


Piece by Piece

by TwistedRocketPower



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Love, M/M, No Character Death, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2018-12-23 20:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 63,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11996952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedRocketPower/pseuds/TwistedRocketPower
Summary: Phil has learned that the problem is, once it's all over, you feel like nothing. They’ve trained you. They’ve worked their way inside every single part of your brain until you don’t know who you are anymore. So the hardest part is finding yourself again. It’s learning who you are, because you have only been what they wanted since they became a part of your life. It’s terrifying, and Phil isn’t sure if he’ll be able to do it.





	1. Scariest Day of His Life

**Author's Note:**

> I advise everyone to read over the tags if you have any triggers that may be associated with abuse (whether mental, physical, emotional, or otherwise). If I'm missing tags that you believe are necessary, please let me know at anytime. I'm not great with remembering everything that needs to be tagged at times, so if you tell me I'll add it.
> 
> Every part of this story is true in some way. There are many women and men in my life that have suffered from abuse in the past. I've heard horror stories that sound like it could only happen in movies. 
> 
> Please give feedback when you've finished the chapter. It helps me when writing future chapters. 
> 
> If you'd like to talk more, my tumblr is softgolftechniques

When Phil was five, the scariest day of his life was his first day of school. It was walking into his classroom, sitting at his desk, and not being able to see his mum or dad for seven hours. It was his teacher calling on him to answer questions in class, when he hadn’t been paying attention. It was kids laughing because he tripped at recess and got his shirt dirty.

When Phil was ten, the scariest day of his life was when a severe storm rolled in while he was at a friend’s house. His friend had woods all behind his house, and he and Phil were playing hide and seek when the storm came up all of a sudden. Phil got all turned around and it took twenty minutes before he got back to his friend’s house. He was soaking wet from rain, and he was shaking from the flashes of lightning surrounding him and the loud cracks of thunder ringing in his ears.

When Phil was fifteen, the scariest day of his life was when he realized he didn’t just want to be friends with the new boy in his history class. It was when his heart skipped a beat when the boy smiled at him. It was when he realized that he had a crush. And maybe it wouldn’t have been a big deal if kids in school didn’t throw around the word “gay” like it was a slur. Phil didn’t even know if he _was_ gay. He just knew that he often daydreamed of the boy’s lips pressed against his.

When Phil was eighteen, the scariest day of his life was going off to university. It was leaving his family and friends behind to start his own life. It was being responsible for cooking, cleaning, and making sure he did his schoolwork and got to classes on time. It was knowing he’d have to find a job soon so he wouldn’t have to keep asking his parents for money. It was going to meetings on his own, and speaking for himself, with no parents around to take up for him if things started going poorly.

When Phil was twenty-two, the scariest day of his life was when his boyfriend of two years, Kevin, told him to quit his job. It was the vase getting thrown across the room, smashing into the wall, as Kevin yelled at him for being ten minutes late. It was the jealousy radiating off of him as the vein on his neck popped out, which never meant anything good for Phil. It was Phil trying to explain that Anthony had been having a rough time with his girlfriend, and just needed to talk for a few minutes. It was Kevin calling him a whore, a loud smack and a sting on Phil’s cheek, and an apology two hours later. It was when Phil called into work right before the bookstore was closing for the night, telling them he was having to quit immediately and apologizing for the short notice.

When Phil was twenty-five, the scariest day of his life was when he had decided to go to a YouTube convention. It was a small one, not far from his and Kevin’s place. Kevin had said okay, but it was obvious that it wasn’t okay now. It was late, and Phil was tired, but Kevin was hungry so Phil cooked dinner. He warmed up chili from the night before, but it wasn’t hot enough for Kevin, so he took the entire pot and threw it, breaking the pot and getting chili all over the kitchen floor. Phil yelled at him that night, and that was his first mistake, because soon enough he was getting tossed around. By the end of the night, his head had hit into the dining room table, and the sliding-glass door that led to their balcony. He was so sure the glass would break, but it didn’t. He was so sure that he would die that night, but he didn’t. 

None of those days were the scariest for Phil though. He knew that now. The scariest day was being twenty-eight, and leaving Kevin behind. It was packing his things while Kevin was looking for work, and taking it all to his parents house. It was coming back for one last suitcase and Kevin already being home, a nosy neighbor calling Kevin's cellphone and asking if they were moving. It was Kevin threatening his life while holding a knife in his hand, and Phil walking out the door anyway. It was Phil’s entire body shaking as he turned away from Kevin, waiting for the knife to go through his body, ready to die as he tried to take his life back. It was Kevin yelling at him from the door, telling him he’d never find anyone again. Screaming that he was useless garbage; an ugly human being inside and out. It was getting into the cab and being taken away, feeling like the last eight years of his life was a complete waste, and he had nothing but a few suitcases worth of items to his name.

 

“I wish you’d told us,” Phil’s mum, Kathryn, said as she and Phil sipped hot tea at her dining table.

“I’m sorry, Mum,” Phil replied quietly, ashamed. He was wearing black sweatpants and a gray hoodie that was two sizes too big. He still felt cold though, and his shaking hadn’t yet subsided. He was sure that’s why his mum made tea in the first place.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Dear,” she said, reaching over and gently taking his hand. “Absolutely nothing.  _ He’s _ the only one who needs to be sorry. Actually, it doesn’t matter if he is ever sorry. He’s a sick, disgusting man who should be ashamed-”

“Mum,” Phil interrupted, giving her hand a squeeze. “It’s okay. I’m here, alright?”

Her bottom lip began to tremble. “I just… I just hate that he’s hurt you for so long. I hate it, Phil. He had everyone fooled. I never…” Her voice trailed off as she wiped a tear from her face. “I’m so sorry I didn’t see it.”

Phil shook his head. “No, Mum. You didn’t see it because I didn’t want you to. It’s not your fault.”

Phil let go of Kathryn’s hand, wrapping both hands around his mug. The warmth soothed him, even if every sip he took felt too sharp on his tongue. Like each sip would come back up later, leaving him hanging over the toilet for hours.

He leaned back in his chair, careful of the large bruise on his back. There was one near his rib cage, light ones on his wrists, and another on his right thigh. The back was the worst though, an angry mixture of purple, green, and black. 

It was all from the day before.  Kevin had come home drunk after being gone for three days. His work had called, eventually telling Phil to let Kevin know he shouldn’t even bother coming in anymore. 

Phil should have waited until Kevin had slept off the alcohol. But, he was upset. This was the third job that Kevin had lost in a year. It was the tenth job he’d lost overall. So, Phil told him right away. And Kevin got angry. He got angry at his bosses, but he took it out on Phil. And that’s how Phil got pushed into the fridge, and shoved into a door, and thrown onto their bed. A hand was wrapped around his throat for a few seconds, until he managed to shove Kevin away. Then Kevin’s hands found their way around Phil’s wrists, laughing as he gripped them so tight that Phil’s fingers started to tingle. All the while, Kevin’s knee dug into Phil’s thigh. 

Kevin just stayed there, on top of Phil, going back and forth from yelling to laughing while Phil tried to get away. 

It lasted ten minutes, but it felt like hours, until Kevin passed out, dropping down beside him on the bed.

With a racing heart and his body shaking, Phil left Kevin there and went out on the couch. He grabbed his laptop and got online, crying as he watched YouTube videos of abuse survivors telling their stories. 

He watched video after video until he couldn’t see straight, then went to his own channel to make updates on his account. He had been doing YouTube for years now, and had a fairly big following. With over a million subscribers, it’s how he made money, and paid for things while Kevin was in between jobs. 

Kevin never wanted Phil to work outside of the house, and he wasn’t a big fan of Phil even having a YouTube channel, but he was always happy when the payment came through. 

It was when Phil scrolled all the way back to his first video that he decided he was going to leave. He didn’t know Kevin yet when he first started making videos. They didn’t meet until a few months later. So, when Phil watched that first video, he remembered what life was like before Kevin, and he realized he wanted that again. He wanted to feel like him again, because he didn’t even know who he was anymore.

“Phil? Are you alright?” Kathryn asked, bringing Phil out of his thoughts. 

He wasn’t sure how long he’d just been sitting there, staring down at his cup. 

“I know that’s a stupid question,” Kathryn continued. “I’m just not exactly sure what to do.”

“It’s okay, Mum. I was just thinking. Lots on my mind is all.”

Before Kathryn could respond, the front door opened and slammed shut, causing them both to jump.

“Kath, you here?” 

“We’re in the dining room, Nigel!” She called out to her husband.

“We?” He questioned as he neared the room. “Who’s we?”

“It’s me, Dad,” Phil replied as Nigel walked in.

“Phil!” Nigel smiled. “Good to see you, Boy! It’s been, what, four months? That’s too long when you're less than an hour away. Where’s Kevin?”

“Mum didn’t tell you?” Phil asked, glancing over at her.

“I could never get a hold of him at work.”

“What?” Nigel said, looking concerned. “What happened? Is Kevin hurt?”

Kathryn shook her head. “No, he’s not,” she said, standing up. “Let’s go to our room. Phil, you finish your tea, okay, Honey?”

Phil nodded, picking up his cup. “Yes, Mum.”

He stared down at the table until his parents left, then drank the last few sips of his tea in a hurry.

Within a couple of minutes, the sounds of his dad’s voice rising could be heard in the dining room.

Sitting there with nothing to do made Phil nervous, so he got up and headed upstairs to the guest bedroom he’d be staying in. 

It was a nice room, and not the one he and Kevin always stayed in when they’d visit. Phil knew his mum did that on purpose.

This was the room Martyn and Cornelia usually always stayed in. It had a full size bed with an old, family quilt on top. It was white, with little, faded pink flowers all over it.

There was a dark, wooden dresser to the left of the bed, and a wardrobe across from it. There was also a nightstand in the room, with a clock and a bouquet of fake flowers on it.

Phil looked at the room from the doorway for a moment, then walked inside and sat down on the bed. His suitcases were next to the door, waiting to be unpacked.

That could wait until later though. Right now, he didn’t feel like he had enough energy to even lift the suitcase onto the bed.

It was hard enough to tell his mum what had been happening, but right now his dad was finding out, and soon his brother would know too. Eventually, all of his followers would know. They may not know everything, but they’d know his relationship was over. They’d know his videos were being filmed in a new location. They’d know something was wrong. And if they pried too deep, they’d figure it all out.

Noticing that his heart was racing again, he laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, taking in long, deep breaths. He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, but the next thing he knew there was a knock on the door.

He practically jumped into a sitting position, his eyes wide as the door creaked open and his dad’s head peaked through the crack. “Can I come in?” Nigel asked.

Phil nodded.

Nigel walked into the room. He looked at Phil for a moment, causing Phil to look toward the ground in embarrassment.

Nigel walked over to the bed and sat down beside Phil.

There was a silence in the room that Phil didn’t know how to fill. He had no idea what to say. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t get the words to leave his mouth.

After almost a minute passed, Nigel placed his hand on Phil’s knee. The touch made Phil look away from the ground and to Nigel’s hand, and he bit at his lip to keep himself from crying right then and there.

“I’m not good with things like this,” Nigel started. “A part of me wants to go find Kevin right now and rip him to pieces, but I know I can’t do that. I just want you to know that you can stay here as long as you like. Your mother and I love you very much, and we’ll always be here for you.”

Phil’s eyes were glazing over with tears, but he held them back. “Thank you,” he said, his voice shaking. “I love you too.”

Nigel nodded, standing back up. He had almost left the room when he turned back to Phil. “This is the only question I’ll ask for now, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but when did it start?”

Phil counted back, remembering the first time Kevin hurt him like it was yesterday. “Six months after we started dating.”

Nigel let out a sigh that sounded more angry than anything. “Let me know if you need help unpacking,” he said before leaving out of the room.

Once Nigel had shut the door, Phil squeezed his eyes shut, letting the tears fall. He curled up on the bed, laying his head on one pillow and wrapping his arms around the other. He held it close to his chest as he sobbed, his breaths coming out short and sharp. 

It hurt to cry. It hurt his sore bones and muscles and bruises, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Eventually, he cried himself to sleep, his dreams being much kinder to him than the real world.

 

The next day, Martyn came. Phil had spent most of the day in his room, only coming out to use the bathroom or when Kathryn would fix him food. He had no desire to eat, but he did it so she wouldn’t worry.

He was emptying one of his suitcases when Martyn knocked on the already open door.

“Hey,” Phil greeted, smiling awkwardly. He knew Martyn had to know. He wouldn’t be there otherwise.

“Hey, Phil,” Martyn replied, smiling back. He paused for a second, then quickly walked over and wrapped Phil in a hug.

Phil gasped at the sudden back pain from the hug, causing Martyn to let go immediately. “Sorry. I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

“It’s okay,” Phil assured him. “It’s fine, really. Just unexpected.”

Martyn walked over to the bed and sat down. “Mum called me last night. You probably knew that already though.”

“I figured she would,” he replied, putting some socks into one of the drawers.

“I couldn’t believe it, Phil. I mean, I believe you!” He quickly added. “I just… I just couldn’t believe it.”

“I know what you mean," Phil said. “No one knew.”

“He ne- He didn’t seem like that type,” Martyn continued. “He was always so kind when he came here.”

“He could be like that sometimes,” Phil agreed.

“But he wasn’t; not really. He’s an asshole.”

“Yeah, he could be that sometimes too.” Phil walked over to the bed and pulled some shirts out of his suitcase. He heard Martyn take in a breath, and looked over to see him staring at his wrists.

Phil had forgotten about the bruises for a moment and pushed back the sleeves of his sweatshirt. He quickly pulled them back down, causing Martyn to look elsewhere.

“Mum doesn’t know about those,” Phil said quietly, choosing to look down at his clothes instead of at Martyn. “Please, don’t tell her.”

“I won’t,” Martyn promised. “She said you had a bruise though.”

Phil nodded. “She knows about the one on my back, but not the others.”

“Others?” Martyn questioned.

“One on my thigh,” Phil replied, turning toward Martyn. He pulled up his sweatshirt, revealing the other on his rib cage, “And one there.”

_ “Phil,” _ Martyn replied, his voice sounding desperate, as though he was searching for answers he knew he’d never understand.

Phil put his shirt down, then turned back to his suitcase, grabbing a pile of t-shirts and taking them over to the dresser. “Mum got so worried after I told her about my back that I couldn’t tell her about the rest,” Phil explained. “I’d rather she didn’t know about it.”

“Are you going to the police?” Martyn asked. “Are you pressing charges?”

Phil shook his head. “No, I’m not.”

“Why?”

“Because then there would be a trial and I’d have to see him and I don’t want to see him.”

“But-”

“Martyn,” Phil interrupted, looking over at him. “I know you mean well, but please just… don’t. Please?”

Martyn nodded. “Okay. Sorry.”

“It’s alright. There’s just a lot going on right now.”

“No, I get it.” Martyn stood up, heading toward the door. “If you want to come downstairs when you’re done, we can play a board game or something. I’m not leaving for a couple of days, and it's our usual family game night.”

Phil smiled, knowing Martyn was just trying to take his mind off of things. “Yeah, I’ll be down in a bit.”

“Great! I’ll go pick something.”

 

Three weeks passed by and the most productive thing Phil had done was change all of his passwords and open his own bank account. His previous account was shared with Kevin, even though Phil was usually the only one putting money into it. Thankfully, after Phil left, Kevin hadn’t taken all of their money out of the account, leaving Phil with a few thousand to put in his new account. He wondered how Kevin reacted when his card got declined. When he realized there was no money left for him. He wondered if he went to a bar, if he found someone else to take his anger out on. Maybe he destroyed the house. Or maybe he found another guy or girl to sleep with… It wouldn’t be the first time.

After the first few days, Phil fell into a slump. He barely ever left his room, he would only eat a few bites of food at a time, and he would only sleep for a couple of hours at a time. Sometimes, he was awake the entire night, either pacing the floor or just lying in bed staring at the ceiling.

He hardly spoke to his mum, spoke even less to his dad, and hadn’t made any YouTube videos.

“Phil,” Kathryn whispered, coming into Phil’s room. The door was open, but he was lying on his bed facing away from the door, so she wasn’t sure if he was awake or not.

He looked back at the sound of his name, the dark circles under his eyes prominent with the sun shining on his face through the window.

“Phil, can I speak to you for a moment?”

Phil scooted over in bed, making room for his mum to sit down.

“Thank you, Dear.”

“Is something the matter?” Phil asked, knowing the tone in her voice too well.

“I’m afraid so. We’re all worried about you, Philip. You stay in this room almost all the time, you’re not eating or sleeping well, and we never get to see your beautiful smile anymore.”

Phil scooted up so he was sitting with his back against the headboard. He stared down at the old quilt on his bed, picking at a loose thread to avoid eye contact with Kathryn. “What do you want me to do?” He asked, feeling like he was eight years old and getting in trouble for being moody.

Kathryn sighed. “I know it’s tough, Darling, and I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through-”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Phil lied.

“Still, I can’t imagine it. But, I don’t want lose you, Phil. I’m afraid that is what’s happening.” Kathryn cleared her throat, and Phil knew that if he looked at her, she’d have tears in her eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Mum,” he replied. That’s all he knew to say. 

“You don’t have to be sorry, Phil,” she responded, and Phil could tell she sounded irritated at his response. 

He kept his mouth shut, having an overwhelming desire to apologize again, but not wanting to make her mad.

“I just wonder if maybe you should get some help, from a therapist or something.”

Phil’s heart began to race. The idea of telling some stranger his life story did not sound appealing at all, especially when it was all his fault anyway. He didn’t need someone else telling him that he should have left years ago. He already knew the mistakes he had made.

“I don’t wanna do that, Mum,” he said, his voice coming out in a whisper.

“Phil, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make this any better. Maybe if you got back to making videos, or if you’d just join us for dinner sometime. You could take walks in the neighborhood. We have some lovely trails th-”

“Mum,” he interrupted. “I, um, I actually leave this week for a YouTube convention in London,” he said, it being the first thing he could think of. He had received an email about it a few weeks ago, but declined because of Kevin. Maybe if he talked to his manager he could be added as a last minute guest.

“You do?” She asked, her face lighting up. “Oh, that’s wonderful. I mean, not that you’ll be away from us, but that you have something to look forward to.”

“Yeah, it should be fun,” he replied, forcing a smile.

Kathryn reached over and placed a hand of Phil’s cheek. “My sweet boy,” she said, patting his cheek gently before putting her arm back down. “Do you need anyone to go along with you?”

“No, Mum, I’ll be fine.”

“Alright. Well, I’ll leave you alone now. I love you, Dear.”

“Love you, Mum.”

Kathryn got up and left the room, closing the door behind her. 

Once she was gone, Phil got his computer and pulled up his emails. He hoped his manager could get him into the event, even though he had no desire to go. His family was upset with him lying around, so he knew he needed to go. 

He needed to stop being a burden.


	2. My Treat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***SPOILERS*** This is for anyone with potential triggers.
> 
>  
> 
> Near the end of the chapter, in italics, is a flashback scene. It contains violence, if anyone would like to skip it. After the italics scene, there is a scene including vomiting.

Phil arrived in London on a Friday morning, and remained in his hotel room until Saturday afternoon. The only reason he even left then is because he had to go to the one big event his manager could get him added onto.

It was a question and answer session with five other YouTubers. They’d all sit in chairs on the stage, while an interviewer asked them questions that the audience had provided earlier in the day.

Phil was terrified. He almost left the backstage area twice, thinking about going back to his room and telling everyone he just got ill and couldn’t make it.

He was currently standing behind the curtain, swaying back and forth as the announcer spoke saying the event would begin in five minutes.

He was taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself, when a voice interrupted his thought process.

“Phil?” The person questioned.

Phil turned around to see Dan Howell standing behind him, smiling. “Hey, Phil!” Dan greeted.

“Oh, hi, Dan,” Phil replied, glancing back and forth from Dan’s eyes to the floor.

“I thought there was a misprint when I saw your name for this event,” Dan joked. “You haven’t been to a YouTube convention in what, three years?”

Phil nodded. “I believe so, yeah.”

“They’re just not your thing, are they?” Dan asked.

“Not really, no.”

“Not really mine either, to be honest,” Dan replied, crossing his arms and looking around the venue. “But it’s the only thing that ever gets me to leave the house. It’s good to get to see the support in person too.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. “I only see them when they recognize me on the street, so this will be different for sure. Good though.”

“Maybe-” Dan was cut off by their interviewer rushing to the stage and beginning the introduction. “I guess we should get ready to go out,” he said, smiling at Phil once more.

Phil looked over toward the stage, avoiding eye contact. “Yeah, um, good luck out there.”

“You too.”

 

Phil’s seat was right beside Dan, and he felt like that might be the only reason he was able to remain in his chair.

The lights on the stage were too bright, too hot. They made him feel sweaty and sticky. They also made it so it was nearly impossible to see the audience. An audience that sounded far too loud, making it hard for him to even think.

The stage felt too big. All of the YouTubers were about two feet apart, with the interviewer sitting in a chair to the left of them. Their mics all had an echo, the voices were loud, and the interviewer had the loudest fake laugh Phil had ever heard.

Everything felt wrong, and he wanted nothing more than to be away from here. To be somewhere alone, in the quiet, making it easy to hear the little, important noises.

He hoped he wouldn’t be asked too many questions. His voice was shaky; about as shaky as his knee, which kept bouncing up and down. He was sure people had noticed, and that only made it worse.

“Phil,” the interviewer, whose name Phil couldn’t remember, said once another question had been answered. 

“Yes?”

“A question that we received quite a few times is actually just asking why you haven’t been updating as regularly in the past few weeks? It seems you have a fan base that’s used to weekly uploads, and now it has been three weeks without anything. Would you say you’re distancing yourself from YouTube?”

God, it felt like a million questions piled into one. And it was all something Phil had no desire to talk about. His heart was racing now, and he couldn’t seem to get a response to leave his mouth.

“Are you sure that question isn’t for me?” Dan asked, making the audience laugh.

Phil wasn’t sure if Dan knew he was having a freakout of some kind, but he was thankful for the distraction.

“Because I haven’t uploaded in a month,” Dan continued. “And I still can’t think of a new idea.”

The interviewer did his fake laugh again. “No, this question isn’t for you. Maybe your viewers are used to the odd schedule.”

“They have to be to stick around.”

Those few seconds of the attention being off of him gave Phil a chance to recover and think of a response.

He smiled politely, making it seem as though he was part of the banter between the two men. “It’s a bit of a different reason for me. I’ve just been visiting family and really focusing on that. I have made a couple of videos from my parents guest room,” he lied, “I just haven’t been able to edit them yet. Soon though, I promise. I’m definitely not distancing myself from YouTube.”

“That’s great to hear,” the interviewer replied. From there, he went onto another question for someone else, giving Phil a chance to breathe again.

 

When the event was over, the YouTubers all went in their separate directions. Phil was heading straight back to his room when there was a tap on his shoulder.

He jumped at the touch, turning around quickly with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said immediately, noting the look on Phil’s face. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Phil shook his head. “No, it’s alright. I’m just too jumpy all the time.”

“Oh, please, you should see my nightly routine of turning lights off in my flat. You’d think I had three seconds to get from one room to the next once the lights were off or I’d be murdered or something.”

Phil laughed, his eyes moving down toward the floor. “I guess you understand then.”

“More than most, probably. I’m a fucking mess, Phil.”

Phil felt like he could relate to that comment more than anything right now, but he refrained from speaking of it. “Um, thank you, by the way,” he replied instead, looking back up at Dan.

“For what?” Dan asked.

“For giving me a second to figure out how to respond to that question. I wasn’t expecting it.”

“Oh, no problem. Question and answer sessions are the worst. Sure, they give you an outline of what _might_ be asked, but they don’t tell you everything and I fucking hate it.”

“Yeah, I just… I didn’t really have a proper answer prepared for that.”

Dan nodded understandingly. “I find the easiest thing to do is just bullshit your way through it, you know? Give an answer without really giving an answer. ‘Dan, do you plan on doing some more collaborations in the future?’” He said, mocking the interviewer. “‘Well, there’s always opportunities available, especially when we come together for events like these. But, sometimes we’re all just doing so many things that there isn’t time. I’m always trying though!’ See, it’s total bullshit, but it’s enough for people to buy it.”

Phil laughed. “I’ll have to learn that one.”

They were both quiet for a moment, and it was about to get awkward when Dan snapped his fingers. “Oh!” He exclaimed. “I’m an idiot. I tapped you cause I was wondering if you were going to be around tonight? I know the last event you came to, you left the same day.”

“I’m staying this time,” Phil replied simply.

“Good, good! Are you going to the party tonight?”

The idea of going to a loud, dark party with drunk YouTubers who only wanted to grind on each other sounded like a nightmare to Phil. “Probably not.”

“Do you want to join me for pizza and the Food Network in my room then? I hate those parties, but if I can at least say I hung out with other people, I won’t sound like a complete social failure to the internet.”

Phil’s heart began to race again. He shouldn’t go. He should go back to his room and spend the rest of the evening alone, and then go to bed.

“Please?” Dan continued, noticing Phil’s hesitation. “It’ll be my treat.”

Phil let out a deep breath. “Alright.”

Dan clapped his hands together loudly, the sharp noise bringing back a flash of memories that Phil would prefer to not remember.

Dan paid attention to too much, Phil realized, when he put his hands back at his sides and started to explain. “Sorry, I get really loud sometimes. I’m obnoxious. But, you already said you’d come tonight, so you can’t back out.”

Phil smiled. “I won’t.”

“Alright, good. Do you still have the same number?”

Phil nodded.

“Okay, I’ll text you later with a time and my room number. See you later, Phil,” he said, taking a few steps backwards before turning away from Phil.

“See ya,” Phil replied, his voice nearly too quiet for Dan to ever notice. 

Once Dan was out of his view, Phil pulled his phone out of his pocket and pulled up his settings. He went to the Call Blocking and Identification page and scrolled until he found Dan’s name, removing him from the list.

 

When Phil arrived at Dan’s door, it took him five minutes to gather up enough courage to knock on it.

Once he did, Dan was at the door within seconds, opening it up, a bright smile on his face. “Phil, come in! Pizza should be here any second,” he said, moving to the side so Phil could come in the room.

Dan’s room was the same size as Phil’s. One king bed in the center of the room, a TV in front of it, and a bathroom to the right as you walked in. 

“We’ll have to eat on my bed, but that’ll be more comfy anyway.”

“Did you do a meet and greet today?” Phil asked as he sat down on Dan’s bed, his back leaning against the headboard.

“No, I’ve got one tomorrow,” Dan replied. He picked up the remote off of the edge of his bed and turned on the TV. “You?”

“I was kind of a last minute addition, so I’m having a short one tomorrow. I think it’ll be a half hour instead of an hour.”

“God, I wish mine was that short,” Dan said, flicking through the channels until he reached the Food Network. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love meeting everyone, but I’m an introvert. It just feels so exhausting after a while.”

“I get the same way.”

Dan was just about to sit when there was a knock on the door. “Pizza!” He exclaimed, throwing the remote back onto the bed and heading for the door.

“Do you need help?”

“Nope.”

Phil focused on the TV as Dan spoke with the delivery man. He walked back into the room a few seconds later, after closing the door with his foot.

He laid the pizza box on the bed, then handed Phil a soda. “I remember you drinking a lot of Coke at the last convention,” Dan said. “I hope you still like it.”

Phil hadn’t had soda in a long time. Years, possibly. Kevin didn’t like it being in the house, and he didn’t want Phil drinking it. So, the only time Phil did was when Kevin wasn’t with him, which wasn’t very often.

“I do like it, thank you. I don’t mind paying for the food,” he said as Dan reached into a bag and pulled out paper plates and napkins.

“Oh, please. I forced you to come sit with me and watch boring TV, the least I could do is pay for your food.”

“You didn’t force me,” Phil replied gently. He knew what being forced to do something felt like, and this wasn’t it.

“Still,” Dan said, sitting down beside Phil. “This is my treat.”

Phil smiled, looking away from Dan and to the TV. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Dan opened the pizza box and grabbed a slice, laying it on his plate. Once he had gotten his, Phil reached for his own piece. 

He was hungry, so he went to take a bite, but was stopped by a hand touching his arm.

“Wait!” Dan exclaimed, causing Phil to freeze.

“Oh, sorry!” Phil said, dropping the pizza down onto his plate.

“No, you don’t have to apologize.” Dan removed his hand from Phil’s arm. “I’ve just ordered pizza from here before and if you eat it right away you won’t be able to taste anything for days. It’s really hot.”

“Oh, alright. Thanks.”

Phil felt Dan stare at him for a moment, but he ignored it. 

“Do you like this show?” Dan asked, changing the subject.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before.”

“You’ve never watched Extreme Cake Wars? Phil, you haven’t lived.”

“Is that a cake? Like an actual one you can eat?” Phil asked, staring at the screen. It was a dragon cake, painted with a variety of colors. It looked so beautiful that Phil couldn’t believe it was actually edible.

“Yes,” Dan laughed. “It’s insane. I think most of the people on this show are magicians.”

“You’d have to be to be able to do that,” Phil replied. “Who would want to eat it though? It would be a cake that wasn’t allowed to be touched.”

“What, you’d just keep it in your freezer forever?”

“Yes, I would,” Phil said. “I’d have to have a separate cake for eating and then that one for people to stare at… from a distance.”

“Sounds like it would get pretty expensive.”

“It would.”

 

By the time they had each eaten four slices of pizza, Dan had turned the volume down on the TV and they were mainly just talking.

“So, I quit school, spent about a year rocking back and forth in a corner, having no idea what I was doing with my life, and then YouTube started growing for me. I’d get sponsors and stuff, and eventually I made enough to move to London. It’s still like an everyday fear that one day I’ll wake up and YouTube will be pointless to everyone and I’ll have nothing to fall back on, but I’m in too deep now.”

Phil pushed himself up a bit, having slouched over time. “I feel the same way,” he said. “About YouTube ending one day. It’s scary.”

“Yeah, but you have a degree.”

“A degree I haven’t really used since I graduated.”

“You edit your own videos,” Dan reminded him.

“Yeah, but that’s different. It’s not the same as editing a movie or something.”

“Still, I’m sure you could go right into an editing job. You’re too good at it.”

“Oh, please,” Phil replied, rolling his eyes.

“I’m serious!” Dan said. “I’ve watched your videos for years, Phil. I’ve seen how your editing has changed. You’re always doing new stuff. You’d be fine.”

Phil didn’t know what to say. It felt wrong to be getting so many compliments at once. He was embarrassed by it.

“Anyway,” Dan continued, moving on. “What time does your meet and greet end tomorrow?”

“Three. Why?”

“Mine ends at four. Do you watch anime?”

Phil looked over at Dan, confused. “Um, I… I used to? I mean, my b- my ex didn’t like it, so I stopped.”

“When was the last time you watched it?”

“I was around twenty, I guess. Why?”

“I’ve been downloading some new ones onto my computer and I was going to watch them tomorrow night. We could have Chinese, if you like it. My treat again.”

“Is there another party you’re trying to avoid?” Phil asked.

“No! I mean, yes, but that’s not why I’m asking. I just get tired of watching TV alone, and I haven’t heard from you in over two years, so I like catching up.”

Phil looked down at his lap, his fingers fidgeting with a loose thread on his jeans. “I- I’m sorry about that,” he said, the apology nearly coming out as a whisper.

“Don’t be,” Dan replied, his voice sincere. “It’s just nice getting to talk to you again.”

“Yeah, you too,” Phil agreed.

They were both quiet for a moment.

“So, tomorrow?” Dan asked, breaking the silence.

Phil took a deep breath, then nodded. “I’ll come over.”

 

When Phil got back to his room, he took a shower and changed into his pyjamas. It was late, and he was usually already in bed and asleep by now, but he couldn’t stop thinking. And, right now, thinking too much wasn’t a good thing.

_ “I saw it.” _

_ “Saw what?” Phil asked, putting away groceries. _

_ “The panel thing you did at the convention. It was put up online today.” _

_ “Oh, really?” Phil asked. “I didn’t know they were putting up a video.” _

_ Kevin leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. “Obviously.” _

_ Phil paused, knowing that tone all too well. He finished putting the milk away, then turned to Kevin. “What do you mean?” _

_ “I saw how you were up there. I saw you laughing with them.” _

_ “Have you been drinking, Kev?” Phil asked, his voice becoming shaky. _

_ Kevin moved toward Phil, standing under a foot away from him. “What the fuck is it to you?” _

_ “Kev-” _

_ “No, you go around acting like a fucking whore and then you come home and act like the perfect housewife? You think I won’t find out. I always find out, Phil. Always.” _

_ “Kevin, I didn’t do anything,” Phil replied. He could already feel the tears in his eyes, but he knew he couldn’t let them fall. He couldn’t show any weakness right now. _

_ “That’s what they always say. I saw you with them though. I saw you with that boy beside you. The fuckin’ asshole kept flirting the whole time and you didn’t do anything to stop it.” _

_ “He wasn’t flirting,” Phil replied. “That’s just how he is. He was being nice.” _

_ “He said you were the reason he did this YouTube shit in the first place. ‘It’s all because of Phil, really. If I hadn’t watched him and seen how much he enjoyed making videos, I wouldn’t have done it myself,’” Kevin mocked, making his voice go higher. _

_ “He was being nice. Would you have liked him to say he hated me and couldn’t stand to be near me?” _

_ Kevin shrugged, stepping closer. “It’d be better than watching you act like that with him. It’d be better than trusting you to go out on your own only to find I was wrong.” _

_ Phil, his heart pounding so hard he could hear it in his ears, took a step to the left of Kevin, trying to get around him to get to the rest of the groceries. As he moved away, Kevin grabbed his arm, holding on so tight that Phil’s hand started to go numb within seconds. _

_ “You don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you,” Kevin said through gritted teeth. _

_ “You’re hurting me,” Phil said, trying to pull away. He knew it was pointless. He was never able to get away from Kevin.  _

_ Kevin whipped his free arm around, slapping Phil across the face. The entire side of his face stung, and he could taste blood in his mouth from biting his cheek as it happened. A tear slipped down his face as Kevin let him go. _

_ “There he goes,” Kevin laughed, turning and walking out of the kitchen. “Crying like always, the little whore. Make sure dinner’s done by six!” _

Phil sat up in bed, a familiar pain coursing through his stomach. He was breathing short, sharp breaths. Acid from the pizza started to gurgle in his throat.

He ran to the bathroom, bending over the toilet just in time to throw up his dinner. It burned his throat and nose, spit dripping down his chin once the food had finished coming up. 

He flushed the toilet, then moved over to the sink and washed his mouth out with water. It didn’t help very much, but it’s all he had the energy to do at the moment. He took a couple of steps back, then sat down against the wall opposite the toilet. Knowing his history, he knew he’d probably be throwing up again before the night was over. 

Leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes, he waited for the next wave to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments on the first chapter! I hope you enjoyed (that sounds like the wrong word to use) this chapter!  
> For anyone who doesn't follow me on tumblr, there is a hurricane headed my way. If I don't update for a while, it's because I'm out of power. I'll update you guys through tumblr as to whether or not that happens.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! Thank you!!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	3. Somewhere Else

“How was your meet and greet?” Dan asked as Phil sat down on the bed. All the food had already arrived, everything placed on a couple of trays on the bed.

“Good,” Phil replied. “Tiring, but good. Yours?”

“Same. I had one woman who was very, um, touchy? It was a mom too.”

“Oh God, what did she do?”

Dan sat down beside Phil on the bed, grabbing a container and some chopsticks. “Her hand was on my back and slowly travelled down.”

“Oh no!”

“Oh, yeah. She said it was an accident, but her face said otherwise. Her daughter was mortified.”

It was then that Dan noticed Phil hadn’t picked up any food to eat. “Are you not hungry?” He asked.

“Oh,” Phil said, sitting up a bit straighter as he looked over the food. “I am, I just wasn’t sure what was for me.”

“Anything. I have forks too if you don’t want chopsticks.”

“No, chopsticks are fine,” Phil replied, picking up a container of lo mein. “I would have paid for dinner tonight,” he said, settling back into the bed.

“I told you, Phil. As long as I’m keeping you locked up in a hotel room with me, it’s my treat.”

“I don’t mind though. I’d much rather be here than down at a crowded party.”

“Well then, if we so happen to be at another event together some day, you can pay.”

Phil’s heart began to race at the idea of doing this again. For some reason, it felt wrong. He felt like he should be ashamed or something. It wasn’t a lasting feeling, but it came in waves. Waves that were accompanied by nausea and labored breathing.

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, forcing himself to take a couple of deep breaths.

“I guess we need my laptop if we’re going to watch shows on it,” Dan said, oblivious to whatever Phil was going through. He was grateful for that. The last thing he needed right now was questions.

Dan got up and got his laptop, returning to the bed and placing it between them. “Are you ready for some anime, Phil?”

“I am,” he replied, giving Dan a small smile.

“Good. Now, I hope you don’t mind, but I prefer subtitles b-”

“Because the dubbing is awful,” Phil finished. “I prefer subtitles too.”

“This is the best news I’ve heard in a long time,” Dan said with a smile, pulling up a show and starting it. “Let’s do this, Lester!”

 

They were ten minutes into the episode when Dan paused, catching Phil off guard.

“Here,” Dan said, leaning over and grabbing a fork, handing it to Phil.

“Wha-”

“No offense, mate, but you don’t know how to use chopsticks.”

“I can use them!” Phil defended.

“You’ve eaten like three noodles, Phil. Give it up, use the fork.”

Phil sighed, but took the fork. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. I just didn’t want to have to watch you suffer anymore,” Dan replied, a little smirk on his face.

Phil smiled, shaking his head. “You’re a jerk.”

“Hey! I’m a breath of fresh air!”

Phil laughed, but he found he couldn’t argue with it. Right now, in this moment, Dan did feel like a breath of fresh air.

 

“London’s just fucking expensive, you know?” Dan said, digging into a new container of fried rice. They had been eating on and off for a couple of hours now. One of Dan’s favorite anime shows played on his computer, but Phil couldn’t even remember the name. They had abandoned entertainment for conversation at some point, giving up on trying to stay quiet while the show was on.

“I bet,” Phil replied. They were both sitting cross legged on the bed, turned so they were facing one another.

“I mean, I like it there. I have a constant fear of being murdered, but I still like it. I probably should have moved in with someone though, cause, like I said, fucking expensive.”

“Manchester seemed expensive to us,” Phil replied. “So I can’t imagine paying for London on your own.”

“Us?” Dan questioned.

Phil took a deep breath. He hadn’t even noticed he said that. He hadn’t meant to. “My ex,” he clarified. “We had an apartment in Manchester.”

“Oh, right. Um, is this the same guy you were with when you came to the last convention?”

Phil nodded.

“Oh,” Dan said again. “Sorry about that.”

Phil shrugged. “It’s alright. It was my decision,” he said, avoiding eye contact by poking around in a container of sweet and sour chicken.

“Still, can’t be easy after such a long time.”

“I just don’t really know how to explain it to anybody,” Phil said, both trying to steer the subject away from the relationship, and really needing someone to talk to. “I’ve had the same video background for years, and now it’s going to be gone. People will ask questions, and they’ll snoop, and… I just don’t know.”

“Fuck them,” Dan replied, waving a hand in dismissal. “You don’t owe them anything. You bought yourself some time yesterday anyway. People will be expecting a few videos from your parents place.”

Phil set his container down and sighed. “I always thought life would be so much easier as I grew up.”

“So did I. It’s like some kinda fucked up game your mind plays on you when you’re young. All you want to do is grow up, then you do, and it’s like, shit. Just shit.”

Phil nodded. As much as he’d like to, he couldn’t disagree.

 

Phil didn’t make it back to his room until almost two in the morning. Dan let him leave after he promised to text him, and come to another event sometime.

Phil was so exhausted that he was asleep a few seconds after his head hit the pillow. He was grateful for that, as it helped him keep his food down because his mind didn't get to wander.

When he woke up later that morning, he packed up his belongings and headed home.

 

A week passed by at home, and texting Dan became a sort of safe space for Phil. Sometimes they would have long discussions about life, and other times it would be the most pointless conversation that Phil had ever been a part of.

_Dan_

I just watched someone lick their entire hand on the tube.

_Phil_

Nutritious!

_Dan_

I’m gonna throw up, Phil. It was the entire hand. Fingers and all.

_Phil_

Was there peanut butter on it or something?

_Dan_

How am I supposed to know?! Why does that matter?!

_Phil_

Maybe he was trying to get the peanut butter off.

_Dan_

Are you really trying to make an excuse for the hand-licker?

_Phil_

Someone has to defend him, Dan.

_Dan_

Despicable.

_Phil_

Smother peanut butter all over your hand and see if you don’t want to lick it off!

_Dan_

For the love of God, Phil, there was no peanut butter!

_Phil_

But how can you be sure?

 

“You’re mighty smiley today,” Kathryn said as she walked into the living room.

Phil curled his legs up on the couch so she could sit down, the smile he didn’t know was on his face dropping immediately, as though he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

“Sorry,” he said, even though he didn’t know why. It was his initial reaction to almost anything now.

“Don’t apologize, Dear,” she said, a warm smile on her face. “I enjoy seeing you smile.”

“ _Mum_ ,” he whined, feeling embarrassed.

“Don’t mum me. Every good mother wants their child to be happy. I didn’t realize before, but I don’t think I’ve seen your real smile in years. I’ve seen it quite a bit this past week.”

“I’m trying to think positively,” he lied. He was actually just nervous that he had been smiling enough for someone to notice.

“Is whoever you’re talking to helping with that?” She asked knowingly.

“M-Mum, I-”

“You don’t have to explain to me, Phil,” she said quickly. She knew her son well, and could tell he wasn’t comfortable with the conversation. “I just hope it continues. You need a friend, Phil. You haven’t had one in some time.”

By the time she finished, her voice was wavering. She didn’t know much about what had happened to Phil over the past eight years, which made her mind go to deep, dark places. She couldn’t help the guilt she felt from being so oblivious.

“Mum, it’s alright,” Phil soothed, moving so he could reach over and touch her hand. “I’m fine. Promise.”

She nodded, forcing a teary-eyed smile on her face. “Okay, dear. I’m going to go fix some supper.”

“Alright.” Phil leaned back on the couch as Kathryn left. He unlocked his phone, the smile creeping back up on his face as he read two new messages from Dan.

 

Phil could be happy sometimes. He could block away everything that happened in the past eight years. He could be positive, and sarcastic, and bend over double with laughter as he talked with his family.

But then everything would creep back up. Something would happen and Phil would be filled with anxiety, and dread, and fear. Sometimes he didn’t even know what that something was. It would just happen. He’d be alone in his room at night and a wave of nausea would hit him. He’d find himself in the bathroom, shaking, throwing up whatever food was in his stomach. He’d be terrified, paranoid, and sweating.

Once, the house settled a bit during the night. A creaking sound that wasn’t even loud. It was like someone stepped on a loose floorboard. But it was enough to keep him up the rest of the night, walking around his bedroom, wringing his hands together as each breath got harder to take.

Phil was thankful that these moments had never happened in front of anyone else.

Unfortunately, that didn’t last forever.

He had been with his parents for six, almost seven, weeks now. He had barely left the house during that time. He prefered being inside, politely declining when his parents would ask him if he’d like to go with them to dinner, or to see a movie, or anywhere really.

But, one day, Martyn was visiting, and he needed to go to the store. Phil had said he didn’t want to go, but Martyn insisted, wanting to spend some time alone with his brother.

So, Phil went, and that was his first mistake.

They were walking down the soup aisle of the store when Phil remembered that Kevin came here a lot. They lived forty minutes away from this particular shop, but he was so picky when it came to picking out food that he didn’t care to travel to get what he wanted.

And it hit Phil that he could possibly run into him here.

What if Kevin decided to come get food today?

What if he was watching Phil?

What if he was here right now, staring at him from somewhere Phil couldn’t see?

What if he followed them back home?

What if he broke into the house?

“Phil?” Martyn’s voice interrupted as he placed a hand on Phil’s back.

Phil jumped, moving away from the touch.

“Phil, what’s wrong?” Martyn asked.

“I can’t.... I can’t b- breathe,” Phil managed to get out, placing a hand over his heart.

“Um, o- okay. Let’s go outside, alright?” He suggested, abandoning their shopping basket on the ground.

Phil nodded.

“I’m gonna put my hand on your back, okay? Just so you don’t fall.” He cautiously placed his hand on Phil’s back, then led them out of the store.

Phil didn’t remember how he got there, but eventually he looked around to see him and Martyn sitting on a bench near the back of the shop.

“It’s for smoke breaks,” Martyn said, noticing Phil’s confused expression. “But it’s quiet and I don’t think anyone will bother us.”

Phil lifted his hands to stare at them. They were trembling so bad he looked like he was vibrating.

“Your whole body was doing that a minute ago,” Martyn said. “I was about to call for an ambulance.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil muttered out, ashamed.

“Are you alright?” He asked, ignoring the apology.

“Don’t tell mum,” Phil replied, leaning back and closing his eyes. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down.

“Don’t tell her what? About the panic attack, or something else?”

“Both.”

“Okay. What’s the something else?”

Another deep breath. He opened his eyes again, looking around at the trees surrounding the back of the shop. “We’d come here a lot. To town, I mean. He... Kevin liked to come here, but he wouldn’t let me visit. He’d tell me that’s what we were going to do. He’d tell me we were going to surprise Mum and Dad, but then we’d spend hours just driving around. We’d go to the stores here and he’d buy things we didn’t need, and then he would get mad when I’d ask about visiting home. I’d, um, I’d always come though, because _sometimes_ he would let me visit. He would surprise me and we’d actually go to the house.”

“God, he’s such a dick,” Martyn said angrily, breathing out deeply through his nose. “Such a fucking dick.”

“He liked to get groceries here. He said the stores were better than they were by our flat. I th- I think he’d do it on purpose, but I don’t know why. I just don’t like going out in this town.”

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Martyn spoke. “Have you… Have you ever thought about moving?” He suggested.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked, looking over at him.

“I just… If you moved to a different town, you wouldn’t have to worry as much. I don’t mean to push you or anything, if you’re not ready. I’m sure Mum and Dad would want you home forever. But, I mean, Cornelia and I are right outside of London. You could come stay with us even.”

“You live in a one bedroom flat, Martyn.”

“So, we still have a couch!”

Phil shook his head. “I couldn’t do that.”

“Well, you make enough money to live on your own somewhere, right? You could go anywhere in the world. Leave that asshole behind.”

Phil sighed. It did sound tempting. To be able to start over somewhere else. To not have to worry about leaving the house. To feel a freedom he hadn’t felt in years.

With hands still trembling, and his anxiety at an all time high, the idea sounded _very_ tempting at the moment.

“Yeah, maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, this chapter was very difficult to write, and it should have been one of the easiest.
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting!!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	4. Promise

_ Dan _

I just walked five blocks with a ketchup stain on my shirt that very much looked like blood.

_ Phil _

Why’d you do that?

_ Dan _

I didn’t know it was there at the time, you spork!

_ Dan _

I was picking up food from a place that doesn’t deliver and I guess ketchup was on the bag and it transferred to my shirt.

_ Phil _

Did you get a lot of looks?

_ Dan _

Of course I did! It looked like I fucking murdered somebody!

_ Dan _

This is why I don’t ever go outside.

_ Phil _

I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.

_ Dan _

Phil, I only noticed once a man made his daughter look away from me. I’m just waiting on the police to arrive.

_ Phil _

I hope you’re not washing your shirt then.

_ Dan _

...What do you mean?

_ Phil _

It’ll look like you’re trying to get rid of the evidence.

_ Dan _

Oh fucking hell.

 

“Phil?” Kathryn said, tapping on Phil’s bedroom door.

Phil quickly put his phone down beside him on the bed. “Yeah?”

“May I come in?”

“Of course, Mum.”

Kathryn opened the door, giving Phil a little smile. “Your father and I are going to lunch. Would you like to come?”

Phil shook his head. “No, thanks.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Kathryn sighed. “Philip, you haven’t left the house in nearly a week.”

“I don’t really like to go out much, Mum.”

“Nothing’s the matter?”

Phil’s phone buzzed beside him, and he was grateful for the distraction. He picked it up, reading Dan’s text instead of paying attention to his mum.

“Really, everything’s fine. Just have some work to do.”

She walked over to him and he quickly flipped his phone over so she couldn’t see the texts. It wasn’t like it would matter if she did, but that was his first reaction.

She leaned over and gave him a hug, which he returned, although slightly reluctantly. “We’ll be back,” she said quietly before leaving the room.

Phil took a deep breath after she left. He thought back to the last time he had left the house. It was after the incident with Martyn. His dad wanted them to go to a tool shop together. It took some persuasion, but Phil finally agreed.

As they started down an aisle, Phil looked up to see the back of a man. And from the top of his head to his feet, he looked exactly like Kevin.

Phil froze. He could feel himself getting sweaty and shaky. He thought he was going to throw up.

His dad was busy looking at something, and didn’t notice what Phil was going through. Phil couldn’t find his voice to try and tell him either.

Eventually, the man turned around. It wasn’t Kevin, but Phil already felt so nauseous that he knew he needed to find a bathroom _fast._

He told his dad he needed to use the toilet, running off before Nigel could even respond.

When he reached the restroom, he knelt down and immediately began to vomit.

He was done within a couple of minutes, and used the sink to wash his mouth out and clean his face off. 

This had happened to Phil many times before. He’d be out with Kevin, and he’d know that Kevin was mad about something. He knew what was going to happen when they’d get home. He knew there would be a fight. So, Phil would find himself puking into a toilet somewhere. And he’d learned over time how to make it look as though he was perfectly fine and put together.

Nigel never noticed that Phil had gotten ill, and he never noticed that Phil continued to shake for two more hours.

 

Phil was brought out of his thoughts by his phone buzzing again. He picked it up to see a few more texts from Dan.

_ Dan _

You know what’s boring?

_ Dan _

Playing Mario Kart by yourself for five hours straight.

_ Dan _

That’s what I did earlier today.

_ Dan _

The first three hours were fine. But I kept winning and I had no one to high-five and that sounds kinda fucking pathetic.

_ Phil _

I think I beat you in patheticness.

_ Dan _

You could never!

_ Phil _

I beg to differ.

_ Phil _

I’m nearly thirty years old and I live with my parents again. I barely go anywhere. My parents try to get me to go everywhere with them all the time. And they have game night nearly every damn night, and I know it’s just because they don’t think I leave my room enough.

_ Phil _

I may just be the definition of pathetic.

_ Dan _

That’s not pathetic. 

_ Dan _

And family game night sounds fun.

_ Phil _

It is if you have it like once a week. Not three hours every night.

_ Dan _

Well, if you want some time away, you could always come here!

 

Phil became nervous all of a sudden. He didn’t intend on being invited over by Dan. He’d never be that forward. He hoped that wasn’t what he sounded like over text.

He never wanted it to seem like he was desperate for attention, or that he was ungrateful for the things he had.

_ Dan _

I mean, you can say no if you want.

_ Dan _

But I’m really bored.

_ Dan _

And I don’t have anyone to hang out with.

_ Dan _

You’re literally the only person I’ve talked to this week.

_ Dan _

Besides people on Twitter.

_ Dan _

But I don’t really know those people, so they don’t count.

_ Dan _

Please shut me up now.

_ Phil _

Shut up.

_ Dan _

Thank you.

_ Phil _

I don’t want to impose.

_ Dan _

Oh please! Impose on what? Me bragging to kids on Mario Kart after I kick their asses?

_ Phil _

When would be a good time?

_ Dan _

You mean you haven’t left yet?

_ Phil _

Day after tomorrow then?

_ Dan _

Makin’ me wait, Lester, but alright. I guess I’ll put some more twelve year olds in their place.

 

Phil was slightly freaking out. He wasn’t sure what overcame him. He must’ve been going insane, because he wasn’t one to make last minute plans with anyone. That just didn’t happen. Everything needed to be planned out, weeks in advance, if he was the one making a decision. 

He needed to check with his parents and make sure it was even okay. What if they didn’t want him to go? 

It was unbelievably rude of him to just make plans without asking them first, seeing as he was living in their house.

He stood up and began pacing around his room, biting at his fingernails. Maybe if he explained to them how it had all come about, they wouldn’t mind. Maybe if he told them that it just kind of happened before he really took the time to think about it, they wouldn’t care.

His heart was racing now, and he felt like throwing up. He hadn’t eaten anything today though, so he knew he didn’t need to rush to the bathroom.

If he could just sit down and take a few deep, calming breaths, he’d be okay. 

But telling himself to do that, and _actually_ doing that, were two very different things.

 

“That’s wonderful, Dear!” Kathryn said as she made herself a cup of tea. 

Phil thought he must’ve heard her incorrectly.

“Y- You don’t mind if I go?”

She laughed lightly, but it gave him a pain in his chest. “Of course not,” she replied. “You’re an adult, Phil, you’re allowed to go wherever you want.”

“Yeah, I just… I just didn’t know if I should ask first, since I’m living here and all.”

She waved him off. “Nonsense. You’re free to come and go as you please. I’m rather excited for you, actually.”

_ “Mum.” _

“Again with the  _ mum!” _ She rolled her eyes. “Philip, I’m happy you have a friend. I’m happy you want to go visit with that friend. I’m happy you’ll be getting out of this house, and your cramped up room.” She took a sip of her tea to make sure it was how she wanted. “It’ll be lovely for you to see London as well. Very cultured there.”

“Mum, I’ve been to London before.”

“I know you have, Darling, but it’s always nice to return. You learn new things every time.”

Phil let out a sigh. “Um, well, I’ll leave day after tomorrow. I don’t know how long I’ll stay. Probably just a day or two.”

“Stay as long as you want.”

Phil stared at his mum. “You’re  _ really  _ excited, aren’t you?”

“I’m near tears, Child. And don’t  _ mum  _ me again!”

Now it was Phil’s turn to roll his eyes. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Mum.”

“Goodnight, Phil.”

 

Phil’s heart was racing when he stepped off the train and began looking around for Dan.

Honestly, his heart had been racing so much lately he thought that might be it’s new normal speed.

“Phil!” He heard Dan call out.

He looked over to his right, and there was Dan, just a few feet away. 

Phil smiled as Dan waved him over. “You made it!” He exclaimed, smiling widely.

“I did,” Phil replied, securing his backpack on his back.

“How was the trip?”

“It was good. No delays or anything.”

“That’s good then. Let’s go get a taxi back to my place,” he said, placing a hand on Phil’s arm to guide him over toward the cabs.

For a moment he wanted to jerk away from the touch, but he stopped himself. Dan’s hand was gentle; a barely there feeling. It was so different from the way he was used to being touched. The way he was used to being pushed around, made to go wherever Kevin led. This wasn’t that, and he was okay.

He was okay.

They got into the cab and Dan told the driver where to go, then he turned to Phil. “I didn’t really make any plans,” he said. “I hope that’s okay. I figure we could just chill at the house tonight. Play some video games, maybe watch a movie. And we can get pizza, or Mexican, or Chinese, or-”

“Dan,” Phil stopped him, giving him a smile. “I’m fine with no plans. Really.”

“Okay,” Dan replied, sighing as he settled into his seat. “I don’t invite people over very often, so I’m never sure what to do.”

“You don’t have to worry with me,” Phil assured him. “It’s just nice to get away from home for a while. I don’t care if we don’t do anything the entire time.”

Dan smiled. “Well, Phil, you may just be the best guest ever.”

 

It was surprisingly easy to settle in at Dan’s house. Phil thought there would be some awkwardness, but there really wasn’t. 

As soon as his things were put away in the guest bedroom, they headed out to the living room to play video games.

“You have no idea how excited I am to play Mario Kart with someone who’s actually in the room,” Dan said, setting up the game.

“I’m just excited to play in general,” Phil replied.

“You don’t play at home?”

“I don’t have any gaming consoles at the house.” Gaming was something that both Kevin and Phil enjoyed. On good days, they’d spend hours playing different games. Kevin wasn’t a huge fan of Mario Kart, but he’d play it sometimes. When he felt like it. Other times, Phil would play it on his own. Or, if Kevin was playing a single player game, he’d watch for a few hours. Kevin liked to have an audience.

But, he wasn’t able to take everything with him when he left. Only the essentials. So, all of his games stayed behind for Kevin to use.

“That sounds like an absolute nightmare,” Dan replied, shivering at the thought. “Lucky for you, I have tons of games, and tons of free time. We can play as long as you like.”

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Phil exclaimed, tossing his controller over to the empty seat between him and Dan.

“I don’t kid around when it comes to Mario Kart.”

“How have I only won twice in, what, like thirty games?”

“Years of nonstop practice. You want anymore pizza?” 

Phil shook his head. “I’m full, thanks.”

“I’m gonna put the rest in the fridge,” he said, gathering up the leftover food and trash. “You can pick out another game to play, if you’re tired of this.”

“Whatever you want to do is fine.”

“I could play this all night,” Dan replied from the kitchen. “I  _ do  _ play this all night, sometimes. But I really don’t care what we play.”

“This is good,” Phil said, picking his controller up again. “I think I can beat you at least once more.”

“Oh, really?” Dan said, coming back into the living room and sitting down. 

“Yup.”

“You’re on, Mister. You’re on.”

 

“So, you really don’t ever cook?”

“Not really,” Dan replied with a shrug. “It’s too hard to find stuff to make for one person. There’s always leftovers that I don’t want to eat. Plus, I’m not a great cook anyway. It’s easier to order out.”

There was a film playing on the TV, but it had been muted half an hour ago when they realized they were talking more than they were watching. 

“Don’t you ever get tired of takeout though?”

“My family didn’t cook at home all that much. We had takeout at least four times a week, so it feels pretty normal to me.”

“I cooked pretty much every night for the past seven years.”

“You’re joking?”

Phil shook his head. “No. Unless we were visiting someone, or on vacation, or out for the day. Otherwise, I cooked.”

“He never cooked?” Dan asked, before rolling his eyes at himself. “Sorry, that was rude! I just can’t imagine cooking so often.”

“No, it’s fine,” Phil replied, looking away from Dan as he answered. “He never cooked though. Didn’t like to.”

“Oh. Well, hanging out with me must be killing you then. I keep buying you takeaway.”

“No, I like it,” Phil said, looking back over at Dan. “I’ve missed it, actually.”

Dan nodded, taking a moment to try and piece everything together. It seemed that Phil hadn’t done much of the things he enjoyed for quite some time now. 

It wasn’t his business though, so he didn’t pry. 

“Ice cream,” he said suddenly, confusing Phil.

“What?”

“I bought ice cream yesterday. You want some?”

“Um, sure. That sounds good.”

“Alright.” Dan got up and headed to the kitchen. Phil followed, not wanting to seem lazy.

“Do you need any help?” He asked.

“Sure,” Dan answered with a smile. He got the ice cream out of the freezer and set it down, then moved to a cabinet to get some bowls. “I’ve got chocolate syrup and whipped cream in the fridge. And there are marshmallow and caramel chips in that cupboard,” he said, pointing at it with his foot.

Phil got the toppings out as Dan started to dip the ice cream.

Phil watched for a moment as Dan scooped out tiny bits and pieces and put them into the bowl. "Wh- What are you doing?" He asked.

“I’m fixing ice cream?” Dan replied, confused. He scraped at the ice cream some more, trying to get more on the spoon.

“You’re scooping it out like that?” 

Dan placed a hand on his hip as he turned to look at Phil. “It’s frozen, alright?” He whined. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

Phil held a hand out for the spoon. “May I?”

Dan rolled his eyes as he handed the spoon over.

Phil went over to the sink and ran the spoon under some hot water for about ten seconds. When he returned, the ice cream began to scoop out perfectly.

“You’re boasting,” Dan said, wiggling a finger at Phil.

Phil laughed. “I didn’t say a word.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Phil gave them three scoops a piece, each perfectly placed in the bowl. 

“Is there anything you’d like for me to do, Chef Lester?”

“You can put up the ice cream,” Phil replied, handing him the container. “And not touch anything else until I’m done.”

The second he said it, he became terrified he had gone too far. He never talked that way to anyone anymore. Not even jokingly. It wasn’t polite. That’s how people got hurt. That’s how-

“So the bants you hold in when you’re playing video games comes out with ice cream,” Dan said, cutting off Phil’s thoughts. “Noted.”

Phil felt himself beginning to sweat, even though Dan didn’t seem to be the least bit upset. He shook his hands out while Dan was turned away, hoping it would calm him some, and continued making their sundaes.

He swirled the chocolate over the ice cream, then covered it with whipping cream. After that, he counted out ten mini marshmallows a piece, and placed them around the bowl, making sure they were equal distance apart. He finished by dropping caramel chips over the whipping cream to add some color.

It wasn’t until he finished that he looked over, seeing Dan bent down, his elbows on the counter and head in his hands, staring at the bowls.

“Holy shit,” Dan said. “How am I supposed to eat it when it’s a piece of art?”

Phil laughed. “It’s just ice cream.”

“Just ice cream my ass!” Dan exclaimed. “It’s a fucking masterpiece.”

Phil picked up the bowls and handed one over to Dan. “Eat your masterpiece.”

Dan carried his bowl back to the living room. Once he was seated, he pulled out his phone and took a picture.

“Are you serious?” Phil asked. No one had ever cared about how he made food. It was what was expected of him. 

“I want this kept forever,” Dan responded, now staring at the picture he just took. “Look at it,” he said, holding his phone out for Phil to see. “Can I put it online?”

“Dan, it’s just a sundae.”

“And the Mona Lisa is  _ just _ a picture. The Eiffel Tower is  _ just  _ a tower. The Niagara Falls-”

“Okay, okay,” Phil interrupted. “You can post the picture.”

 

Five days. That’s how long he’d been staying at Dan’s flat. He knew he’d have to leave soon; he already feared he had outstayed his welcome.

He had planned on leaving after a couple of days, but Dan had encouraged him to stay a day longer. 

And they spent that extra day touring all of London, both of them acting like they’d never been there before.

Phil was so tired afterward that Dan suggested he stay another extra day so he could rest.

And then that somehow turned into yet another extra day.

“I really do need to get back,” Phil said, packing his things into his backpack. He’d be leaving tomorrow, no matter how much he dreaded it.

“But do you? Do you really?” Dan asked, sitting on the guest bed.

Phil gave Dan a look. “Dan, I’ve been here way longer than I said I’d stay.”

“So?”

“So, I need to let you have your flat back.”

“When did you take it?”

_ “Dan.” _

Dan sighed. “Alright, alright. I guess I have held you hostage long enough.”

“You haven’t held me hostage. I’ve loved being here.”

“Really?” Dan asked. “I didn’t completely bore you?”

“I don’t remember being bored for a second,” Phil replied, and it was the truth. Every moment, even the quiet ones, were good.

“Will you visit again then?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, if you want.”

“I don’t want you to leave now, you nerd! I’ve taken that one shirt out of your backpack every time you turn around.”

“I  _ knew  _ I had already put that in there!”

Dan smiled. “So, London was good then?”

“Yeah, it was. I, um…” Phil looked down at his backpack, pretending to move things around. “I’ve actually been thinking about moving here. Or somewhere near here.”

“No fucking way!” Dan exclaimed, his eyes lighting up.

“Yeah.” Phil shrugged. “I mean, my brother and his girlfriend live just outside the city, so I’d be close to them. It would be a fresh start.”

“Move in here!” Dan suggested quickly.

“What?!” Phil asked, startled. 

“Yeah! You need a place to live, and I have a place. It’d be perfect!”

“No, Dan, I- I couldn’t.”

“Yes, you could. I mean, unless you don’t want to. If you want a place of your own, that’s fine, but London is expensive, and having a roommate would be helpful.”

“But, I- We don’t… We haven’t known each other that long.”

“We’ve known each other for three years, Phil.”

“Not… Not the whole time,” Phil replied, becoming quieter. It wasn't the easiest thing to think about.

Dan shrugged. “There was some lost time, so what? It happens. We talked for like eight months after the other convention; you’re hardly a stranger.”

Phil’s heart was speeding up. Something it hadn’t been doing as much since he left Manchester behind. 

“Just think about it,” Dan said simply. “I’ll look up some other flats for you too. I guarantee you I’ll have the best price though,” he added with a smile.

Phil took in a deep breath and smiled back. “I’ll think about it.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your comments, kudos, and patience. I love writing this story, but sometimes it's difficult to get a chapter out. I want it to be the best it can be, and be accurate (at least, based on the knowledge I've gained from the subject) for survivors of abuse. 
> 
> Please leave a comment and let me know what you think! Thanks again!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	5. A New Place

_ “Pack everything up and we’ll leave tomorrow.” _

_ “What?” Phil asked.  _

_ “Yeah, I’d rather leave tomorrow than the weekend.” _

_ “But, th- that’s three days early,” Phil replied. He was extremely confused. He had just been getting changed into his pyjamas, Kevin reading a book in bed, when this came out of nowhere. _

_ “Congratulations on being able to count, Babe!” Kevin said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “That’s a skill you’ll be able to use as a cashier one day.” _

_ “Kev, be serious. We’re not leaving tomorrow.” _

_ “Uh, yeah we are.” _

_ “But why?” Phil asked. “We’re supposed to stay with my family this whole week. I haven’t seen them in months. You promised me.” _

_ Kevin laid his book on his chest and sighed. “I don’t like who you are around them.” _

_ “What’s that mean?” Phil asked, hands on his hips as he stood at the edge of the bed. _

_ “You’re so fake and weird. Giggling all the time with that stupid laugh you do.” Kevin stuck his tongue out between his teeth, mocking Phil’s laugh. “It’s just retarded.” _

_ “You know I hate when you use that word,” Phil said, trying to stop tears from forming in his eyes at the insults Kevin threw his way. They had been dating for two years now, and Phil knew not to cry when Kevin got like this. _

_ “God, you’re such a baby, Phil. We’re leaving tomorrow, so pack up all our shit.” _

_ “What am I supposed to tell my parents?” _

_ “We’ll say I have a work emergency or something,” he replied with a shrug. “They’ll buy it.” _

_ “You’re not working right now, Kevin.” _

_ Kevin glared up at Phil, and Phil could see the vein starting to pop up on his forehead. He had never been so happy that they weren’t at their own house right now. _

_ Kevin got up and slowly walked over to Phil. He took ahold of Phil’s shoulders, gripping so tight that Phil winced. _

_ “You didn’t tell them that, did you?” Kevin asked through gritted teeth. _

_ “I- They asked how the job w- was going. I said it just didn’t work out.” _

_ Kevin’s fingernails were digging into Phil’s skin. He knew it would leave lingering marks. He might even bleed; he had before.  _

_ “You stupid son of a bitch!” Kevin said, keeping his voice quiet but still exclaiming the words. _

_ “They were fine with it,” Phil reassured him. “They said you were a hard worker and would find something else right away.” _

_ Kevin shook his head, pushing Phil back as he let go of him. “You’re lucky I put up with you, you know it?” He asked as he walked back over to the bed. _

_ “Yeah, I know,” Phil replied, looking down at the ground.  _

_ “Alright. Now, pack up our stuff. We’ll say you have to go for your video shit or something. Doesn’t matter. And make sure my shirts don’t wrinkle this time. I don’t like how you iron.” _

_ “Okay,” Phil said, heading over to their suitcase to get everything packed. _

 

Phil backed away from the room that held so many bad memories. He walked to the bathroom, shutting himself inside and locking the door, even though he was home alone.

The memories had been getting worse lately. Every little thing at the house, or in the neighborhood, would remind him of something.

He had even gone with his mum to go pick up food, never having to leave the safety of the car, and he was still so panicked that he could barely eat that night.

He was sweating now, his hands shaking so hard he could barely get his phone out of his pocket.

Waves of nausea were hitting him too, but he slumped back against the door and took deep breaths, trying to prevent himself from puking.

It’s not like there would be anything to puke up anyway.

He had to retype the text six times, but he didn’t let that stop him. If he could just get away from here, and be in a new place, maybe that would fix everything. Maybe then all of his fear and pain would go away.

 

_ Phil _

Are you sure you’d like having a roommate?

_ Dan _

Oh thank God! You better be on your way already!

 

A few days later, Martyn helped Phil move in, even though he barely had anything to move. A couple of suitcases and a few boxes, all just random crap he grabbed up on his way out the door.

Dan already had a bed in the guest room, along with a nightstand and a dresser. Dan offered to move everything out if Phil wanted his own stuff but, well, Phil didn’t have his own stuff. 

“Okay, I think that’s it,” Martyn said, setting one last box on Phil’s bed. “Do you want help unpacking?”

Phil shook his head. “No, thanks. I don’t know where I’ll put everything just yet.”

“Alright. Want me to stick around for a while?” 

Phil smiled. “I’ll be fine, Martyn. I promise.”

Martyn moved in closer, lowering his voice. “Hey, I don’t trust anyone after all you went through.”

Phil’s smiled faded, “I trust him, and he’s a friend. It’s not like it was with Kevin.”

“Still.” Martyn looked around the room one more time, making sure everything was in order. “I guess I’ll go then, and let you settle in. Call me if you need anything though, okay? I mean it.”

“Yes, Mum,” Phil joked.

“Oh, that reminds me, Mum’s coming next week.”

“I know, she told me.”

“Then why did she tell me to remind you?”

“Cause she’s her,” Phil replied simply.

“True. Okay, I’ll see myself out,” Martyn said, patting Phil on the back. “See ya.”

“Goodbye, Martyn.”

As Martyn went to leave, he was met by Dan in the hall, who seemed to be heading to Phil’s room. 

“Hey!” Dan greeted. “Are you leaving?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna head home.”

“You can stay for lunch, if you like? I was just about to come ask what you guys would want.”

Martyn smiled. “That’s alright. Maybe next time though. My family will probably be visiting  _ a lot _ so you’ll have plenty of time to feed us.”

“Oh, good!” Dan replied, his eyes lighting up. Martyn was surprised by how genuinely excited he looked. “I’d love to meet the entire Lester clan.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll get your wish soon. It was good meeting you, Dan.”

“You too.”

“Oh, and make him eat something,” Martyn added, lowering his voice. “He hasn’t eaten all day.”

“That calls for the lunch feast then,” Dan said, and Martyn could’ve laughed at how serious Dan looked.

“What’s the lunch feast?” He asked.

“I order food from every restaurant nearby and eat it all.”

“That sounds absolutely perfect,” Martyn replied, deciding that maybe he didn’t have anything to worry about after all. “I’ll see ya, Dan,” he said, patting Dan’s shoulder as he walked past him to head out the door.

“Bye.”

 

“Okay, I know you’ve been here before, so you know where everything is at, but I’m gonna show you some improvements.”

Phil nodded. “Alright.”

“Okay, so I’ve moved some stuff around in the living room,” Dan began, walking over to a bookcase in the corner of the room. “There are five shelves, so I emptied the top two and half of the middle one. You can put whatever you want there.”

“Dan, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Oh, please! I’ve been wanting to rearrange things for a couple years now. You got me to actually do it.” He pointed over to the entertainment center. “I also cleared out some space in there. If you have any games or DVD’s, I don’t care if you mix them with mine. If you want them in your own space, we can move some stuff around.”

"No, no that’s fine. I don’t really have any with me anyway.”

“Oh, alright. Well, for future reference then. Follow me.”

Dan headed to the bathroom, with Phil following behind. 

Once they were in the bathroom, Dan opened a cabinet under the sink. “I cleared this side for your stuff. Do you have towels?”

“Um, no, not right now.”

“That’s fine. I have plenty. They’re just white though, I hope you don’t mind. We could go get some new colors, if you want?”

“It’s really fine, Dan. I don’t mind,” Phil reassured him. “I’ll go buy some of my own though, so you don’t have to share.”

“Oh please,” Dan said, waving him off. “As far as I’m concerned, whatever is mine here is yours. But, I mean, if you want all your own stuff, I don’t mind. It’s whatever you’re more comfortable with.”

Phil took in a deep breath. “I don’t mind sharing towels,” he said.

Dan smiled. “Good. Now, onto the kitchen.”

They walked back out to the kitchen, and Dan opened up a couple of cabinets. “You know I don’t use all of this kitchen space, so there’s a couple of empty cabinets and most of the fridge is empty anyway. Use whatever space and utensils you want, eat whatever you want, I don’t care. Just check expiration dates first, cause last month I did find a half used jar of spaghetti sauce in the fridge that had expired in 2014.”

Phil laughed. “I’ll make sure to check. I really don’t have that much stuff though, so you didn’t have to go through all of the trouble.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” Dan replied. “I was just excited to have someone else living here. Now I won’t have to scream when I turn the hall light off and run to my room, cause someone else will be in the house.”

“Glad to be of service,” Phil replied with a smile.

Just then the doorbell rang, causing Dan to turn around quickly. “Our food!” He exclaimed, heading toward the door.

“You ordered food?” Phil asked.

“Yeah.” Dan opened the door and grabbed a couple of bags, thanking the delivery man before shutting the door back with his foot. “I ordered from five different places, actually,” he said, bringing the bags into the living room and setting them on the coffee table. “This is from a Addy’s, which is a Thai place nearby.”

“You ordered from five places?” Phil questioned, his eyes going wide.

“You need to know all of the nearby options.”

“Well, at least let me pay for some of it.”

“Oh please, I already paid online.”

“Dan!”

“It’s my treat for you moving in!” Dan glanced up at Phil, who looked a bit disappointed. “Look, you can pay next time we order out, or we’ll just order separately. I wanted to do this though. Don’t make me pout.”

Phil sighed. “Fine. I’m paying next time though.”

“Deal.”

 

That night, Phil had trouble falling asleep. He was so full from all the food he'd eaten, it felt weird. Wrong, really.

He couldn’t help but feel like a burden. Dan had done so much for him, moving all of his stuff around to give Phil more space. He shouldn't have done that.

Phil didn’t feel like he deserved it. He was the one coming into Dan’s flat, he should be the one to make sacrifices. Not the other way around.

He wanted to stay. No matter what, this was better than being at home.

But, he also didn’t want to be a bother to Dan. 

That was his biggest problem. No matter where he went, or what he did, he became someone else’s issue. That’s what he’d always done, for years now. 

So, he wouldn’t let it happen this time. He’d prove that he was able to do things. He would be able to make up for the fact that he was now invading Dan’s space.

One thing he knew how to do, very well actually, was make breakfast. He always made it for Kevin. Almost every single morning he’d make eggs, bacon or sausage, and toast. Sometimes he’d make pancakes or french toast, or homemade hashbrowns. Anything Kevin wanted, he’d make.

And that’s what he’d do for Dan. He felt beside him on the bed until he grabbed his phone, then set his alarm for six-thirty. It was unlikely that Dan had anything to make a proper breakfast, so Phil would go and get the items himself. 

He’d make up for all the trouble he had caused, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought of the chapter! Thank you for all the wonderful comments so far!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	6. Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is a flashback in this chapter, which includes violence.

Dan woke up to a very unfamiliar smell in his flat. He turned over to look at the clock on his nightstand and saw it was 9:30. He wondered if this is how his flat usually smelled at 9:30 in the morning, and maybe he always slept through the wonderful scent.

It smelled like sausage, and syrup, and fresh coffee. 

Deciding it was unlikely that his house went through some sort of smell cycle as he slept, he stretched and pulled back his covers, getting out of bed to see what was going on.

After a quick pitstop to the toilet, he headed out to the kitchen. Phil was there, wearing the apron with the half-naked man on it that Dan had been given as a joke for Christmas. He was currently at the stove, spatula in one hand, going back and forth between three different frying pans.

“What’s all this?” Dan asked, leaning against the doorway.

Phil jumped, turning around quickly with a gasp.

“Sorry,” Dan said, noticing the fear in Phil’s eyes. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Oh, no. It- It’s fine. Did I wake you?”

Dan shook his head. “No. Something just smelled really good so I had to come see what it was.”

Phil smiled, his tense shoulders now relaxing. “I just thought I’d make you breakfast. As a thank you, for letting me move in.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that. I  _ wanted  _ you to move in. You’re the one doing me a favor.”

Phil shrugged, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Still.” He turned back around to check on the food as Dan walked over to see what was being made.

“French toast, scrambled eggs, and sausage? Phil, this is like gourmet.”

“There’s also fruit cut up in the fridge, and I’ve made your coffee just how you like it.”

“My God,” Dan replied. “I usually have cereal with questionable milk.”

“Which reminds me,” Phil said. “I bought a new jug of milk at the store today. Yours expired three days ago, and I know they say you  _ can  _ keep it up to a week after it’s expiration date, but that’s disgusting.”

“Now, Phil Lester, are you really calling my eating and drinking habits disgusting?” Dan asked, leaning up against the countertop.

Phil nodded. “Yes, I am.”

Dan thought for a moment, then shrugged. “Can’t really argue with that. Would you like for me to get out of your way?”

“Um, if you don’t mind?” Phil replied, trying to sound polite.

Dan laughed. “Alright, I’ll be in the living room. Nice bod by the way.”

Phil looked down, only now remembering the apron he was wearing. “O- Oh my God. I just found it in here and I thought it would be okay if I used it, but I-”

“Phil,” Dan stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’s fine. I was just kidding, unless your body really does look like that. Then I’m serious.”

Phil let out a small, nervous laugh. “Unfortunately, no.”

“Yeah, we can’t all be blessed with my rock hard body,” Dan replied, patting his own stomach.

Phil rolled his eyes. “Can I get back to cooking now?”

“Of course, of course,” Dan said, heading out of the kitchen. “I’ll just be doing my morning routine of one hundred sit-ups. First of five reps in a day.”

“Oh, I’m sure.”

 

A few minutes later, Phil was bringing Dan his plate and a cup of coffee.

“You didn’t have to bring it to me,” Dan said, sitting up straight to take the plate. “I would’ve gotten it.”

“No, I wanted to. Is it too much?”

“Please, Phil, you’ve seen me eat. Nothing is too much.”

Phil smiled. “I’ll be right back.”

A minute later, Phil returned with his own plate and a cup of coffee. He sat down on the other end of the couch and looked over at the TV, where Dan had some cooking show turned on.

Dan glanced at Phil’s plate, having to do a double take when he noticed the lack of food on it. “Is that all you’re eating?” He asked, staring at the single slice of french toast.

“Oh, yeah,” Phil replied, looking down at his plate. “I can’t really stomach big breakfasts.”

“So you got up this morning, went to the store, bought all this food, and cooked it just for me?”

Phil nodded. “Well, minus this piece of french toast.”

Dan sighed. “You know you’re not like, my slave or something, right? I don’t want you to think you have to do all this. We’re roommates. You don’t owe me.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “I know, Dan. However, I would like to point out that you’ve bought me food many times in the past few weeks. If I’m not mistaken, you bought enough food for twelve people to consume yesterday, even though you and I were the only ones here.”

Dan settled back on the couch. “Fair enough. Although cooking this food takes a lot more effort than placing an online order.”

“It was no trouble at all,” Phil said, turning his attention back to the television. “Now what’s this show?”

“You- You’ve never watched The Great British Bake Off?”

“No. Is it good?”

“Oh dear, Lester, it looks as though we have our entire day planned.”

 

A week passed by fairly quickly. Dan was still so excited to have a roommate, especially since his roommate was Phil.

He and Phil had met at the convention Phil attended three years ago, and they seemed to become friends fairly quickly. By the end of the group interview that they were both a part of, they were trading phone numbers. They texted back and forth for months, and then suddenly the texts stopped.

Dan tried texting him a few times, asking what was wrong, only knowing Phil wasn’t dead because he was continuing to post videos online.

Dan knew something wasn’t exactly right. The whole situation seemed off, even though he had no real evidence to support it.

But, right after Phil stopped texting, he couldn’t help but go over some of the messages they had sent each other.

Phil appeared to be unhappy a lot, constantly trying to find the silver lining in every bad situation. Sure, Dan got unhappy a lot too, sometimes for no reason at all, but this was different.

It wasn’t Dan’s place to pry though, and he couldn’t pry at all anymore with Phil not texting him back, so he let it go.

He had no choice.

But, now, somehow, Phil was living with him. The man who he had once been so close to, who he had lost contact with, was living with him.

And something still seemed wrong.

Dan wasn’t stupid. He could see that Phil was a bit obsessive at times.

He was the perfect roommate, but almost too perfect.

He had vacuumed four times in a week. He had dusted twice. He was almost always trying to make himself busy with something. 

The bathroom had never been more spotless.

Dan didn’t know the tile floors needed mopped once every other day.

Apparently the baseboards needed dusted regularly as well.

To save water and energy, they decided to do their laundry together. Except, Phil was the only one who had done it so far. He would wash, dry, and fold everything before Dan had a chance to help out.

And Dan always folded his clothes, he wasn’t a _total_ disaster, but Phil folded them much better than he did. Each shirt was folded at the exact same spots, perfectly placed on top of one another and ready for Dan to put away.

Phil even ironed some of his good shirts for him. He kept saying he was terrible at ironing, even though the shirts looked perfect to Dan.

Phil also cooked a lot. Dan loved Phil’s cooking, and Phil seemed to be the most happy and at ease as he cooked, but everything was so extravagant. Full meals, sometimes with separate courses, almost every night. Only once had Dan been able to order food before Phil got into the kitchen.

Phil had begun to pout, but Dan told him to just sit down and they could spend the extra time watching TV. It had been one of Phil’s busiest days, constantly doing something to make the house smell lemony fresh, and he needed a break.

Phil mum was due to arrive in a few days. Dan was happy about that. He was hoping she could provide answers.

He would never directly ask, but he hoped something she’d say during a random conversation would explain. Maybe he was always like that. Maybe that’s what he always did as a child. Cleaning was his one  _ thing  _ that the parents never understood but they accepted anyway.

He doubted it.

But he hoped.

“Dan?”

Dan was brought out of his many thoughts by the sound of Phil’s voice. “Yeah?” He replied, looking up from the book he hadn’t been reading.

“Are you busy?”

“No. What’s up?”

“Um, would you… Could you help me film a video?”

“Of course!” Dan said, setting his book to the side and standing up. “Where at?”

“Uh, my room.”

Dan followed Phil to his room. “What type of video?”

“Um, it’s a question and answer one. It’s kind of stupid, but I’ve been wanting to do it for awhile. I just needed someone to help with it and I didn’t have that before.”

Another thing for Dan to add to his list of  _ something isn’t/wasn’t right. _

“Well, you do now!” Dan said with a smile. “How can I help?”

“I asked some viewers to send me questions. I didn't look at them, I just printed out a few pages. I need you to read them to me, if you don't mind?”

Dan nodded. “I can do that.”

Phil handed Dan the list as Dan sat down on the bed. Dan began looking them over, laughing at some of the questions.

Phil turned the camera on and sat down beside him. 

“Whenever you’re ready,” he said.

Dan was about to ask the first question but, when he looked at Phil, he couldn’t help but notice how nervous Phil appeared to be.

“Hold on,” Dan said, getting up and leaving the room.

“What are y…” His voice trailed off as Dan disappeared down the hall.

A couple of minutes later, Dan returned. He was only holding a permanent marker, which made Phil more confused.

“Dan, what are you doing?” He asked.

“Does the smell of permanent marker bother you?” Dan asked, taking the cap off.

“No, I don’t think so. Why?”

Dan held the pen up toward Phil’s face. “May I?”

“Um, I guess?” Phil answered, still not sure what was happening.

Dan brought the marker up to Phil’s nose and began to draw, then did three marks across each cheek.

“Are you turning me into a cat?” Phil asked.

“Yes, I am.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

Phil couldn’t argue with that logic.

Once Phil’s face was done, Dan handed him the marker. “Whisker me, Phil.”

“What if I mess it up?” Phil asked, his hand already starting to shake. That was always a problem with him. Anytime he became the least bit nervous, his hands would shake.

“Phil, you’re putting cat whiskers on me with a Sharpie. There is no way to mess this up.”

Phil took a deep breath. “Alright,” he said, bringing the marker to Dan’s face.

He gently created a circle on Dan’s nose, filling it in afterward.

He then made three marks on each side of Dan’s face, tilting his head to the side once he was done. “They’re not even,” he said, picking up the cap and placing it back on the pen.

“Doesn’t matter,” Dan replied. He looked in the viewfinder and fixed his hair, then picked up the pad of paper.

“Question one,” Dan began, pretending to read off of the paper. “What’s with the cat whiskers?”

Phil looked over at him. “That’s not a question!”

“It is now,” Dan replied with a smile.

Phil rolled his eyes. “I have a really weird flatmate with a furry kink, apparently,” he said. He feared for a second that he had been rude, but that was quickly brushed aside by Dan’s loud laugh as he flopped back onto the bed.

After a few seconds, Dan continued. “Question two,” he said, still lying on his back. “If you could be any animal, what would it be?”

“A zebra. No, a lion. No, an elephant!”

“Just be a hybrid of all three, Phil. Live life to the fullest.”

“A zeliphant!” Phil exclaimed, looking into the camera with wide eyes.

“Yes! Oh my God, Phil, you’ve done it!” Dan replied. He sat back up, but crossed his legs this time. “Let’s do this one face to face,” he said.

“Alright,” Phil replied, moving around on the bed until he was sitting opposite Dan.

“This is a very serious question, Phil.”

“Oh dear.”

“Would you rather have eyes on your butt, or a butt on your forehead?”

“Oh God!” Phil exclaimed. “I should’ve read over the questions I chose instead of just printing it out!”

“You gotta answer, Phil. No backing out now!”

Phil laughed. “Um, okay, okay. Wait, would I have eyes on my face still? Or just on my butt?”

“The question does not specify. Let’s say an extra set of eyes.”

“Okay, then eyes on my butt.”

“Are you serious?” Dan asked.

“Yes, I’m serious! Why would I want a butt on my forehead? At least I could hide the butt eyes.”

“Yeah, but then every time you used the toilet, the things those eyes would see!”

“Still better than being an actual butthead.”

Dan nodded. “I suppose that’s true.”

 

They continued filming the video for over an hour. Each question was stranger than the last, and they got into a habit of moving around every couple of minutes.

He hadn’t remembered a time when he had laughed harder. They had both laughed so hard that they were crying at times. 

It was the oddest video Phil had ever created, he was sure of that, but it was also the most fun he had ever had.

That’s why he hated it when, that night, long after Dan had gone to bed, his memories kept him awake. 

_ It was almost nine o’clock when he got back home. He had meant to be home earlier, but the panel didn’t end until seven-thirty, and people kept stopping him on his way out, so he didn’t even get in a cab until eight-thirty. _

_ Thankfully, the convention center was close to home. That’s the only reason Kevin had let him go in the first place. _

_ He had made sure he texted Kevin the second he could, but the fact he never got a response didn’t look good for him. _

_ “Hey, Kev,” he greeted as he walked in the door. Kevin was sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. _

_ His only response was a grunt. _

_ “Have you eaten?” _

_ “You weren’t here to cook, were ya?” _

_ Phil hung up his coat. “I made chili yesterday. There are leftovers in the fridge.” _

_ “You know I can’t warm up stuff for shit. Fix it for me.” _

_ Phil sighed, but silently walked to the kitchen to start dinner. _

_ He wasn’t hungry himself, having eaten a lot of food throughout the day at the convention. He was exhausted though. He wasn’t used to spending an entire day around so many people. He had talked to dozens of other YouTubers, and met fans, and ended the evening with the interview in front of thousands of fans. _

_ As he pulled the pot out of the fridge and placed it on the stove, turning the heat up, he thought about the day. _

_ It had been a good one. Besides having to text Kevin every hour, he had the entire day to himself. He got to do what he wanted. It felt so weird, even wrong at times, but amazing at the same time. _

_ A buzz in his pocket reminded him he needed to silence his phone. Kevin didn’t like noises disturbing him when he watched TV. _

_ He pulled his phone out and silenced it, then looked at the text.  _

Dan

_ It was good meeting you today. Hope I wasn’t too weird. _

Dan

_ Actually, I hope this is your real number. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t. I did seem a bit insane. _

Dan

_ If this is a random person’s number than just ignore everything I said. _

Dan

_ God, I almost hope it’s a random person’s number. _

_ Phil laughed. The best part of the day, by far, was meeting Dan. He had watched a few of his videos on YouTube before, seeing the one where Dan credited him for giving him the idea to start his own channel.  _

_ He didn’t expect him and Dan to actually hit it off so fast though. From the moment they met, they seemed to have the same thoughts toward the convention. _

_ They both thought it was nice, but they also thought it was odd that none of the other YouTubers seemed to care about all the food that was catered in. _

_ That’s actually how they had met, both of them gravitating toward the stuffed mushrooms. _

_ From that moment on, they were stuck to each other almost the entire day.  _

_ And Dan had been so kind during the group interview, publicly thanking Phil for helping pave the way for other YouTubers. _

Phil

_ It’s my number. And you weren’t weird. It was good meeting you. I’m still thinking about the stuffed mushrooms. _

Dan

_ Oh, god, I ate so many of those. I’ll probably dream about them. _

Dan

_ It’s a shame you had to leave. I’m at a party and this one girl has made out with three different guys in the last ten minutes. _

Phil

_ Oh, are you next? _

Dan

_ Ew! Could you imagine the germs? God only knows the cesspool her mouth is now. _

Phil

_ That’s disgusting. _

Dan

_ It’s even worse having to watch it. I’m going back up to my room now, although I don’t think I’ll ever fall asleep again. Maybe I’ll watch TV or something. _

Phil

_ Sounds like a wild night for you. _

Dan

_ Always is in the world of Dan. _

Dan

_ Phil? _

Dan

_ Are you there? _

Phil

_ Yeah, I’m here. _

Dan

_ It was the world of Dan thing, wasn’t it? _

Phil

_ I’d be happy never hearing that again. _

Dan

_ Noted. _

_ “Is it done yet?!” Kevin called out, clearly annoyed. _

_ Phil jumped, deleting all the messages and slipping the phone back into his pocket. “Yeah, I’m about to bring it.” _

_ He got a bowl out and quickly dished up some of the chili. He grabbed a napkin and a spoon, then headed out to Kevin. _

_ “Here you go,” he said, handing him the bowl. _

_ Kevin took it, taking a bite before Phil could even sit down. _

_ “It’s cold,” he said, glaring over at Phil. “I thought you were gonna warm it.” _

_ “I did,” Phil replied, holding his hands out to take it back. “It’s been on the stove for a few minutes. I’ll warm it some more.” _

_ “Just fucking forget it,” Kevin said, standing up and practically marching into the kitchen. “You can’t do anything right. I knew I shouldn’t have let you go to that stupid video thing today.” _

_ “Kevin, I said I’d warm it more. I didn’t know it was still cold.” _

_ Kevin began dumping his bowl back into the pot. When Phil reached around him to turn the stove top back on, Kevin quickly shoved him away with his elbow.  _

_ “What was that for?” Phil asked. _

_ “I said I’d warm it myself. You’re obviously out of your fucking head.” _

_ “Please, calm down, Kev,” Phil said, practically begging. He didn’t want this to happen tonight. Not after the perfect day he had. _

_ “Calm down?” Kevin replied. He grabbed onto the pot, his grip so tight that the pot was shaking. “You want me to fucking calm down when I waited here for you all day? I even vacuumed and you didn’t notice! Didn’t give a shit! And all I wanted was for you to cook me dinner, and you couldn’t even do that!” He slung his arm back, the pot flying across the kitchen. It slammed into the wall. The pot broke, and chili splattered all over the wall and floor. _

_ Phil jumped. “What’s the matter with you?!” He yelled without thinking.  _

_ He shouldn’t have done that. _

_ Why did he do that? _

_ Soon, Kevin’s tight grip was on him. Phil had tried to run; tried to get behind a door with a lock and stay there until Kevin passed out. _

_ He couldn’t make it. _

Phil could still hear the sounds of his head hitting their dining room table. 

He remembered the vibrations from the glass when he was slammed into their balcony door a few minutes later.

He could still feel Kevin’s hands on his throat, making it hard to take in a breath. 

He couldn’t help but think about his arms reaching out, clawing at Kevin’s shoulders, silently pleading for him to stop.

The coldness of the tile floor when he woke up a few hours later, freezing and in so much pain, still brought chills to his body.

He knew what it was like to know you were going to die, to even wish for it, but to somehow still wake up and have to take on another day.

Phil threw the covers off of him and stood up, pacing back and forth in his room. 

Why couldn’t he just be happy now?

Why couldn’t all the horrible memories go away?

He was tired.

He was just so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all you have written (both on here and tumblr) for this story! You're an amazing support system and I'm so thankful for you all.
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	7. Cutting Peppers

Phil was cleaning, which wasn’t abnormal, but he was being even more obsessive than usual. There was a photo of him with his family on one of his bookshelves which he had moved back and forth, inch to the left and inch to the right, about five times.

“I think it looks good there,” Dan said, walking up behind Phil.

Phil jumped, turning around quickly to face Dan. “What?” He asked, his eyes widening a bit.

“You keep moving the picture,” Dan said, pointing toward it. “I think it looks good right where it is.”

“Oh, um, I- I didn’t realize. I just- I wanted it to look neat.”

Dan nodded. “I get it. I act a bit nutty when my family comes too. Need some help?”

Phil felt like an idiot, because he didn’t know how to respond. Phil always did the housework by himself. “Uh, no. No, I just need to vacuum and finish dusting.”

“I’ll vacuum,” Dan offered, already turning away to go get the vacuum out of the hall closet.

“You really don’t have to,” Phil said, walking behind Dan. He stopped a few feet away, watching as Dan started to unravel the cord. “They’re my parents.”

“I don’t mind,” Dan replied. “It’s better than me just sitting around on my ass doing nothing. And if we finish soon enough, we can play some Mario Kart before they get here,” he added with a smile.

Phil couldn’t deny that that sounded like an excellent plan. He smiled back at Dan. “Thank you.”

Dan waved him off. “Don’t mention it.”

 

“Could I get you two a refill?” Dan asked, already standing up to take their cups. 

“Thank you, Dear,” Kathryn said with a smile.

Nigel nodded. “Yes, thank you.”

Nigel coming with Kathryn was a last minute surprise. Phil had been expecting his mum alone, and seemed to become slightly stressed when his dad showed up as well. Dan enjoyed the company though, and liked getting to speak with the people who helped shape Phil into the person he was today.

Dan walked into the kitchen, where Phil was busy preparing dinner.

“Need help?” Dan asked, pouring water into a kettle to make more tea.

“No, thank you,” Phil replied, mixing the stir fry.

“I  _ can  _ do some things, you know?” Dan said, starting the kettle to boil. “Look how good I am at boiling water.”

“Technically the kettle is doing all the work,” Phil replied, glancing back at Dan with a smile.

Dan wasn’t sure why, but he loved when Phil would respond to him with sass. Maybe because he rarely ever did it and usually, when he did, he became nervous or apologetic.

“Just because of that,” Dan said, walking over beside Phil and picking up a knife, “I’m going to chop the peppers.”

Phil grimaced slightly.

“What’s that face for?”

“You kind of chop things messily,” he said, moving his hand up and down like it was a knife.

Dan placed a hand over his chest, looking offended. “I do not!”

“I need equal slices, halved.”

“I can do that,” Dan assured him.

Phil bit at his bottom lip, looking back and forth from Dan to the peppers. 

“Phil, I swear to God, I will chop these peppers better than anyone has ever chopped a pepper in their entire life.”

The kettle started to hiss, causing them to both look over at it. 

“Go,” Dan said. “Go fix your parents their tea and sit with them for a bit. I’ve got this.”

Phil took a deep breath. “You’ll call for me if you need help?”

“If I so much as chop incorrectly by half an inch, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay.”

 

As Phil sat with his parents, he tried not to think about how things were going in the kitchen. He was making a chicken stir fry, his mum’s favorite, with rice and some mixed vegetables. He had already made a cake for dessert, so he figured that if Dan did mess up dinner somehow, at least they had that.

As his parents talked about London, and the things they planned on doing with Martyn and Cornelia the next day, memories kept flashing into Phil’s mind.

Memories of his parents coming to visit when he was with Kevin. 

Kevin never helped clean up before they arrived. He’d sit on the couch, letting Phil know if he missed a spot as he mopped, vacuumed, or dusted. 

He’d mess up the pillows on the couch after Phil had worked to make sure they were perfectly fluffed and positioned just as he wanted them.

Sometimes, just to bother Phil, he’d move things around. He knew order was important to Phil, especially because he was the one who demanded it. 

It seemed to be a fun game for him though. He liked to see how long it took for Phil to catch it.

How long would it take before he noticed the coasters were in the wrong spot? 

How long until he realized the picture frames had been turned around?

How long until he found out Kevin had hidden some of the ingredients he needed to cook dinner?

Phil was so used to it by now, that he kept looking around the house for errors. He kept looking around to see what was messed up. What was he missing?

But he couldn’t find anything. And that somehow made him feel both relaxed and tense at the same time.

“Phil?” Kathryn said, getting his attention.

“Yes?” Phil replied, hoping they didn’t notice just how out of it he had been.

“Your father asked how you’re enjoying the city.”

“Oh, um,” Phil sat up straighter, tugging his shirt down to get rid of any wrinkles, “I like it. I like it a lot, actually. It’s loud sometimes, of course, but it’s nice.”

“Do you go out?” Nigel asked.

Kathryn patted his knee. “Nigel,” she scolded gently.

“What? He barely left the house. I want to make sure he’s getting fresh air here.”

“Yes, I get out,” he replied, hoping Dan didn’t hear his lie. Neither of them left the house very often.

“Good. That’s good,” Kathryn said, nodding her head. “I watched your latest video, by the way. I thought it was very funny, you and Dan. Nigel and I were both laughing.”

Phil smiled. He couldn’t help but smile when he thought about that video. It had been so much fun to make. “I’m glad you liked it. It was very last minute.”

“Seems to be getting a good reaction,” Nigel added, taking a sip of his tea. “High view count, I mean. Your mother said that’s good.”

“Yeah, that is good,” Phil agreed.

“Phil!” Dan called out.

“Yeah?”

“Can you come here for a second?”

Relief washed over Phil. Not only was he able to get away from his parents questions for a few minutes, but he’d also be able to check whatever was happening in the kitchen.

“I’ll be back,” he said, excusing himself from the room.

He walked into the kitchen and looked over at Dan, who was staring down at the stir fry mix packet. “It says to add a half cup of water, which I did, but it’s all dissolved even though the peppers aren’t soft enough yet.”

Phil picked up a cup and filled it with some water. “You just have to add a bit more sometimes,” he said, pouring it into the pan. 

Dan shrugged. “I didn’t want to ruin it. If we had soggy stir fry, I’d never be allowed in the kitchen again.” 

Phil laughed. “That might make my life a little easier.”

“Ouch,” Dan said, knocking Phil’s shoulder with his own. “That hurt my heart, Phil. It really hurt my heart.”

“I hope you’ll recover.”

“I’ll try.” 

Dan stayed beside Phil, glanced back and forth from Phil to the pan until he noticed. “What?” Phil asked.

“How’s it look?” 

“How does what look?” 

“The peppers!” Dan exclaimed, motioning to the pan. 

“Oh!” Phil looked at the peppers, seeing that they were perfectly sliced. “They look wonderful.”

Dan clapped for himself, smiling wide. “See! I told you I could do it. I can cut a pepper. High-five me, Philly.”

Phil was surprised by the nickname. He had never been called “Philly” before. 

He liked it.

He gave Dan a high-five. “Congratulations on being able to slice things, Dan.”

“I’ll ignore the sarcasm and accept. Thank you.”

“What’s my child being sarcastic about now?” Kathryn asked, coming into the kitchen.

Phil’s quickly turned back to the food, feeling like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing.

“He didn’t think I could cut up peppers and help with dinner, but I did it successfully. Well, almost successfully. I should’ve added more water.”

“Did you need something, Mum?” Phil asked.

“Oh, I was just returning your cups. Your father and I finished our drinks.”

“Would you like more?” Dan asked, taking the cups from her.

“No, Dear. Thank you though.”

“Dinner will be ready soon,” Phil said as Dan placed the cups in the sink. “Maybe five minutes.”

“No rush at all. Your father and I are enjoying relaxing after travelling. I’m going to go back out there and leave you two to it.”

She left the room and Dan walked back over to Phil. “What can I help with next?”

Phil shook his head. “Nothing. I’ve got it,” he replied quickly.

Dan stared at him for a moment. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay,” Dan said, noticing Phil’s change in attitude. “I’ll, um, I’ll go sit with your parents.”

Phil nodded.

As Dan went to leave the room, Phil let out a deep breath. “We wouldn’t want to push your luck,” he said, not wanting Dan to think he was mad at him about something.

“One after another today, Lester,” Dan said from the doorway. Phil could hear the smile in his voice. “My heart can’t take much more.”

 

Dan not only cleaned up after dinner, telling Phil to spend some more time with his family, but he also offered to let them stay in his room.

_ “I’ve got a daybed in the room upstairs,” he said. “I can stay there.” _

Phil wasn’t sure what to think. Kevin never offered to let his parents stay. He always said their place was too small and that it would be too cramped.

But, this apartment was smaller than theirs had been.

And, no, Dan wasn’t his boyfriend like Kevin was but, somehow, that even made it worse.

The Lester’s politely declined Dan’s offer, seeing as they already planned to stay with Martyn and Cornelia. However, they said they may accept for their next trip.

Dan shook Nigel’s hand, and gave Kathryn a hug. They all made plans to see one another the day after tomorrow. Dan tried to stay out of it so it would just be the family, but both Kathryn and Nigel insisted he join.

“I’m going to walk them out,” Phil said as they headed out the door.

“Okay. It was lovely meeting you both,” Dan said, waving to them as they made their way down the hall.

When he went back into their flat, Kathryn placed an arm on Phil’s back. “I see it now,” she said, keeping her voice quiet even though no one else was around.

“See what?” Phil asked, confused.

“The difference. What I didn’t ever notice before.”

“Mum, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

As they stepped outside, Nigel excused himself to keep a lookout for their cab, which was due to arrive any moment.

“You were a slave to Kevin, weren’t you?” She asked, tears filling in her eyes. “I thought you simply enjoyed keeping busy, even when we were around. But that’s not so, is it? He never helped you with a thing.”

This was not the conversation Phil wanted to have right now. “Mum, it’s… I don’t-”

Kathryn held her hand up to stop him. “You don’t have to answer me, Philip. I’m just sorry I didn’t notice before. I see it though, with Dan.”

“Mum, that’s different. Dan isn’t- He’s a friend and a flatmate.”

“And yet he treats you better than Kevin ever did.” Kathryn reached out and took Phil’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “No parent, no  _ good  _ parent, ever wants to see their child in pain. Knowing you were hurting for eight years… It’s hard to forgive myself for that. You seem happier now, Phil, and that makes me happy to know.”

Phil knew his mum meant well, but he wanted nothing more than this entire conversation to end. 

Thankfully, someone out there must’ve heard his thoughts, because their cab arrived and Nigel called Kathryn over.

 

After saying goodnight, Phil headed back up to his flat. 

When he walked into the living room, Dan was sitting at the couch, watching TV and eating another slice of the cake Phil had made.

“This cake is fucking delicious,” he said, mouth full. “I’m not even hungry but I wanted more.”

“Thank you,” Phil said, smiling politely as he sat down on the couch. “Sorry they stayed so long. I thought they’d leave right after dessert.”

Dan crossed his legs, setting his plate down on them. “Are you kidding?” He asked. “I love your parents. They’re amazing.”

Phil tilted his head, giving Dan a look.  _ “Dan.” _

_ “Phil,”  _ Dan replied, matching his tone.

“They can be a bit much, I know. They like to talk.”

Dan shrugged. “So do I. I really like them, Phil. I hope they come more often.”

Phil relaxed into the couch. “They seemed to like you. More than me, possibly,” he added with a smile.

Dan laughed. “Oh, please. They’re obsessed with you. Kathryn had loads of baby pictures on her phone. Showed them all to me while you were cooking.”

“You’re joking?” Phil asked, wide eyed.

“Nope. Even one of you in the bath. Such a cute little tush you had.”

“Oh God.”

Phil’s reaction caused Dan to laugh even harder. “Seriously,” he said, reaching out a foot to poke at Phil’s thigh, “they love you loads. Not hard to understand why, though. You _are_ an actual ray of sunshine.”

Phil looked down at his lap. He was never any good at taking compliments, and he had never been given one like that before. Surely, Dan was kidding. He had to be. Phil was no ray of sunshine. In fact, he felt the furthest thing from it.

“I’m, um, I’m going to get ready for bed,” he said, getting up from the couch. He kept his voice light, so Dan wouldn’t suspect an issue.

“Alright,” Dan said, picking up another spoonful of cake. “Goodnight, Phil.”

Phil took a deep breath, Dan’s comment continuously replaying in his mind. “Night, Dan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and commenting! The more I write this story, the more I enjoy writing it. I hope you all liked the chapter. Let me know what you think!


	8. All Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter than usual, but it didn't feel right to add more to it.

He wasn’t all bad, which was the most terrible thing about him.

He could be kind, caring, loving even. In his own way.

He liked to hold hands, and he enjoyed vacations. He always wanted to go to the same place, but it wasn’t like Phil minded getting to travel to Spain every year.

He would bring surprises home sometimes too. When he’d get his first paycheck at a new job, he’d buy Phil videoing equipment, or decorations for the house, or pots and pans for Phil to use in the kitchen.

He loved photography. He could take the most beautiful pictures of nature. He could have been a professional photographer. Phil tried to get him to do it so many times, but he never would.

He also liked to swim. He and Phil would spend hours at the community pool, laughing and swimming and playing games. 

He was so good at apologizing too. So sincere when he’d wake up and realize what he’d done the night before. He would cry, and make promises, and all the good things he’d ever done would flash through Phil’s head. All the good moments they’d shared would play like a movie in his mind.

_ “You know I’ll be better to you than anyone else ever could be.” _

That’s what Kevin would say to him through tears, begging Phil to stay. 

_ “I can’t live without you. I need you. We both need each other. It’s been you and me for years now; I wouldn’t know how to live without you. Please, don’t make me live without you.” _

So Phil would accept his apology, and he’d stay, and they’d have a few good days. Then the cycle would start all over again.

It was exhausting, but Phil always feared that leaving would be worse.

 

While Kevin had the ability to make Phil feel like the most important person in the world, he also had the ability to make Phil feel like algae at the bottom of a pool.

Disgusting, slimy, and a hindrance to anyone around him.

He was the biggest critic of the clothes Phil wore. 

If dinner wasn’t perfect, he was sure to talk about it for days.

He’d make jokes about Phil to Phil’s family that would seem light-hearted, but they didn’t feel that way. 

_ “I always tell Phil we have to leave an hour before we really do. He’s terrible at keeping track of time.” _

_ “I walked into the bathroom today and he’s in there with gunk all over his hair. I don’t know why he wastes time dying it when we can see his eyebrows don’t match.” _

_ “Sometimes I feel like I’m dating a member of My Chemical Romance when I look at Phil’s hair.” _

It didn’t sound so bad when said during a conversation. Phil would always laugh along, maybe make a little joke back at Kevin’s expense. But, the difference was that Phil didn’t actually mean the things he’d say. He’d add on a, “I’m just kidding. I really don’t care.”

Kevin never did that.

Sometimes, he’d keep on with the joke even after Phil’s family was gone.

_ “One night I might just get some scissors and cut the fringe off in your sleep.” _

_ “You’re not being serious, are you, Kev?” Phil asked, his heartbeat speeding up. Often, it was hard to tell what was a joke and what wasn’t. _

_ “Guess we’ll have to wait and see,” Kevin replied with a smile and a wink. _

Phil remembered spending the next week barely sleeping. He’d doze off sometimes, only to jerk back awake when Kevin would move.

All of the memories are what led to Phil pacing back and forth in his bedroom, in the dark, until he heard Dan leave the lounge and go to his own room.

He waited a few more minutes, then headed out into the lounge.

He turned on the TV, muting it immediately, then started up Mario Kart. 

If he couldn’t sleep tonight, the least he could do is distract himself by playing games.

 

He played for almost two hours, coming in last place nearly every time.

He was never  _ that  _ bad at Mario Kart, but his mind kept wandering and he was never really able to focus.

When his mind would wander, he’d be overcome with waves of nausea. He knew he had eaten too much with his parents. He never should have had dessert. 

It felt like there was a rock in the pit of his stomach, and when memories of Kevin would flash through his mind, that rock would try to jump up Phil’s throat.

He never threw up, thankfully, but he felt close a few times. He’d have to stop playing for a few seconds, putting the controller to the side and taking deep breaths.

He had just lost another round when he heard someone walking into the room.

Even though he knew it could only be one person, his heart began to race until he looked around and saw Dan.

“What’re you doing?” Dan asked. He had gray sweatpants and a black hoodie on, with his hands resting in the pockets. 

“Couldn’t sleep. Did I wake you?”

“I haven’t gone to sleep yet,” Dan replied. “I just changed locations. I started a Wikipedia search on the origin of Halloween and ended up reading all about ancient Egypt.”

“Interesting.”

“Yup.” Dan walked around to the couch and sat down. “You alright? I know you stay up late sometimes, but never usually this late.”

Phil took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I’m okay,” he said, choosing to stare at the TV instead of making eye contact with Dan.

“Wow. You are a horrible liar.”

“I am not,” Phil said, looking over at Dan with a glare.

Dan laughed. “You are too! No one breathes like that if they’re okay.”

“Well, I do,” Phil replied, turning back to the TV.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Dan said, his voice softer now. “I mean, I’m the last fucking person on Earth qualified to give advice. But, I’m here, if you do wanna talk.”

Phil bit at his bottom lip for a moment. “I ju- I get stressed, when my parents arrive,” he said. It wasn’t a lie. He did always stress when they came around. But, that’s not what was keeping him awake.

“I think every adult gets that way,” Dan replied. “We’re trying to show them that we can be functional human beings, no matter how much of a lie that actually is. Although, I do think you’re far more functional than I am.”

Phil couldn’t help but let out a humorless laugh. The last thing he felt like at the moment was a functional adult. 

“I don’t want to let them down, you know?” He said. “After having to move back home, I want them to know I’m alright.”

“It really seems like they do know that,” Dan said. “They appear to be very proud of you.”

“Yeah… maybe.”

“Is that really what’s keeping you up?” Dan asked, tilting his head to the side.

Phil sighed. “No,” he said before thinking.

“Didn’t think so. Want to talk about it, whatever it is?”

God, Dan was nice. He was too nice. Phil wasn’t used to this. He was used to figuring out his problems for himself. He was used to trying to tell Kevin when something was wrong and Kevin patting him on the knee, saying, “You’ll figure it out,” and leaving him to go to bed, or go to a pub.

And Phil _wanted_ to talk about his problems. He always wanted to talk about his problems. But, he couldn’t. He couldn’t burden someone else with his issues. It wouldn’t be right.

“No,” he replied, hoping Dan would leave it- leave him- alone. 

Dan was silent for a moment, just looking at Phil. “Okay. I’m, um, gonna head to bed for real now. G’night, Phil. Again.”

“Night, Dan,” He replied, his voice cracking slightly as he spoke. He hoped Dan wouldn’t notice, or would at least pretend not to.

Phil felt on the verge of tears, even though he wasn’t sure why, and he knew he’d start crying soon enough. He just needed to hold it together a little bit longer.

Thankfully, Dan went on to his bedroom. 

The sound of Dan’s door shutting, leaving Phil alone, seemed to be what caused him to break. He drew his knees up close to his chest as tears poured from his eyes.

It was a silent cry. Something Phil had mastered a long time ago. By the time he was twenty-three, he could practically be hyperventilating next to a sleeping Kevin without ever waking him up.

He cried on and off for hours, long past the sun rising and glaring through their living room window. 

He didn’t move off of the couch until he heard rustling sounds from Dan’s bedroom.

He got up and went into his own room, shutting and locking the door, falling asleep with watery eyes and the sounds of Dan making himself a bowl of cereal in the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this chapter. Sorry it's shorter than most of them are, but this seemed more like a stand alone thing than adding more scenes to it. Next one will be longer.
> 
> Thank you for all the comments on the last chapter! It means so much to me.
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	9. I'm Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you all know by now that this is a fairly graphic story, and this chapter is no exception. Without giving anything away, what happens in this chapter happened to someone very close to me (more than once) with the person she was in a long-term relationship with. It all happens in italics, if you'd like to skip.

The day Dan spent with the Lester’s was filled with laughter, family jokes, and so much love that Dan couldn’t help but feel warm.

It wasn’t that Dan’s own family didn’t have those things, but this seemed different. They were definitely bonded more than Dan was with his family, although that could have been his own fault more than theirs.

Whatever it was, Dan enjoyed his day with a lovely family that seemed to embrace him quickly and happily. Any awkwardness he thought he’d feel faded away within minutes.

By the end of the day, everyone was heading back to Dan and Phil’s flat for ice cream and coffee.

They talked as they ate, and Dan was slightly blown away by the fact they never seemed to run out of things to talk about. They asked Dan about his life as well, but not the same way his family did. They actually knew things about YouTube, understood the world that Dan was apart of, so it was easier to talk to them about everything.

Dan ended up dribbling some ice cream on his shirt, so he excused himself to use the restroom and change. 

He was gone for a few minutes, gently dabbing at the ice cream so it would wash out of his shirt easily. 

When he finally headed back to the living room, he stopped in the hall as he heard the family talking.

“Yes, I do,” Phil said, answering a question that Dan didn’t get to hear. 

“You haven’t heard from Kevin, have you?” Martyn asked.

“No, I haven’t.”

“How would he hear from him?” Nigel questioned. “He changed his number.”

“People have ways of finding information out, Dad,” Martyn replied.

“Well, if you do hear from him, you call the police immediately,” Kathryn said. 

“Can we stop talking about this, please?” Phil asked, keeping his voice low. 

“We just want to make sure you’re safe,” Nigel said.

“And that he never comes near you again,” Kathryn added.

“I haven’t heard from him,” Phil answered. “I don’t expect to either. And he’s not going to come after me. That would take too much effort.”

“You’d be surprised,” Kathryn said. “I watch a lot of those true crime shows and most of the time it’s an ex that hurts or kills the other person. You can never be too careful, Philip.”

“Mum,  _ please _ ,” Phil begged. 

“Phil’s right,” Cornelia chimed in. “This isn’t good conversation for a family visit. I actually have some pictures from…”

As Cornelia continued to speak, Dan quietly walked back to his room. He stayed in there for a few more minutes, until he was sure the conversation had moved onto another topic. 

Even when he was sitting back out with the rest of the family, he couldn’t help but think about what he had heard. 

What had Phil’s ex done to him?

Is it the reason why Phil was such a perfectionist?

Was it not as big of a deal as the family made it seem?

That didn’t seem likely, but Dan still hoped.

 

_ “Here’s your drink,” Kevin said, handing Phil a glass of juice. “Still don’t see how you enjoy drinking apple juice. Thought only kids liked that shit.” _

_ “I don’t believe juice has an age limit, Kev,” Phil replied as Kevin settled down on the couch beside him. “You want the next episode to start?” _

_ “Yeah, go ahead.” _

_ Phil pressed play for the next episode of Dexter to begin. It wasn’t a show Phil particularly liked, but Kevin enjoyed it. And, if watching Dexter kept Kevin from going out to a bar, Phil would sit and watch it for hours. _

_ He was enjoying even less tonight though. Phil counted and, within ten minutes of the episode starting, Kevin had looked over at him eight times. _

_ “What?” Phil asked. _

_ Kevin shook his head. “Nothing.” _

_ “Okay.” _

_ As the episode went on, Phil began feeling dizzy. His eyes would blur, and he’d have to squeeze them shut for a few seconds until his vision would return to normal. _

_ “Need a refill?” Kevin asked once the episode was over. _

_ Phil shook his head. “I don’t… I don’t feel very good. I’m-  I need to lie down, I think,” he replied. Even speaking made him feel nauseous. _

_ Kevin practically jumped up off of the couch. “Here, I’ll help you,” he said, wrapping an arm around Phil’s waist and helping him to the bedroom. _

 

_ Phil didn’t remember anything after walking through the bedroom door. Not until the next morning. _

_ When he woke up the next day, his head was pounding and he was confused.  _

_ He didn’t remember lying down in bed. He didn’t remember taking his clothes off. _

_ Why were his clothes off? _

_ He slept in pyjamas, especially when it was cold out. But, he wasn’t wearing anything.  _

_ His entire body was shaking, covered in chills. He was only half covered with a sheet, the comforter pulled over all the way on Kevin’s side of the bed.  _

_ He moved to sit up, gasping in pain when he tried. _

_ His whole body felt sore. Not just “oh, I must’ve slept weird last night” sore, but more like “who threw me around like I was a ragdoll” sore. _

_ He pushed the sheet to the side, looking down at his body. From what he could see of his chest, it looked like he was covered in hickeys. His hips and thighs were bruised and, without even looking, he knew that there had to be bruises on his lower back too. _

_ The worst part was the scent of mint.  _

_ Phil could try to deny the fact that anything non consensual happened with everything else, but he couldn’t when he’d breathe in the strong mint smell. _

_ It was lube that Kevin had bought almost a year ago. Phil had opened it, a little spilling on his hand when he went to smell it, and it made his hand itchy and red. _

_ He told Kevin they’d never be able to use it, and Kevin pouted for hours.  _

_ Phil thought Kevin had returned it, or thrown it away. But now it was all he could smell, and it made him sick. _

_ He rushed into the bathroom, ignoring the pain all over his body, and knelt in front of the toilet. _

_ He puked until there was nothing left to come up, then slowly moved over to the sink. _

_ When he looked in the mirror, he felt sick again. If it weren’t for the fact he had puked everything up, he would’ve moved back to the toilet. _

_ His whole body was covered in marks and bruises. Starting at his neck, all the way to where the mirror cut off at his thighs, there were spots all over his body.  _

_ When he turned to look at his back, the lower part was bruised just as he expected. There were also scratch marks, like an animal had clawed at him. _

_ He walked over to the shower and turned it on, trying to ignore the tears that were starting to fall from his eyes. _

_ He felt disgusting, and the only thing he wanted to do was wash himself clean. As if, somehow, that would make all of this better.  _

_ Maybe he could wash the bruises away. Maybe the scratches would fade and he could forget anything ever happened.  _

_ Maybe- _

 

“Phil? Phil! Earth to Philip Lester!”

Phil jumped slightly, looking over at Dan, who was sitting on the other end of the couch. “What?” Phil asked.

“You blanked out again,” Dan said. “In the middle of Mario Kart, which you were winning by the way.”

“Oh,” Phil replied, looking over at the screen. “I don’t- I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Are you alright though? You’ve been doing that a lot the past few days.” Dan had noticed it happening almost every day since Phil’s parents had left.

“I’m fine,” Phil responded quickly. “Just a bit tired, I guess.”

“Why don’t you go take a nap?” Dan suggested, turning off the TV. “When you wake up, I’ll have a shitload of food waiting on you.”

“You’re gonna cook?” Phil asked, giving Dan a suspicious look.

“No, but the good people at Domino’s are.”

Phil smiled slightly as he moved the controller off of his lap. “I think a nap would be good,” he said, standing up.

“Do you want me to wake you if you’re still sleeping when the food gets here?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, I want a Mario Kart rematch too.”

“You’re on, Lester.”

 

When Phil got to his room, he didn’t lay down. He sat on the edge of his bed, his foot tapping rapidly on the floor. 

He hadn’t been sleeping much lately; not since his parents left.

He knew they meant well, but the things they said had gotten to him.

The idea of Kevin calling, or somehow finding out where he lived, terrified him. 

He spend his nights with the lights in his room on, going around and making sure all the windows and doors were locked, and staring down onto the streets to see if Kevin was outside.

Once the sun rose, he’d fall asleep for a couple of hours, but then he’d wake up when he heard Dan in the kitchen.

They liked watching TV together in the mornings now. Phil enjoyed that, and he didn’t want to miss out.

And he had other things to do during the day as well. He couldn’t spend his days trying to catch up on missed sleep.

It wasn’t like the few hours he did spend sleeping were very good either. They were usually filled with vivid dreams. Sometimes they’d be realistic; basically flashbacks of his time with Kevin.

Other times, it would be nightmares of Kevin in the flat. He’d either be hurting Phil, or hurting Dan. Phil wasn’t sure which one was worse.

He’d always wake up sweating and shaking and feeling worse than he did before.

His entire life was beginning to feel like one long anxiety and panic attack that wouldn’t end. 

 

Two days later, not much had changed. Kevin was a constant thought in the back of Phil’s mind. 

Everything seemed to set him off. From loud noises to the sound of the shower running, everything brought back a memory that Phil had tried so desperately hard to push away.

He was almost always shaking, but it was worse this morning than it had been before.

He was trying to pour cereal into his bowl when most of it ended up on the counter. Thankfully, Dan was already sitting in the living room getting a show started, so Phil didn’t have to explain.

As he turned around to get a napkin to clean up the mess, he knocked into the bowl, sending everything to the ground.

The bowl shattered and Phil froze. All he could think was how it was Dan’s bowl, that Dan paid for, and he just ruined it. He ruined someone else’s things and you shouldn’t do that.

“Phil, are you alright?” Dan asked, bringing Phil out of his thoughts. He knelt down on the floor, quickly trying to pick up the sharp pieces of the bowl.

“I- I’m okay!” Phil called back. Even his voice was shaking now. 

He could hear Dan walking toward the kitchen and his hand clenched together, causing the bowl to cut him slightly.

He ignored it, continuing to pick up the mess.

“What happened?” Dan asked as he walked into the kitchen. 

Phil flinched. “I just- I turned and it fell and I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Dan replied. “Are you alright?”

“Mhm.” It was the only thing Phil could manage to get out. He felt like he was about to start crying.

“Here, I’ll help,” Dan said, bending down beside Phil to start picking up what he could. “God only knows how many I…” His voice trailed off as he looked over at Phil, small drops of blood coming out from his hand. “Phil, stop.”

Phil stopped moving immediately.

“Your hand’s bleeding,” Dan continued, dropping the broken bowl and pieces of cereal in his hand. “Here, put all that down.”

“I need to clean it up. I made a mess,” Phil replied, staring down at the floor.

“That’s not a big deal.” Dan reached over and gently took Phil’s hand. He removed all the broken pieces and put them back on the floor. “Come on,” He said, slowly standing up. He kept his hand around Phil’s wrist, pulling him up as well.

They walked into the bathroom and Dan turned on the sink. “It doesn’t look too bad,” he said. “All the blood’s just from it not being cleaned up right away.”

He guided Phil’s hand under the sink and let the blood wash away. “I’m sorry,” Phil said, almost whispering.

“There’s no need to be sorry,” Dan replied. He turned off the water and looked over the cuts. “Only a couple of them. I’ll get some band-aids.”

Dan left out of the room, returning less than a minute later. He opened the bandages and placed them on Phil’s hand, covering the now barely bleeding cuts. 

“Should be fine now,” Dan said, giving Phil a smile.

“I’ll buy you new dishes,” Phil replied quickly, looking away from Dan and down to his hand. “I’m really sorry.”

“Phil, it’s fine, I promise,” Dan said. He was worried about Phil more than anything. “I break shit all the time; it’s why I buy the cheapest dishes.”

Phil bit at his bottom lip. It was as though he didn’t believe Dan. Like he was waiting for Dan to freak out on him, and it was worrying him that it hadn’t happened yet. “I need to finish cleaning up,” Phil said, moving away from Dan to leave the room.

“No,” Dan responded quickly. “No, you’re going to go sit down and make sure your hand doesn’t start bleeding worse. I’ll clean up.”

“But-”

“No buts! Go sit.”

Dan followed Phil into the living room, making sure he sat on the couch before heading into the kitchen. 

The whole time Dan cleaned up, he couldn’t stop thinking about Phil. He had noticed Phil flinch when he came in the room. He could feel Phil shaking as he held onto his hand. The dazed look Phil would get in his eyes, mixed with fear and panic. Dan could see it all.

He didn’t want to make Phil uncomfortable, but he wanted him to know that he never needed to be afraid. Dan would never get angry over something as small as a broken dish. He definitely didn’t need to keep cleaning even after getting hurt.

As he cleaned up the last few pieces of cereal, Dan decided he’d go talk to Phil. He wouldn’t pressure anything out of him. He’d just let him know that he could be comfortable here. He’d let him know he was worried, and that he wanted to make sure Phil was okay.

They were friends now, Dan actually considered Phil to be his best friend, so there was no reason they couldn’t talk about this.

Unfortunately, when Dan headed back into the living room, Phil was gone. 

He checked everywhere. Phil wasn’t in the bathroom, or his bedroom. Dan even checked his own room.

He was just gone.

Dan got out his phone and wrote out a text to Phil, asking him where he went. When he pressed send, he heard a buzzing nearby. He walked back into the kitchen to see Phil’s phone on the counter.

Dan took a deep breath. Now he was starting to get anxiety. He had no idea where Phil would go, and no way to get ahold of him. He knew for sure that something was wrong, but he wasn’t able to do anything about it.

He’d have to wait until Phil got back home. 

God, he hoped Phil would come back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, please let me know what you thought about this chapter. It was a tough one to write, but I felt it was important to the story.
> 
> Thank you all for the kind comments so far! 
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	10. Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like most of the chapters, there is a flashback. As always, it's in italics if you'd rather avoid.

Dan had been waiting for hours. He had thought about calling Phil’s parents, or brother, but he didn’t want to overreact.

He decided to wait a full twenty-four hours before he made any of those calls.

So, he kept waiting. Sitting on the couch, only getting up to use the restroom or get a drink. 

Dan kept looking at his phone, watching the time pass by.

Day turned into night, and suddenly it was two o’clock in the morning.

It was two in the morning and Phil was still gone.

He had nothing with him besides a key to the flat, so he was out on the street somewhere, just wandering around London.

Dan was close to getting up and walking around the city to try and find him when the doorknob to the flat began to wiggle.

A few seconds later, Phil was coming inside.

Dan stood up as Phil shut the door behind him. 

“Hey, Phil,” Dan said, unsure if Phil had even seen him yet.

Phil glanced over at him, his eyes lingering for half a second before he looked away.

“Hey,” he replied with a brief smile. He took off his coat, opening a closet near the front door to put it in.

Dan took a deep breath. “Are you alright?” He asked.

“Yeah, of course.” Phil headed into the kitchen. Dan, confused, followed behind. “Why’re you still up?” Phil asked.

“I, um, I was waiting on you?” Dan replied, the sentence coming out more like a question than a statement. Phil was acting so odd, it almost scared Dan.

“Oh, you didn’t need to do that,” Phil said, opening the fridge and getting out a pitcher of water.

“I was worried,” Dan admitted, crossing his arms as he leaned back against the counter. “You left in a hurry.”

Phil grabbed a cup out of the cabinet, and Dan could see his hands were shaking. He decided to save that problem for another time.

“I had errands to run,” Phil said.

That was quite possibly the worst lie Dan had ever heard. “You had errands to run?”

“Mhm.” Phil quickly drank down the entire glass of water.

“Errands that didn’t require any money? Errands so important you left your phone behind? Errands that took you until two in the morning?”

Phil slammed his cup back down on the counter, the noise so loud it made Dan jump. “I didn’t know I needed to give you every detail of my life,” he said, his voice cold and angry.

Dan’s heart sped up a little bit. He’d never seen Phil like this before. “You don’t,” he replied, trying to sound as calm as possible. “I was worried. I thought you were mad or scared this morning, and then you were just gone. I didn’t-”

“Maybe we should get a whiteboard so we can write down our daily schedules. You can know every single move I make that way.”

“Phil, what’s the matter with you?”

“You’re not my boyfriend, you’re my roommate. That’s it. I know you never leave the house, but that doesn’t mean I can’t ever leave. Now, if it’s alright with you, I’m going to get a shower. It should take about ten to fifteen minutes, and then I’ll be going to my room, where I’ll stay the rest of the night.”

Phil started to leave the kitchen, but Dan wanted to talk. He wanted to apologize for whatever he did and try to fix the problem. He reached out his hand and touched Phil’s arm, trying to stop him from leaving, but Phil jerked away quickly and looked at Dan with a glare.

“Do _not_ touch me,” he said, his voice low.

Dan put his arm back down by his side. “I’m sorry, Phil. I didn’t… I just wanted to fix this.”

Phil glared at Dan for a second longer, before turning away and leaving the room.

Dan stood there for a few minutes, even after hearing the shower turn on, wondering what the hell had happened.

It wasn’t until the shower turned back off that Dan headed to his room. No matter how many questions he had, or how badly his feelings were hurt, there was no way things were going to be fixed right now.

 

_ “What’s this?” _

_ Phil closed the door behind him. Kevin had been asleep when Phil ran to the store fifteen minutes ago. He had to run out to get more pepper for the dinner he was making, only to return home with Kevin standing at the door, Phil’s phone in his hand. _

_ “That’s my phone?” Phil questioned. He wasn’t sure if this was a joke. _

_ “You left it here.” _

_ Oh. That was the problem. Kevin hated when Phil couldn’t be reached. _

_ “I know. I’m sorry.” Phil walked around Kevin to head into the kitchen. “I left a note though. I didn’t have enough pepper for dinner.” _

_ “Who the fuck is Dan?” _

_ Phil froze, then slowly lowered the bag onto the kitchen counter. “Dan who?”  _

_ “The only Dan on your phone, Phil. The Dan who you apparently text a hundred times a day. The Dan you have inside jokes with, and make vacation plans with. That Dan.” _

_ Phil’s heart was beating so fast he was afraid he was going to pass out.  _

_ “That… We just joke, Kev,” Phil said, turning around to face him. “It’s not real vacations. Just places we’ve thought about going.” _

_ Kevin moved closer. “Do not try to make this innocent, Phil,” he said through gritted teeth. “You know what you’ve been doing.” _

_ “I haven’t done anything. All our texts are stupid jokes or random thoughts we have through the day. Stories that we might want to make videos about, that kind of stuff. It  _ is  _ innocent.” _

_ “You’ve been cheating on me for months and making me look like an idiot! You don’t do that to me!” _

_ “All we’ve done is text each other!” Phil exclaimed, fear coursing through his veins. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Nothing had ever happened between him and Dan. They’d only met in person one time. “You’ve  _ actually _ cheated on me three times, Kevin! And that’s only the ones I know of. Don’t you remember the time I came home early to surprise you and you were having sex with some woman on our couch?! Or were you so drunk that the memory faded?!” _

_ There was an anger in Kevin’s eyes that Phil had only seen a couple of times before. He knew what was coming. He knew what was coming the moment Kevin said Dan’s name. There wasn’t any way to stop it. _

_ Suddenly, Phil’s phone was being thrown across the room. It smashed into the wall, breaking into pieces.  _

_ Then Phil’s hair was being grabbed, and he was the one being thrown against the wall.  _

_ And then his lip became bloody, and his cheek bruised, and by the end he was begging Kevin to stop. Promising to block Dan’s number, telling Kevin he could check his phone whenever he wanted, he could do anything he wanted, just stop. _

_ Kevin did stop, finally. He agreed to Phil’s terms, cleaned the blood off of Phil’s face, apologized for overreacting, and laid Phil down so he could rest. _

 

Phil looked over at the clock on his nightstand. It was now 4 o’clock, and it didn’t seem like he’d be sleeping anytime soon.

He felt like such an idiot. He had spent the entire day walking, besides a couple of hours sitting on a park bench. 

All the walking gave him time to do nothing but think.

He thought about meeting Kevin, and how happy they were at first.

He thought about the first time Kevin got angry, and how the anger was so much worse than Phil had ever seen.

The first time Kevin hurt him physically, and all the times that came after.

He thought about all the apologies he had accepted. All the times Kevin cried afterward, making promises he’d never keep.

He thought about how he wanted to fix Kevin. He kept telling himself that if he just showed him more love, if he showed him how happy he could make him, they’d be okay.

For eight years he kept making excuses, kept convincing himself that things would change.

And, sometimes, things would change for a few months. They would go months without a big argument, months without Kevin drinking or going out. They would be happy for a while, and it would make Phil feel like this could be their normal, but it never lasted.

It never, ever lasted, and all Phil felt like now was a failure who wasted eight years of his life. And he was angry, and sad, and he wanted to throw things and cry, but the only thing he could seem to do was hurt the one person who was there for him.

The one person outside of his family that Phil really could trust. The one person he considered his best friend.

He felt his breathing becoming irregular. He sat up in bed, trying to take deep breaths, but he couldn’t.

He was panicking, his hands were sweating, and he felt very close to throwing up.

He didn’t want to be alone right now. He was scared, and shaky, and everything seemed wrong.

Without another thought, he hurried out of bed and down the hall. He only paused for a brief second before knocking on Dan’s door.

Surprisingly, Dan answered quickly. “Yeah?” He said softly, his eyes red and slightly puffy.

Phil took a deep breath. “Can we talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your comments. I wish I had more time to write all of you back individually, but please know I read them all and I'm very grateful.
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	11. It's Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, proceed with caution.

Dan was sitting on the couch, as he had been for the last ten minutes.

Phil had asked him to come out to the lounge, then asked him to sit.

Once Dan did, Phil went and got him some water, then got Dan some water, then excused himself to the bathroom, and then sat down in a chair across from Dan.

“We don’t have to talk,” Dan said, watching Phil’s leg bounce up and down.

Phil looked up at him with wide eyes, like he had been in deep thought and completely forgotten Dan was even there.

“No… No, I want to.”

Dan took a deep breath. He reached over and grabbed a pillow from the couch, wrapping his arms around it and holding tight. “Alright.”

“I- I’m sorry. I’m sorry for saying you were just my roommate.” Phil tried to keep eye contact with Dan, but he found himself looking down at his jeans more often than not. “That’s not true.”

“That did hurt my feelings a bit,” Dan admitted, picking at the pillow. “It’s the second time I thought I had a best friend and then lost him.”

“You _are_ my best friend,” Phil replied quickly. “And you were before too. I just… I want to explain everything to you, but I- I don’t want you to think it’s an excuse for how I acted. It’s not, I promise. I really am sorry for hurting you. I just-” Phil stood up, feeling a heaviness in his chest.

He couldn’t cry, not now.

Pacing would help. Moving around would keep him from having a panic attack. That’s all he’d need to do.

“You don’t have to explain anything,” Dan said, becoming worried. “It’s okay.”

“I want to talk though. I want to talk, and tell somebody. I’ve never really talked about it and I think it’s killing me and I don’t want to talk to anyone else but you, I just don’t know how to start.”

Dan stood up, moving in front of Phil to stop him from pacing. “Can I touch you?” He asked, his hand moving toward Phil’s shoulder.

Phil nodded.

“Okay.” Dan gently placed his hand on Phil’s shoulder and led him over to the couch. “Let’s just sit and chat, alright? We can talk about anything you want.”

Once Phil was sitting, Dan sat back down. Phil closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, then began.

“My… Kevin, my ex, he… he wasn’t a great person,” Phil started, his voice quiet as he stared down at the couch. “For eight years, I stayed with him. I wasted eight years of my life on him, thinking I could fix him. That’s what I fully realized yesterday while I was out, walking around.” He settled back into the couch. “God, I was so stupid.”

“Don’t say that,” Dan said gently. “You’re not stupid.”

Phil laughed humorlessly. “Dan, when I left him, like _for good_ left him, he held a knife to my back as I walked out the door. He yelled about how worthless I was, and how I’d never find anyone else to love me. I barely had anything when I moved in here because I left most of it with him. I only took what I needed.”

Dan didn’t know what to say. Whatever he thought Phil had been through, it was already much worse.

“I met him when I was twenty,” Phil continued. He couldn’t seem to stop talking now. “I was young and so stupid and thought I could take on the world. He hit me the first time after we’d been together for six months. It was just a slap on the cheek, but that should have been the end, you know? I stayed though. Each time he hurt me, I stayed because he’d promise that he would never do it again. He’d cry, and blame alcohol, and say he’d get sober.”

Phil sighed, shaking his head. “I believed him so many times, Dan. I was so gullible. He’d go to meetings and he’d throw out any alcohol in the house. We would be okay for awhile, and then it would start all over again.”

“Phil, none of this is your fault, you know that, right?” Dan asked, hoping Phil would look at him.

“I could’ve left,” Phil replied. He glanced up at Dan, but didn’t keep eye contact for long. “I _did_ leave,” he added sadly. “Twice before.”

“When?” Dan asked.

“The first time, I was twenty-two. I stayed at my parents house for a weekend. I didn’t tell them why I was staying; they thought it was a normal visit. He kept texting me. Endless texts about how he couldn’t make it without me, and he felt like he was depressed and he was going to kill himself if I didn’t come home.”

Phil looked at Dan again, and this time he didn’t look away. He shrugged, his eyes filled with tears. “I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t want to be the reason he killed himself. I went back and promised I’d never leave him again. I kept that promise until I was twenty-six.”

“He was manipulating you,” Dan said, curling his legs up close to his chest. “That’s not your fault.”

“When I was twenty-six,” Phil continued, and Dan wondered if he even heard him speak, “I left again. He had beaten me so bad that my entire back was just one huge bruise. I went to my parents again, and didn’t tell them anything. They hugged me so many times that week, and I’d have to bite my lip to keep from screaming in pain. All they did was brag about Kevin that whole week. They didn’t know, you know? They never would have stood up for him if they’d known.”

Dan nodded. “I know. You have a good family.”

Phil took a deep breath. “I just couldn’t bring myself to tell them the truth. They were so happy that I had my life together. I was successful, I had a boyfriend, I got to work at home, I had fans. To them, I had everything. It made me feel so bad for leaving, because I knew it could be worse, so I went back.”

“Did he text you that time too?” Dan asked.

“Yeah. A lot. I told myself I was ignoring them, but I never stopped thinking about it. He was threatening to kill himself again, and then on my last day with my parents, he wouldn’t text me at all. I thought I would come home to him dead. When I walked in the door, my heart was racing so fast I thought it would burst out of my chest.”

Dan shook his head. He could not believe all Phil had been through. To live through all of that and still be able to be as positive and kind as Phil was, it seemed impossible. “I’m so sorry for all you went through, Phil. I never… I had no idea.”

Phil bit at his bottom lip. He knew the conversation could’ve ended here, but he didn’t want it to. “I… Can I tell you something?” He asked, looking over at Dan. There was a desperation in his eyes that Dan had never seen before.

“Of course.”

“I’ve never told anyone. I mean, there’s actually a lot my family doesn’t know, but _no one_ knows this.”

“Okay,” Dan said. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

“I know you wouldn’t. I just… I’ve never admitted it before.” Phil closed his eyes for a second, taking another deep breath. When he opened them, a tear fell down his cheek. “I never really cared about sex. I mean, it was always about Kevin and what he wanted, so some nights I would say no and he’d get mad. He… He always got what he wanted in the end, no matter what.”

“Oh my God, Phil.”

“I stopped fighting it after the first few times it happened. I’d say okay and let him do whatever he wanted. I- I think he liked the fight though, or something about me saying no, because there are two times where I woke up-” Phil paused, his bottom lip trembling. More tears fell now, but he quickly wiped them away. “I woke up and I was naked, and bruised, and I knew something had happened but I couldn’t remember what.”

“He drugged you?” Dan questioned. He felt so unbelievably angry. Dan knew, without a doubt, that if he saw Kevin right now, he’d kill him.

Phil nodded as he began to cry even harder. He was taking in shaky breaths, staring down at his legs, tears falling quickly.

He looked so small, Dan realized. No matter how tall he actually was, in that moment, he looked tiny.

Dan got up and moved closer to him, sitting down slowly so Phil would be aware of his presence.

“Can I hug you?” Dan asked.

The question seemed to make Phil cry even harder, nodding as he practically fell into Dan’s arms.

“I’m sorry,” he cried, his voice slightly muffled by Dan’s shirt.

“You don’t have any reason to be.”

“I nev- never wanted to stop talking to you,” he gasped out. “He saw our texts a- and he got so mad.”

“It’s okay,” Dan reassured him. “It’s not your fault. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated as Dan leaned back so they’d be resting against the couch. He brought a hand up to Phil’s head, gently running his fingers through it.

“It’s okay,” Dan said. “You’re okay. You’re okay.”

Phil continued to cry for awhile, until his breathing slowly began to even out, his apologies ceased, and he became limp in Dan’s arms.

It took a couple of minutes for Dan to realize Phil had fallen asleep but, when he did, he reached behind him and got a blanket off the back of the couch. He spread it out over Phil, then returned a hand to his head.

Hoping it would keep Phil asleep, he continued running his fingers through Phil’s hair.

Only when Dan was sure Phil was sound asleep, he allowed himself to cry. Thinking about Phil going through so much, knowing there was probably so much more that Dan didn’t know, he couldn’t handle it.

He stayed awake until his body wouldn’t let him anymore, falling asleep with Phil in his arms as the sun began to rise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of the chapter! Thank you for the kind reviews on here and tumblr. They keep me going!
> 
> Tumblr: softgolftechniques


	12. Jelly Beans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No flashbacks in this chapter!

Phil woke up slowly, grabbing the blanket around him and pulling it up closer to his chin.

He felt so comfortable, regardless of the fact he had forgotten to take his contacts out last night.

He slowly blinked his eyes open. They felt puffy, and it took him a few seconds to remember why.

When he did remember, he quickly sat up and looked over at Dan, realizing he had slept on him for God only knows how long.

The movement caused Dan to begin to stir. He stretched out before opening his eyes and sleepily blinking over at Phil.

“G’morning,” he said, bringing a hand up to his neck as he tried to crack it.

“Good morning. Sorry I fell asleep on you,” Phil replied, feeling slightly awkward.

Dan shook his head. “Don’t. I fell asleep too, obviously.” He rubbed at his eyes as he sat up straighter. “What time is it?”

“Um.” Phil looked around for his phone, but only found Dan’s on the coffee table. He pressed the button for the screen to light up. “Almost noon,” he replied.

Dan yawned in response. “Coffee. I need coffee. You want some?” He asked as he stood up.

“Uh, yes, please. I’m gonna go take my contacts out.”

“Okay.”

 

Once Phil had taken his contacts out, and Dan had finished making their coffee, they met back in the lounge. 

“Here you go,” Dan said, handing Phil his coffee as he sat down on the couch.

“Thank you.”

They both sipped quietly for a couple of minutes, neither totally sure how to break the silence in the room.

Eventually, Dan spoke up. “Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Um, yeah.”

“You don’t have to answer,” Dan said, noticing Phil tensing up.

“Okay.”

“You’ve been, um, you’ve been really shaky lately. Like, more than usual. You look exhausted all the time and, sometimes… sometimes I can hear you pacing the floors in the middle of the night. I don’t-” Dan paused, thinking of how to explain. “I didn’t want to be nosey, or whatever, so I haven’t mentioned it, but… Have you not been sleeping because of everything that happened?”

Phil took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he set his cup down on the coffee table. “I… Yeah, I think so. I- My family, when they came, they talked about how exes come back and they hurt or even kill the person they were with. I mean, I know they’re just concerned and that’s why they mentioned it but,” he shook his head, “it terrified me. I’m constantly terrified he’s going to show up. I’m afraid he’ll hurt me, or hurt you. I practically passed out in your arms last night because I haven’t been sleeping hardly at all.”

Dan wished their was some magical button he could press to make everything better. He wished he knew exactly what to say to erase all the pain Phil felt.

“Have you thought about talking to someone?” Dan asked. “Like, a therapist or something?”

“Oh,” Phil said, his gaze turning down toward his lap. “I, um, I don’t-”

“I don’t want you to think you can’t talk to me,” Dan quickly added. “You can always talk to me, Phil. Always. I just, a therapist would be able to help you more than I can.”

Phil bit at his bottom lip. “My mum mentioned it after I moved back home. I said no, but… maybe it would be a good idea?”

“I’ve gone to therapy for years,” Dan replied with a shrug.

Phil looked over at him with a confused expression. “You go to therapy?”

“Don’t look so shocked! If you think I’m a mess now, you should’ve seen me before.”

“I was just wondering when you leave the house?”

“Hey!” Dan exclaimed with a laugh. “I do leave the flat on occasion. Plus, I only go every other week now.”

Phil reached over and picked his cup back up. “I think I’ll look into it,” he decided.

Dan nodded. “Good.”

 

“Nope. No, no, no,” Phil said, walking into the flat as he slammed the door shut behind him.

“Did you go to the appointment?” Dan asked from the couch, closing his laptop and setting it on the coffee table.

“Oh, I went. That was the problem,” Phil replied, walking over to the couch and practically dropping down.

“Weirdo?”

“That doesn’t begin to describe it, Dan,” Phil said, lying on his side and resting his head on Dan’s lap.

In the three weeks since they had talked, he and Dan had become even closer than before. Besides going to therapy appointments, they were practically inseparable. 

Most nights, they’d end up falling asleep on the couch watching some tv show, or movie. They both fell asleep in the middle of playing Mario Kart once as well.

After Phil had told Dan all his worries about Kevin showing up at the house, Dan took new security measures to make them both feel safer.

He made sure the security system in the flat was actually hooked up, and they kept it turned on. Anytime a door or window was open, a little chime could be heard throughout the house.

Sure, it was annoying at first, especially when Dan forgot one night and opened a window, sending Phil into a panic attack. But, eventually, they had gotten used to it.

“I’m tired,” Phil said, closing his eyes as Dan moved a hand to Phil’s head. That was another thing that happened a lot now. 

Apparently, Phil getting his head rubbed was one of the best ways to get him to go to sleep. Especially on his bad days.

“At least you went,” Dan replied, trying to sound optimistic. “That’s a start.”

It had been a difficult few weeks trying to get Phil to actually go to his appointments. He had cancelled one, took a taxi to a second but never got out of the cab, and walked into the building of the third then walked right back out.

“He told me he was in the war and has severe PTSD and I should count myself lucky that I was never drafted.”

“A- Are you serious?” Dan asked, his hand stilling on Phil’s head.

“Yes,” Phil replied, moving his head back and forth until Dan started rubbing it again.

“What a nut job! Why would you say that to a client?”

“I don’t know.” Phil turned so he was lying on his back. “What if it’s not meant for me to go to therapy?” He asked, looking up at Dan.

“Phil, this is the first person you’ve actually talked to. You can’t give up after the first try.”

Phil sighed. “But what if it’s not really as bad as I’m thinking it is? Maybe I’m overreacting.”

“Sit up,” Dan said, tapping Phil’s shoulder until he moved. “Look at me,” he added when Phil looked down and started fiddling with his hands. 

“You’re  _ not  _ overreacting, Phil,” he said once Phil looked at him. “I could not even begin to imagine what you’ve been through. You are so unbelievably strong and brave, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to anyone about it. They can help you feel better, help you be less afraid, help you sleep at night. You want that, don’t you?”

Phil nodded.

“Okay. Then, we’ll go back to the list we made and make an appointment with the next person on it.”

“Alright.”

When Phil remained sitting, Dan gave him a pointed look. “Well?”

“R- Right now?” Phil asked.

“Go get the list, Mister.”

“Ugh!” Phil got up with a groan, heading into his room to get the list and have Dan make the appointment for him.

 

“Dan?” Phil called out as he walked into the lounge.

“Yeah?” Dan asked, looking up from his laptop.

“Would you want to film a video real quick?”

“Sure,” Dan replied, closing his laptop down. “Right now?”

“Mhm.”

“Isn’t your appointment soon?”

“I leave in an hour, but I kind of feel like I’m going to throw up so I’d like the distraction.”

Dan nodded. “Alright. Where at?”

“I’ll have everything ready in my room in five minutes,” Phil said, turning and heading back to his bedroom.

Dan picked up his phone and looked at the time so he’d know when to head into Phil’s room. He leaned back into the couch and sighed, feeling anxious about Phil’s appointment as well. It was his first official appointment with his new therapist. He had gone to one meeting with Dr. Smith, but this would be more than introductions and basic discussion. He wished he could go with Phil, but he knew this was something he needed to do alone.

“You coming?” Phil asked, bringing Dan out of his thoughts.

Dan stood and headed into Phil’s room, where a BeanBoozled jelly bean game was out on the bed.

“Oh God!” Dan exclaimed with a laugh. “I’m actually going to die.”

Phil smiled. “You’ll be fine!”

“Phil, you have to warn me before I put disgusting things in my mouth.”

Phil’s smile faltered a bit. “It’s really fine if you don’t want to,” he reassured Dan.

“No, no,” Dan said, waving him off. “I’m kidding. I’m always willing to put gross things into my mouth.”

Phil gave him a look.

“I know how it sounded, okay?” He said with a smile. “Let’s move on.”

They played the game for nearly an hour, until Phil’s alarm went off on his phone. 

He had been having so much fun that he had completely forgotten about his appointment. It was hard to remember anything when your mouth was filled with the taste of rotten egg and baby wipes.

“I quite like the toothpaste ones,” Dan said as Phil ended the video.

“I’m gonna need the toothpaste ones after that. Dr. Smith is going to think I have the worst breath in the world.”

“I’d have to agree with her,” Dan said, backing slightly away from Phil. “Go brush your teeth, Lester.”

“Hey! It’s not like yours is any better. You ate boogers and dog food.”

“Yeah, but I’m not about to have an intimate conversation with my therapist.”

Phil groaned as he got up and headed to the bathroom, Dan following behind. “I don’t want to go, Dan,” he whined.

“You liked Dr. Smith, remember?”

“I know, but… I’m nervous.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

Phil shook his head as he wet his toothbrush. “No. If I go in because you’re with me, then I’ll need you there every single time I go. I have to do it by myself.”

“You know I wouldn’t mind going every single time, right?”

Phil gave him a smile through the mirror. “I know. You get it though, right?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I do.” He took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m going to let you brush. Hurry it up though. If this dog food taste doesn’t leave my mouth soon I  _ will  _ vomit in your room.”

“Understood.”

 

As Phil headed back up to the flat, he couldn’t help but feel exhausted. He had spoken about a lot of things he didn’t expect to speak about during his session. It seemed once he opened his mouth about ten minutes in, he couldn’t shut it back.

Thankfully, Dr. Smith- or, Heather, as she preferred to be called- was very kind and allowed Phil to say whatever was on his mind.

It all made him feel a bit overwhelmed now though. The whole way home he couldn’t help but feel like he had overexposed his entire world to this woman. Like he had said things he shouldn’t have. He kept replaying the entire discussion in his mind, looking for errors and remembering things he needed to clarify next time.

He unlocked the door, expecting to walk inside, see Dan on the couch, and begin whining to him about how hard therapy felt. But that’s not what happened.

Instead, he opened the door to a lounge filled with balloons and streamers. There was a ‘CONGRATULATIONS’ banner that went across the window, and Dan was standing in front of him with a party hat on his head. 

“First of all, please tell me you actually went to therapy because, if you didn’t, this is going to be really awkward.”

Phil couldn’t help but laugh. “I went.”

“Then yay!” Dan exclaimed, throwing up and opening his hands to let out confetti. “Congratulations on your first official therapy session!”

“Thank you!” Phil replied as the confetti fell between them. 

Dan picked another hat up off of the coffee table and walked over to Phil, placing it on his head. “Here you go.”

“What is all this for?” Phil asked.

“It’s for you going to therapy, Phil. Did I not make that obvious enough?”

“I just… Why?”

“Because that’s a big deal, you silly goose. Now, come with me.” Dan took Phil hand and walked to the kitchen. “I got all your favorites,” he said, letting go of Phil’s hand and walking closer to the counter. “Pizza, burritos, pasta, egg rolls, sushi, and soda, of course. Once we’re done with the food-” he walked over to the fridge and opened it, pulling out a rectangular box. “I got you a cake. It’s a chocolate and vanilla swirl, with that lemon icing we tried a few weeks ago. You liked that, right?”

“I loved it,” Phil replied, feeling overwhelmed, although in a different way from before. He moved closer to Dan and looked at the cake through the box. “‘Happy birthday, Phil’?”

“I told the woman on the phone to write ‘Happy Therapy Day, Phil,’ but she was like ninety years old and didn’t understand me at all, so just go with it.”

Phil nodded. “I can do that.”

“I figured we could watch some TV while we ate, or play video games, or do whatever the fuck you want cause it’s your day.”

“This is… Um, this is very sweet of you, Dan. You didn’t have to do this.” Phil felt near tears. He never, ever expected to come home to this. 

“Oh, please, it was fun. Now, get a plate and let’s eat. I’m starving.”

Phil smiled. “Me too.”

 

They ate, played games, and watched TV until they fell asleep on the couch. They were curled up at each end, heads laying on the armrests, and sharing an oversized blanket.

It was nearly noon when Phil woke up the next day, the sun shining brightly through the window. 

Once he became aware of his surroundings, he looked over at Dan, who was still sound asleep.

Phil sat up and curled his knees up to his chest. He adjusted his glasses, thankful to fall asleep with them on instead of contacts even though they did slightly dig into his nose. 

He knew the first thing Dan would do when he woke up was complain about a crick in his neck, or a catch in his back, and he’d swear that he’d never fall asleep on the couch again. Still, Phil couldn’t help but smile, because even Dan's whining when they first woke up in the morning was comforting. 

He felt lucky today. Like the world was a little brighter somehow. 

For a moment, Phil wondered if he was dreaming. Maybe he was in a coma, and this was his happy place. Getting to live with Dan, talk to him again, have someone in his life that seemed to genuinely care about him.

The thought scared Phil, but he quickly pushed it away. 

This wasn’t a fabrication his mind made up. This was real. Dan was real, and he was here with Phil, and Phil felt like he could trust him with anything. 

It was a relieving feeling; one that helped him breathe a bit easier.

For the first time in a long time, Phil felt like he wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so incredibly blessed to have you guys leaving comments on here and on tumblr about this fic. I know I say it almost every time, but I don't think you really know just how much it means to me. Feedback is so important, and it fuels me to write the best chapters I can. Thank you!!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	13. Homework

Week after week, Phil would go to therapy and come home to Dan. Dan always ordered food, making sure it arrived just before Phil did, and having a TV show or movie ready to go.

Phil needed a little bit of time to decompress after a session. Therapy left Phil with a lot to think about, and it took awhile for those thoughts to make sense.

Once they had watched a couple of shows, or a movie, Phil would turn off the TV, turn to Dan, and tell him everything that was discussed during therapy.

He’d talk about the different calming techniques Heather taught him for when his anxiety got bad. 

He’d retell the stories he told her, and the responses she gave. 

He would talk about medication, how she suggested he take something for his anxiety and sleeping problems. 

He wanted to try and figure everything out without medication. Dan told him how taking medicine wasn’t a bad thing. Some people need medication to help with anxiety and sleeping problems the same way other people needed medication for diabetes or high blood pressure. 

While Phil agreed, he said he’d rather try a few more months without medicine. So, Dan got out a notebook and wrote down all the techniques Heather gave Phil, so they could both go back and look over them anytime they were needed.

“Do you have any homework for this week?” Dan asked, knowing that was Phil’s least favorite part of therapy. 

Phil rolled his eyes and sunk further into the couch.

Dan reached over and poked Phil’s arm. “Come on, Philly, tell me what it is.”

Phil sighed. “I have to write down ten positive things about myself.”

“Oh, that’s not bad!”

Phil stared over at him. “Are you kidding me? It’s very hard.”

“Well, first of all, that’s what she said. Second, it is not. There are lots of positive things about you!”

“I disagree.”

“Well, you better start to agree so you can get an A on your assignment,” Dan said, standing and picking their plates up off of the coffee table.

“They’re not graded, Dan,” Phil said, following behind him into the kitchen. 

They both walked over to the sink, standing side by side.

“If she doesn’t grade it, I will,” Dan said, rinsing off the dishes before handing them to Phil so he could place them in the dishwasher.

“You’re going to grade my therapy assignment?” Phil questioned.

“Yes, I will.”

“Well, then I should get to grade yours. What did Dr. Long tell you to do over the next two weeks?”

“I’m such a good student that I don’t get homework anymore,” Dan replied, handing over the last dish.

“You’re lying,” Phil said as Dan headed out of the kitchen.

“Am not!” Dan called back. “Getting a shower now! Start your homework!”

Phil sighed, closing up the dishwasher and heading back out to the lounge. 

He thought about how closed off Dan was with his therapy, compared to Phil. He always wanted to listen to what Phil had to say, but he would never discuss his own sessions.

Phil didn’t pry too much, at least he tried not to, but he would like to be able to help Dan the same way Dan helped him. 

The most Phil had gotten out of him was that his therapist was Dr. Long and he liked to sip on tea during their sessions together.

Phil shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. It was none of his business anyway. If Dan didn’t want to share, he didn’t have to.

Phil picked up the notebook that had his calming techniques written down and flipped the page.

He grabbed a pen and wrote out  _ positive _ on top of the page.

He numbered down one through ten, then brought the pen back up to the one. 

He sat there staring at the paper for God knows how long, the ink at the tip of the pen slowly leaking onto the page as he pressed down on the first line. 

He listened as Dan ran the shower, listened as it turned off, listened as Dan headed to his room, listened until Dan walked back out of his room.

When he knew Dan was coming back into the lounge, Phil quickly shut the notebook and put it away.

He could save that for another day. Until then, he’d just have to distract Dan with some Mario Kart.

 

It was a week filled with filming and editing a video for himself, and helping Dan film and edit a video, and completely avoiding the notebook that had been sat underneath the coffee table for an entire week.

He was due to leave for his next session with Heather in a little under an hour, and Dan was away at the store, so he sat down on the couch, took a deep breath, and pulled out the notebook. 

With Dan not here to look over his work, he could write down ten random things that he made up off the top of his head and pretend they related to him in some way.

Phil grabbed up a pen and opened the notebook.

He froze when he saw writing on the page. Writing that most definitely was  _ not  _ his own. 

His numbers had been scribbled out to make more room, and list of twenty positive things were written on the front and back of the page.

 

_ First of all, you definitely got an F on your homework, Phil. But, since I’m fair, I figure I’ll help you out a bit. _

  1. _Excellent cook. You make the best fucking food I’ve ever had. You’re the only reason my arteries aren’t clogged yet. Actually, you may have unclogged a few._
  2. _Good taste it television. You like the best movies, shows, and animes. Or, at least, you like all the ones I like and that means you have good taste._
  3. _Good taste in food. When I sneak and order out before you can cook, you’re always willing to try anything. We wouldn’t have a rating system for every restaurant that delivers within eight miles of the flat if it weren’t for you. You’re a genius, Lester._
  4. _Funny. You don’t have to try and be funny, you just are. You tell the dumbest jokes, but they’re not annoying dumb, they’re funny dumb. You can make me laugh without saying a single word (You know that look you give me on the underground? It fucking kills me), and we have some of the weirdest inside jokes that no one would ever understand._
  5. _Humble. You’ve got a job where you’re in the public eye and you could be a total douche but you’re not._
  6. _Respectful. You’re always respectful to people, even if they don’t deserve it._
  7. _Caring/compassionate. I’m pretty sure these are the same thing, but it’s like two o’clock in the morning and I’ll be fucked if I’m gonna look it up right now. You care about the people in your life. That day your mum called, upset because a bird that regularly visited her house ran into the window and died, you talked to her on the phone for like half an hour about that bird. Then, you got online and bought her a necklace with a bird on it to make her feel better. Not everyone would do that. No one else I know would do that._
  8. _Emotional. Do you know how fucking amazing it is that we can sit and cry over the same movies?_
  9. _Honest. You’re honest, even when it hurts. Remember those brownies I made last week? The ones you said tasted like dirty feet? Yeah, I still think about that._
  10. _Polite. The fact you’re able to sit and have conversations with random people and it doesn’t make you want to stab yourself in the ear is equal to being polite to me. You made the angry man with the shoe like you and I don’t get it??_
  11. _Loving. You love your family. You watch shows that your mum likes, you joined a jam-of-the-month club thing with your dad, and you and your brother talk almost everyday. Sometimes you just send each other random gifs, but it’s obvious that you love them and you make me want to treat my family better._
  12. _Clean. I don’t mean you keep the flat clean, which you do, but you’re hygiene is, as you’d say, ace. Thanks for taking showers, Mate!_
  13. _Easygoing. Thank fuck you don’t feel the need to do shit with people all the time. You also help me relax. Sometimes I start to get like a hamster on a wheel and you being calm and relaxed helps me to do the same._
  14. _Generous. You donate to charities all the time, and I know you’d drop everything you were doing if I, or your family, needed you. If your brother called you in the middle of the night and needed you, for some reason, to fly to Australia and buy him a kangaroo, you’d figure out a way to get it done._
  15. _Passionate. You care so damn much about the things you care about. Does that make sense? It’s late, you get me. You put your all into everything you do. Even if it’s a video about jelly beans, you make it better than any other video about jelly beans. You’re passionate about YouTube, and filming and editing, and that’s obvious in your finished product._
  16. _Introverted. I know you probably think this is a weird one to add in, but I think the world could always use more introverts. It’s nice to be able to share a flat with someone who is also refueled by being alone. Weirdly, you’re the only person who doesn’t completely drain me, so that’s another positive thing you do!_
  17. _Loyal. You might think this is a negative thing, because of your past, but it’s not. Your loyalty was taken advantage of, but it’s still a good trait to have. Don’t lose it, please!_
  18. _Courageous. The stories I’ve heard, the things you’ve told me. God, Phil, I look up to you so much. You have more courage in your thumb than I have in my entire body. You’ve been through things that some people could never imagine going through. I know you don’t think you’re brave, but you are. You’re the bravest person I know and I won’t let you forget that._
  19. _Optimistic. I don’t know how you do it. You’re such a positive person. You try and think of the good things in life, and you make sure your videos put a smile on peoples faces. Maybe I’m just overly-pessimistic, but you’re light shines as bright as the sun, Phil Lester. Sometimes it’s fucking blinding, but I hope it never fades._
  20. _You’re the best friend a person could have. It’s two thirty in the morning now and I’m fucking tearing up as I write this because you’re my best friend and I never had a best friend before but now I do and it was worth waiting for because you’re amazing and I think this is now a run on sentence. I’m being sappy as fuck, aren’t I? I don’t even give a shit though cause you deserve it._



_ I told you ten positive things would be easy. I did twenty in less than an hour. This is the last time I do your homework for you, Lester.  _

 

“Phil? Phil, are you with me?”

Phil looked up from his lap, giving a quick glance to Heather before staring out the window behind her. “Why would he write all that stuff?” 

“He seems to think you’re a pretty great guy. Do you disagree?”

Phil sighed. “I mean, I don’t… I don’t think I’m a _bad_ person, but I’m not what he said I am.”

“He was pretty detailed.”

“I know, I just-” He sighed again, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. “It’s not like my family never complimented me or anything. They always have, but it’s different for some reason. I’ve never been good at taking a compliment, but it’s like I  _ can’t _ take one when it’s from someone who isn’t in my family. I can’t make myself believe that what they say is true.”

“When did that start?”

“I don’t know.” He bit at his bottom lip. “I mean, Kevin would… he would compliment me sometimes, about things, and then he’d make fun of me for it the next day, or in the next breath. He didn’t like when random people gave me compliments. If we were out in public, he’d hold onto me tighter.” Phil looked down at his wrist. It was like he could feel the pain from Kevin squeezing him so hard. “It can’t be all his fault though,” he said, looking back up at Heather. “I can’t blame him for everything.”

Heather looked down at the list Dan had written. “Number six,” she said.

“What?” Phil asked, confused.

“Number six says, ‘You’re always respectful to people, even if they don’t deserve it.’ I’d say, even if none of the others are, that one is true.”

Phil nervously lifted his hand up to his hair, fixing his fringe. “So, it's all his fault?”

“Well it most certainly isn’t yours, Phil. He manipulated you for years. He made you feel like  _ he  _ was the only one who could tell you when and how you were worthy. He made you focus on faults that  _he_ made up, and feel like a lesser human being so you would stay with him.”

“But I’m not with him anymore,” Phil replied, adjusting in his seat to sit up straighter. “I shouldn’t still be like this.”

“It was  _ eight years,  _ Phil. It’ll take more than a few months for the automatic responses you have now to go away.”

“I just want all of it to go away. All the memories, the fear, the pain. I wish it would disappear and I could just be normal.”

Heather nodded. “I know. Unfortunately, that’s not something I can do. However, over time, the memories, fear, and pain will be much easier to manage.” 

An alarm set to the sound of birds chirping alerted them both that time was up for the week.

“I’ll, um, I’ll see you next week,” Phil said, beginning to get up out of his chair.

“Wait, wait, wait,” she replied, stopping him. “You can’t leave without your homework.”

He groaned, dropping down in his chair. 

“Oh, come on, Phil. This is the best part!”

“For who?” He replied.

“First of all, loving the sass I’m getting right now. You should bring that out more often. Second, it’s the best part for me. Now,” she handed him back his notebook, “I want you to read the things your flatmate wrote down. Read them every day, twice a day if you need to. You don’t have to believe they’re true, but I want you to read them until you realize that  _ Dan  _ believes they’re true. He’s not going to backtrack on the complement, or make fun of you. Read them until you get that.”

“What if I don’t feel that way by next week?” Phil asked.

Heather shrugged. “I’ll give you an extension. Do we have a deal?”

Even though he doubted it would ever work, Phil nodded. “Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you follow me on tumblr, you know that this chapter is not what it was supposed to be lol! I went away from my outline and wrote this, adding two extra chapters into the overall story. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Thank you for the comments :)
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	14. As Long as You Need

_ “What the fuck was that?” Kevin asked with a laugh. He and Phil were on their way home from visiting Kevin’s parents for the weekend. _

_ “What?” Phil replied. _

_ “You were so ridiculously positive with everything. It was like you were living in a dream world or something.” _

_ Phil looked over at him, confused. “I don’t know what you mean.” _

_ Kevin rolled his eyes, gripping the steering wheel a bit tighter. “Course you don’t. You’re up in Phil-land, where everything is unicorns and rainbows.” _

_ “You told your parents you liked that I was a positive person.” _

_ “I also told my parents I still had a job.” _

_ Phil settled back into his seat. “You’ll get another one soon. You just had that interview. I’m sure it went well.” _

_ “See! There it is again!” Kevin exclaimed, waving a hand toward Phil. “You don’t know if it went well, Phil! I haven’t told you a fucking thing about it.” _

_ “You’ve worked in a factory before, Kevin. You know the machines and everything. There’s no way they wouldn’t hire you.” _

_ Kevin let out a deep, agitated breath. “I didn’t go to the fucking interview, Phil.” _

_ “What?” Phil asked, surprised. “Why?” _

_ “Because I’ve been rejected so many times, I didn’t see the point. They’d ask me why I left my last job, and I’d have to tell them I was fucking fired. They wouldn’t have hired me after that.” _

_ “Well, why didn’t you tell me? You were gone all afternoon.” _

_ Kevin laughed humorlessly. “I can’t tell you shitty stuff, Phil, cause you always come back with some positivity crap that would make Gandhi wanna kill himself.” _

_ Phil bit at his bottom lip, turning his head to look out the window. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I didn’t know I made you feel like that.” _

_ They sat in silence for a little while, before Kevin reached over and took Phil’s hand in his. “It’s fine,” he said, his voice gentle. “Nothing you can’t work on.” _

 

Phil wasn’t sure how to bring it up, so he didn’t. 

What would he even say?

It would be too awkward, so he decided to not mention it.

He did his homework every night, reading over the list, still not believing the words written on the paper. 

There was no way to talk about it with Dan. No way he’d be able to get through that conversation. No way he’d be able to handle Dan’s reassurances that the list wasn’t a lie. 

He knew Dan had to know that he knew about the list. The notebook had been moved around, and Dan knew he would’ve at least tried to do his homework.

So, that knowledge just lingered between them. Neither brought it up, they simply continued on with their regular day to day lives.

As Phil sat in bed, leaning against the headboard with his knees bent so the notebook could rest on his legs, he read the list for the fifth night in a row.

And for the fifth night in a row, when he finished reading number twenty, he closed the book and set it on the empty side of the bed.

He stared straight ahead, not really focusing on anything, and wondered if all of this was worth it.

Reading that list made his heart race. It made him clammy and nervous and anxious. Some nights, he’d have to go through Heather’s stress relieving techniques to get his breathing to regulate again.

He didn’t know why it bothered him so much. It was something he still couldn’t understand. 

He had no reason to distrust Dan. Dan had never done anything to him. He should be able to read those words and believe them.

But, he couldn’t.

He couldn’t because he believed Kevin so many times too. He would believe Kevin with compliments, he’d believe Kevin with insults, he’d believe Kevin with anything.

Phil wondered when was the last time he had a thought of his own?

He wondered who he even was.

What did he like to do?

What did he think about himself?

What really were his bad traits?

What really were his good traits?

He had spent so long following Kevin’s orders, doing whatever Kevin liked, pretending he liked it too. He hadn’t made decisions in so long. He hadn’t even realized until lately that almost everything had been decided for him. Sometimes, Kevin would word things in a way that made Phil  _ think  _ he had come to a conclusion on his own, but he really hadn’t.

But now Kevin was gone, out of his life, leaving Phil to pick up whatever remained.

If anything even did.

Phil thought that, if this is what therapy is, forcing him to stay awake all night and question his entire existence, how would he ever get better? How was this a good thing?

Unfortunately, these were all questions he couldn’t answer.

 

After getting a few hours of sleep, Phil got up the next morning, used the toilet, and then headed out to the lounge.

He sat in there, quietly sipping on coffee as he waited for Dan to get up so they could have breakfast and watch TV.

He scrolled through his phone to pass the time, only stopping once his coffee was gone and he had completed ten new levels of Candy Crush.

Dan was the one who introduced him to the game when Phil found the app on Dan’s iPad. Dan had long abandoned it, but Phil spent the next three hours playing before he decided to download it onto his phone.

It was almost noon and Dan never slept this late when he went to bed before two. Phil knew for a fact that Dan went to bed at midnight last night, leaving his laptop and phone in the lounge.

Phil bit at his thumbnail, unsure if he should check on Dan or not.

He glanced at the time again, and decided to wait until noon.

 

Ten minutes later his phone read 12:01, so Phil got up, took a deep breath, and headed to Dan’s room.

He listened at the door for a moment, waiting to see if he heard any movement.

When he didn’t, he gently tapped on the door.

“Dan?” He called out. When he got no response, he tapped again. “Dan?”

A few seconds later he barely heard Dan mumble, “Come in.”

Phil slowly opened the door, stepping into the nearly pitch black room. The curtains were drawn, and none of the lights were on. Even the small nightlight Dan liked to keep on was unplugged.

“Dan, are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

Once Phil’s eyes adjusted to the dark, he moved closer to the bed. Dan was practically buried under the covers, with his head sticking out just enough for him to breathe.

“You’re not ill? I can get you some medicine or soup or something?”

Dan grimaced slightly. “No. No soup. I’m fine, really.”

“Okay… Um, d- do you want some water? Or do you need some help to the toilet?”

Dan shook his head. “I went before you got up. No water.”

Phil had no idea what to do, so he decided to go about it the way his mum always did. He reached out his hand, placing it onto Dan’s forehead.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked.

“Checking for a fever.”

Dan sighed. He pulled an arm out from under the covers, taking hold of Phil’s hand and moving it away from his head. “I don’t have a fever, Phil. I would just like to rest, please.”

Phil clenched his hands at his sides. He was nervous- terrified, really- because he had never seen Dan like this before.

Dan was a bright flash of lightning in the night sky, that’s how Phil always pictured him.

“Alright,” he said, not wanting to bother Dan too much. “I’ll be right out in the lounge if you need anything. Do you want your phone?”

Dan shook his head, then turned over to face the other direction. “Shut the door on your way out, please.”

 

Phil spent the next few hours playing video games and scrolling through various websites on his laptop. Everytime he’d hear a noise, he’d stop what he was doing and wait to see if it was Dan coming out to join him.

It never was.

Hour after hour passed, and suddenly it was nearing six o’clock. 

Dan hadn’t been out of his room for at least seven hours now. 

Phil was just about to get up and go check on him when his phone began to vibrate.

He looked at the caller ID, saw it was his mum, and answered.

“Hello, Mum,” he said, trying to sound chipper.

“Hi, Dear. How are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you?”

“I’m actually fine, but you’re not. What’s the matter?”

Phil sighed. “I’m really fine, Mum.”

“Philip Michael, when you are really fine, you go straight into the details of your day. What’s the matter?”

“I- I just… Something’s wrong with Dan,” he said, lowering his voice so Dan wouldn’t be able to hear.

“What do you mean, Phil? Is he hurt?”

“No, no. I mean, I don’t think so? I don’t really know.”

“I’m going to need more information, Dear.”

Phil looked back toward Dan’s room, wondering if he should discuss this with his mum at all. He didn’t even know what  _ this  _ was though, and he was desperate for some help.

“He’s not come out of his room all day. I checked on him earlier, thinking he had a fever, but he didn’t. He acts like this is normal, but I’ve never seen it before.”

“Hmm. Did you two have an argument?”

“No, nothing. He doesn’t act upset. He… He really doesn’t act any way at all? I don’t know, it’s strange. It’s like…” His voice trailed off as he tried to think of how to describe it.

“Like what?”

“Like he’s a shell of himself or something. I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“I’m not exactly sure what it could be, Honey,” Kathryn replied. “If he acts as though it’s normal, then you might not need to worry too much.”

“But it’s not normal to me, Mum.”

“Phil, has anyone ever told you you’re a sweetheart?”

_ “Mum,”  _ Phil whined.

“Well, you are!”

Phil sighed. “Is there anything I can do?”

Kathryn was quiet for a moment. “You said he hasn’t left his room all day?”

“Yeah.”

“Why not fix him something to eat and drink? Nothing heavy. Some toast and water or tea, just in case he _is_ ill.”

Phil felt so stupid. He should have thought of that sooner. “Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll do that now. Thank you, Mum!”

He hung up the phone before she got the chance to say anything else, forgetting that she was the one who called him, and headed into the kitchen to fix Dan some food.

 

Ten minutes later, Phil was going to Dan’s room with a plate of toast and a glass of water.

He gently knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Dan said quietly.

Phil opened the door and walked into the room. He sat the water and toast down on Dan’s nightstand, then stood beside the bed. “I fixed you something to eat and drink.”

“Not really hungry,” Dan replied, eyes closed.

“You need to eat, Dan, you haven’t had a thing all day.”

“Phil, I’m really tired.”

Phil took a deep breath. “Are you sure you’re not getting ill, Dan? I can get you some medicine if you are.”

“It’s nothing like that, Phil. This is what therapy is for. I’ll be fine.”

Dan’s monotone voice did nothing to ease Phil’s worries.

“Could you try and eat something, please? For me? It’s just one piece of toast.”

Dan slowly opened his eyes, looking over at the plate. He stared at it for a bit before responding. “Fine.”

Phil smiled at that, picking the plate up while Dan scooted into a sitting position. 

Once he was situated, Phil handed him the plate, then walked over to the other side of Dan’s bed and sat down.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked for the second time that day.

“Sitting with you until you’re done.”

“Phil-”

“No, Dan, I’m not leaving until you’re finished. I want to know you really ate it.”

“What else would I do with it, Phil?”

Phil shrugged. “I don’t know. Shove it under your bed or something.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I’m not ten and this isn’t a sweet I’m not supposed to have.”

“Dan, you’re stalling,” Phil said, glancing over at him. “Eat.”

 

Once Dan ate the toast, Phil made him drink the entire glass of water. Dan mumbled something about him being worse than a mother, but Phil ignored it.

After that, he made Dan get up and go to the bathroom.

_ “You can’t hold your pee forever and I know you go at least five times a day.” _

_ “That’s disgusting, Phil. You shouldn’t know that.” _

_ “Why wouldn’t I know your pee schedule? You always announce when you need to go.” _

_ “This is something I didn’t need to know about myself. If I go, will you leave me alone?” _

_ “Mhm.” _

When Dan was done in the bathroom, he went back to his room and shut the door, leaving Phil alone in the lounge once again.

 

It was nearly ten when Phil went into his room to get his phone charger. 

He stopped when he saw the notebook sitting on his bed, waiting for its daily read.

His shoulders drooped and he let out a sigh, but he sat down on his bed and grabbed the notebook anyway.

As he read through the list, a thought ran through his mind.

He could do the same thing for Dan.

Whatever was bothering him, maybe this was the way Phil could help.

He grabbed a pen out of his nightstand and turned to a blank page.

_ I’m not as good with words as you are, so this will probably be really lame, but I wanted to do something. _

  1. _Not a picky eater. I can make any dinner imaginable and you’ll eat it._
  2. _Relaxed. It’s nice to be around someone who doesn’t need to be entertained all the time. I like the hours we spend on the couch, silently scrolling through tumblr._
  3. _Good listener. God knows how many stories of mine you’ve had to sit and listen to. You never interrupt, and you always ask questions instead of changing the subject._
  4. _Good advice. I know you don’t think you give good advice, but you do._
  5. _Calming. There are a lot of times I feel like I can’t breathe, and you remind me how to do that._
  6. _Family-oriented. This is also something you don’t think you are, but you are. You seemed to actually enjoy my family being around, and they love you so much and ask about you every time they call._
  7. _Best laugh. It’s so LOUD! But I like that it’s loud cause it makes up for my quiet laugh._
  8. _Shares. You don’t ever care for me to use your stuff. Not just household items that you bought, but your laptop, phone, or iPad. I’m sure I could have used your laptop all day and you never would have cared._
  9. _Supporter. You threw a party after my first therapy session._
  10. _Good hair. Do not roll your eyes right now! The curls are amazing and you know it!_
  11. _Dependable. If you say you’re going to do something, I know I can trust that you will do it._
  12. _Observant. I’m pretty sure you knew something was wrong with me before I was ever willing to admit it. Maybe back when you had me come to your hotel room for food and shows. Possibly years ago, the first time we met._
  13. _Intelligent. You don’t give yourself enough credit for how smart you are. You cut yourself down for dropping out of college, but there are plenty of college graduates who lack intelligence. You’re always wanting to learn more and grow as a person._
  14. _Encouraging. I never would’ve started therapy without you. I really don’t know where I’d be without you._
  15. _Helpful. You always help clean, and you try to help cook. You helped make sure the house was neat when my family visited, which is not something everyone would do._
  16. _Trustworthy. This may be the same as dependable, but you doubled up on some of mine so I can do the same thing._
  17. _Selfless. You really, really care about other people. You want to make sure people are happy, and you often think about them before you take time to think about yourself._
  18. _Hardworking. You put your all into the videos you make. You write scripts, and figure out the best ways to tell a story. You work to make sure the editing is perfect, and that your message comes across just how it should. You always put out your best work, and that shows._
  19. _Good memory. I know this one may seem weird, but I always think about how you remembered I liked soda nearly three years after the fact._
  20. _The actual best friend a person could have. I know this list isn’t as well written as yours, but I think you should know that I appreciate you being my best friend. I’ve never had a best friend either. At least, not one I knew I would be around for the rest of my life._



_ I hope you feel better soon, Dan, and know that I’ll try and help you anyway I can. _

When Phil was finished, he headed to Dan’s door. He knocked, but didn’t get a response this time.

He slowly opened the door and tiptoed over to Dan’s bed. When he saw that Dan was asleep, he placed the paper on the empty side of his bed and left.

 

Phil spent the next half hour watching the Food Network, until he heard Dan’s door creak open and the unmistakable sound of him walking toward the lounge.

Phil paused the show, looking over to see Dan wrapped up in a blanket, the list in his hand.

“Do you mean it?” Dan asked, standing at the end of the couch.

“I wouldn’t lie to you,” Phil replied, the words hitting him like a punch to the gut. He and Dan were best friends and, if Phil wouldn’t lie to Dan in the list, Dan wouldn’t lie to Phil either. He should’ve realized that the first time he read it.

Dan nodded. He walked to the couch and laid down, resting his head on Phil’s lap.

“I’ll be better tomorrow, hopefully,” he said as Phil began running his fingers through Dan’s hair. It always made Phil feel better when Dan did it, so he hoped it would help Dan the same way.

“I’ll be here,” Phil replied softly, picking up the remote and starting the show back for them to watch together. “Take as long as you need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it! I hope you have a great day!
> 
> Thanks for the lovely comments on here and tumblr. It's always nice to read :)
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	15. Sugar Cookies

Depression. That’s what Dan explained to Phil two days later. 

Phil felt slightly ridiculous for not thinking of it sooner. It never even crossed his mind.

It made sense though, and he was glad to know more about it now. 

Dan told him how he’d been going to therapy for a few years, but still didn’t feel comfortable speaking about it openly. It had been so long since his last episode that he thought it might not come back.

After this though, he realized his therapist was right. It would never really go away, but the spells of depression would come less than before, and they wouldn’t last as long. 

He took medication for it too. He had tried going off of it last year, but he had to start back. He hopes to be off of them completely in the next couple of years.

Phil asked plenty of questions, and Dan answered every single one. It made Phil feel better to know how to react the next time Dan’s depression acted up. 

Dan told him he shouldn’t have to worry about that, but Phil was quick to quiet him.

“You’re always there for me,” Phil said to him, “so I get to be there for you too.”

 

“What are you doing?” Phil asked as Dan dragged a large container into the living room.

“It’s December, Phil. December 5th, to be exact.”

“Yes, I know the date, Dan.”

Dan groaned as he pulled the container one final time before dropping it down. “It’s time to decorate for Christmas.”

Phil put his laptop on the couch and stared at the container. “You have that many decorations?”

“Oh, this is just one box. I have two more that I still have to get out.”

“You’re joking.”

Dan put his hands on his hips. “You don’t joke about Christmas, Phil. Now come help me get the tree out of our storage.”

 

A few minutes later, all of the Christmas decorations were in the lounge, ready to be put up for the holidays. 

“I didn’t know you enjoyed Christmas this much,” Phil said as he put the Christmas tree stand in place.

“Are you kidding? I’m waiting for the day someone shoves a Christmas tree directly up my ass.”

Phil paused, staring over at Dan. “I don’t think I’m the person for that.”

Dan shook his head. “Shame. Help me separate the branches. I have A, B, and C on the couch, and then D, E, F, and G are all around the floor. You’ll see the colors.”

“You know,” Phil said as he picked up a few of the branches, “they have trees now where you just attach three pieces together and it’s done. You don’t have to do all the branches anymore.”

“Philip Lester, I’ve had this tree for four years and I will continue to have this tree until the entire thing falls apart.”

Phil held his hands up. “Just saying.”

“There’s no point in wasting money on a new tree when this one works just fine,” Dan said.

Phil, with a branch in each hand, placed his hands on his hips and stared at Dan.

“What?” Dan asked.

“Aren’t you the one who just bought a jumper for like a hundred pounds?”

“Uh… yeah, a hundred pounds. That’s how much it was,” he replied, scratching his head and avoiding eye contact.

“Oh my God, Dan! You paid more than that for that thing?”

_ “ That thing?!”  _ Dan questioned, his eyes going wide. “You said you liked it!” 

“I did?”

Dan nodded. “Yes, you did.”

“Well, what was I supposed to say?” Phil asked, waving his arms around. “‘It looks like you’re going parachuting in a potato sack, Dan.’ That would’ve been rude.”

Dan tried to glare at Phil, but he couldn’t help but laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Phil asked.

“You’re waving the branches around and it looks like they’re part of your arms, but you’re being serious at the same time and it’s hard to take you seriously like that,” Dan replied, laughing harder now.

Phil looked down at his hands, noticing the branches. He rolled his eyes, tossing them on the ground as he laughed as well. “I forgot I was holding them.”

Dan sat down between some branches on the couch, taking a few seconds to catch his breath. “You really hate the jumper?” Dan asked.

“I don’t  _ hate  _ it,” Phil replied. “I just don’t think it’s worth that much money. How much was it, by the way?”

“I thought we decided it was a hundred pounds?”

_ “Dan.” _

Dan coughed, mumbling something under his breath.

“What was that?” Phil asked.

“It might’ve been somewhere… north of two hundred pounds.”

“Dan!”

Dan jumped back up, clapping his hands together. “Let’s put up the tree, shall we?!”

 

“Dan, it’s blinding,” Phil said, looking away from the tree.

“It’s a rave tree!” Dan exclaimed, voguing to the beat of the flashing lights.

“We’re ending the rave early,” Phil replied, pressing a button to still the lights.

“You’re no fun,” Dan whined.

“I’m plenty of fun. I just like to be able to see the fun I’m having,” Phil said, taking a tinsel garland and walking over to Dan, wrapping it around his shoulders.

“This would’ve been beautiful for the rave,” Dan said, wrapping it around him like a scarf.

“It’ll be beautiful for pizza and video games when we’re done decorating,” Phil replied, heading back over to the nearly empty box of decorations. 

“You didn’t tell me pizza was coming after this,” Dan said, looking over at Phil like he had just seen an angel.

“We have no food in this house,” Phil replied. “Did you think we were just going to starve to death?”

“I didn’t tell you I was craving pizza. How’d you know? Are you a mind reader, Phil?”

“You’re always craving pizza, Dan,” Phil said, gently tugging on Dan’s tinsel scarf as he moved past him to put a Santa Claus statue on the mantle. 

Dan smiled, looking around the lounge at all the decorations they had put up. He hated to be cheesy, but he had a feeling this might be the best Christmas ever.

 

“I can’t believe we needed that much sugar,” Dan said, helping roll out dough onto the counter.

“I can’t believe you didn’t realize sugar was a main ingredient in sugar cookies,” Phil replied with a smile.

Dan nudged him with his shoulder. “Hey, I’m learning!” He whined.

“That’s true. Are you done rolling it out yet?”

“I don’t know. Does it appear to be thin enough?”

Phil looked at the dough and nodded. “Yeah, it looks good. Grab the cookie cutters, please,” he said, pointing over to where they sat in a bag beside Dan.

Dan picked up the bag and placed it between them on the counter. He grabbed one out and went to press it down into the dough when Phil placed his hand over Dan’s, stopping him.

“What?” Dan asked.

”Dip it in flour first or it’s going to stick.”

“How’d you learn so much about cooking?” Dan asked as he did what Phil told him. “Did your mum teach you?”

Phil shook his head. “It was after I started dating Kevin,” he replied. “He hated eating out, and hated cooking, so I watched a lot of videos and read a lot of cookbooks.”

“Oh,” Dan said, cutting a reindeer shape from the dough and placing it on their baking tray. “Do you really like cooking, or…?” His voice trailed off. He knew Phil would understand what he meant.

“Yeah, I enjoyed it. It turned into a pretty good escape, actually. It was one of the only times he wouldn’t hover over me.”

Dan picked up a star cutter and dipped it in the flour. “Is it wrong that I call him different ‘dick’ names in my head?”

Phil smiled. “Like what?”

“I mean, sometimes it’s the basics, like Dickweed, or Dickhead, but then other times I come up with Dickfucker, or Dickshit. It’s never Kevin, just different Dick’s.”

“Oh my God,” Phil said with a laugh. “I think I prefer that actually. Dirtydick is a good one too,” he added. “God only knows where all that thing had been.”

Dan snorted. “That’s a good one. I’ll have to start coming to you when I can’t think of a new one.”

“I’m sure I’ve got hundreds of names filed away in the back of my brain. Your star looks great, by the way,” Phil said, pointing at Dan’s cookie.

“Thank you. Mum’s gonna be shocked when she found out I helped make these.”

_ “I’m _ shocked you helped make these,” Phil teased.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Your lack of faith in me is disheartening.”

“You know I’m kidding. I would’ve gently kicked you out of the kitchen a long time ago if I didn’t think you could do it.”

“Thank you so much,” Dan said sarcastically.

“You’re welcome.”

“We’re still doing Christmas when we get back, right?” Dan asked, placing a couple more cookies on the sheet.

“Of course. The 28th, right?”

“Yeah.”

Phil smiled. “I’ll be here.”

 

They parted ways on December 23rd, and Phil arrived home to a huge hug from his mum that he wasn’t sure would end.

Once his mum was done, his dad hugged him as well, and then his brother, and then Cornelia.

Home was warm, and comforting, and he forgot just how much he missed his family until he was back with them again.

Being closer to Kevin was scary, and something Phil tried not to think about too much, but he knew he’d be spending most of his time in the house so he didn’t let himself worry.

“How’s life treating ya, Phil?” Kathryn asked once Phil had put his things away and joined her in the kitchen.

“It’s been good, Mum.” He set a metal container on the counter. “These are from Dan. He- Well,  _ we  _ made cookies, but they’re from him.”

“Oh, how kind,” she said with a smile, opening the container and looking them over. “I’ll take a break from my cooking and have one with tea. Would you like a cup?”

“Yes, please.”

She made them each a cup of tea, and placed a few cookies on a plate.

“We’ll let the others know about them once we’re done,” she said with a smile, setting it all down at the table for them to share.

Phil smiled, picking up one of the stars and breaking it before dipping it in his tea. “How’ve you been, Mum?”

“I’ve been good, Dear. Tell me more about you.”

“We always talk about me.”

“Well, that’s my favorite subject. I’m your mum, I need details of your lavish life in London.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “It’s hardly lavish, Mum, but it’s nice.” He took a bite of a cookie, memories of him and Dan making them running through his head. He smiled slightly. “It’s been a lot better actually.”

“That’s always lovely to hear.”

“I’m still going to therapy, once a week. I’ll miss this week, but I’ll start right back when I get home.”

“That’s wonderful, Phil. I’m so glad.”

“Heather’s very kind,” Phil continued. “She’s helped me a lot. Dan too. It’s nice to have someone around who’s always willing to listen.”

“How is Daniel doing? I still think about that phone call we had about him all those weeks ago. Was he ill?”

Phil shook his head. “No, it’s… it’s actually kind of personal, but he’s fine.”

“He seems to be a wonderful friend to you. I see him in your videos a lot, and I’ve watched his videos as well.”

“You have?” Phil asked. He knew his family watched his videos, but he didn’t know they watched Dan’s too.

“Well, of course. You two work very well together.”

“Yeah, we have fun.”

Kathryn smiled. She reached over and patted Phil’s cheek. “My sweet boy,” she said. “You’re looking so much better. Your skin has more color, your smile is real again. You truly look happy. I love you, Phil.”

“Love you too, Mum.”

 

On Christmas Eve, after a long day of talking to family and answering a bunch of invasive questions, Phil headed to his room to spend some time alone.

Alone didn’t last very long, however, as about ten minutes later, Martyn knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Phil said, placing his phone down on the bed beside him.

Martyn walked in, plopping down on the empty side of the bed. “That was a long day,” he said.

“Tell me about it.”

“Did Aunt Willow find you?”

“Oh my God, don’t remind me about Aunt Willow.”

“Who even is she?” Martyn asked.

“No one would give me a clear answer on that.”

“Me either. She smelled like mothballs.”

“I’d  _ rather  _ smell mothballs.”

Martyn sighed. “Well, enough about Aunt Mothy. We haven’t had much of a chance to catch up. How’ve you been?”

Phil groaned. “Martyn, I’ve answered that question about a hundred times today.”

Martyn laughed. “Well, now you’ll finally get to tell the truth.” He poked Phil’s leg with his toe. “Spill, Phil.”

Phil took a deep breath. “I’ve been better, really. Sleeping is still hard sometimes, but not like it was before. I have nightmares, but Dan makes me wake him up when they happen. We talk and… and usually it gets better after that.”

“That’s good. You eating better too?”

Phil nodded, rolling his eyes. “Yes, Mum, I’m eating better.”

“Hey, I’m allowed to worry too.”

“I know, I know.”

“What’s this?” Martyn asked, spotting Phil’s notebook next to his phone on the bed. It was already opened, and Phil’s heart jumped slightly as Martyn leaned forward to look at what was written.

“Nosey much?” Phil asked.

“That’s not your handwriting,” Martyn said, ignoring Phil’s question. “Wait.” He pulled the notebook closer to him, reading over what was written. “Is this about you?”

“Y- Yeah,” he said, becoming slightly nervous. He wasn’t sure why. He knew Martyn would never make fun of him for something like this.

“Did Dan write this?”

“Yeah. He, um, I was supposed to write down ten positive things about myself for therapy, but I couldn’t do it, so he did it for me.”

“There’s twenty things here,” Martyn said, flipping the page.

“Yes, I know.”

Martyn became quiet, reading over everything again. 

“Wow,” he said when he was finished. “He seems very fond of you.”

“He’s a good friend,” Phil replied.

Martyn looked up at him, raising an eyebrow slightly. “Are you sure he’s just a friend, Phil?”

Phil sighed, pulling the notebook away from Martyn and closing it. “Yes, he’s just a friend, Martyn.”

“Hey, I’m just asking. None of my _pals_ would ever have done something like that for me.”

“Well, maybe you should get better  _ pals  _ then.”

“Alright, alright,” Martyn replied, raising his hands in defeat. “I get it. Sorry for being nosey.”

“No, it’s not…” Phil paused, thinking for a second. “It’s not big deal or anything. If I didn’t want you to read it, I would’ve closed the book before you could. I like… I need to read it sometimes, on bad days.”

“Today’s a bad day?”

Phil leaned forward, crossing his legs. “Not really  _ bad,  _ just a lot of questions that weren’t so fun to be asked.”

Martyn nodded. “Well, it’s getting late. I better head off to bed,” he said, getting up from Phil’s bed. “Night, Phil.”

“Night, Martyn.”

Once Martyn had left and closed the door, Phil picked his phone back up.

_ Dan _

And my mum pretty much thinks you’re some sort of angel or something for getting me to bake.

_ Dan _

She said that’s the only explanation.

_ Dan _

Is it snowing there?

_ Dan _

It’s not snowing here.

_ Dan _

I miss home. I love my grandma but she keeps trying to set me up with her best friend’s, sister’s, niece or some shit like that.

_ Dan _

Like, uhhh, no, grandma. No.

_ Dan _

Have you abandoned me?

_ Dan _

Is this your way of saying I need to spend more time with my family? Cause we already established it’s late and they’ve gone to bed.

_ Dan _

Which is another issue because why the fuck do they go to bed so early? It’s fucking Christmas Eve for fucks sake.

Phil laughed as he read over the texts. 

_ Phil _

My brother was talking to me, I didn’t abandon you. 

_ Phil _

It's not snowing here.

_ Phil _

Tell your mum we’re going to cook her a proper meal next time she visits. 

_ Phil _

And tell your grandma you’re only looking for someone willing to shove a Christmas tree up your ass.

_ Dan _

I just fucking snorted hot chocolate everywhere. It’s on my clothes.

_ Phil _

Then I hope you listened when I showed you how to remove tough stains from clothes.

_ Dan _

I’m going to show my mum these texts and she’ll never think you’re an angel ever again.

_ Phil _

You’re going to show her that I taught you how to remove tough stains from clothes to somehow prove I’m not an angel?

_ Dan _

Evil, Lester. Evil.

_ Dan _

Hey, Phil?

_ Phil _

Yeah?

_ Dan _

I kinda miss you.

As he read the text, Phil could have sworn his heart skipped a beat.

_ Phil _

I miss you too.

He watched as the time on his phone went from 23:59 to 0:00.

_ Phil _

Hey, Dan?

_ Dan _

Yeah

_ Phil _

Merry Christmas

_ Dan _

Merry Christmas, Philly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad to be able to write another chapter to this story! If you aren't on tumblr, you don't know that I got injured slightly on Sunday and I didn't feel like writing for a few days. I've got some stitches in my face, but everything's healing up and soon I'll just be a cool (ha!) chick with a scar.
> 
> Anyway, thank you all for the kind comments! I appreciate them all!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	16. Fake Christmas

_ Dan _

Where the fudge are you?

_ Phil _

Fudge?

_ Dan _

Grandma says I curse too much.

_ Phil _

This is the first time someone’s telling you that?

_ Dan _

Don’t be a shit, Phil. I know you’re smirking.

_ Phil _

I think you mean, ‘Don’t be a stinker, Phil.’

_ Dan _

Fuck you.

_ Phil _

There he is.

_ Dan _

Where are you??

_ Phil _

Only a couple more hours.

_ Dan _

A couple more hours?!

_ Dan _

Are you fucking kidding me?!

_ Dan _

It was a couple more hours two hours ago!

Suddenly, Dan heard someone trying to get in the door. He looked up from his phone, quickly standing when the door opened. He was frozen in place, thinking about calling the police but not able to do it.

“I lied,” A voice said cheekily before Phil stepped in through the door.

Dan let out a breath, his shoulders relaxing. “You fucker!”

Phil laughed. “I’m sorry! I couldn’t help it.”

As Phil shut the door, Dan walked over to him and gave him a hug.

“I thought you were a murderer,” Dan said as Phil returned the slightly surprising hug.

“A murderer with a key?” Phil asked.

“How did I know you weren’t jimmying it open with something else?”

“Aw, I’m sorry. What would you have done if I were a murderer?” Phil asked as they pulled away from one another.

“Probably have a heart attack before you even got close.”

“Sounds about right,” Phil agreed. “Let me go put my things away and we can get started on our Christmas Eve.”

“Alright. Did you still want Thai?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Yeah. I’ll go ahead and order.”

“Alright,” Phil said, heading to his room. “Be right back.”

 

Soon enough they were sitting on the couch, the coffee table filled with their favorite foods. They each had a plate, piling them up with more than they could probably eat in one sitting. They had been planning for this though, so neither of them had eaten since the night before.

“So, how was your trip?” Dan asked, scooting back into the couch to get comfortable.

“Good. It was nice to see everyone.” He paused. “Well, almost everyone.”

“Uh-oh. What happened?”

Phil shrugged, taking a bite of his food. “I guess none of it was bad,” he said once he had swallowed the bite. “Just some nosey family members. Had to answer questions about Kevin over and over again from people who didn’t know anything about it before.”

“That sounds sucky,” Dan replied.

Phil nodded. “Yeah. I didn’t go into detail or anything. Just said it didn’t work out. They accepted that for the most part; they kept saying how much they liked him though.”

“I probably would’ve spent the entire night locked in my room,” Dan said. “I hate big family get togethers like that. Makes me queasy.”

“Yeah… The rest was good though. How was your trip?”

“You do remember I tried to convince you to come back home on Christmas day, right?” Dan asked.

Phil smiled. “Yes, I do.”

“Well, that’s how it went.”

“You always exaggerate things when it comes to your family, Dan. It couldn’t have been  _ that _ bad.”

Dan sighed. “I suppose not. I just don’t understand why your parents want to know so much about your life, you know? Like, my grandma is the only one who watches my videos, and she’s the only one I talk to regularly, so she wasn’t so bad… Everyone else though. Ugh!”

“Maybe they want to know so much because they don’t watch your videos and don’t get to speak to you regularly?” Phil suggested, giving Dan a pointed look.

Dan glared over at him. “I like my family not being in the know.”

“What wouldn’t you want them to know though?” Phil asked. “You don’t do anything.”

“First of all, ouch-”

“You know what I mean,” Phil interrupted, rolling his eyes.

“Second of all,” Dan continued, “that’s exactly what I don’t want them to know.”

“Will you pass the cola, please?” Phil asked, moving to pick up his cup.

“Oh, I got it.” Dan set his plate down on the table, picking up Phil’s cup and pouring his drink for him. 

It wasn’t the first time Dan had ever done something like that for him. They do stuff like that for each other all the time. But, still, Phil wasn’t used to it. He wasn’t used to the small, kind gestures that showed another person cared about him.

“Thank you,” he said, taking the cup from Dan.

“Mhm. I’m not saying my grandma  _ wasn’t  _ annoying, by the way,” Dan said, turning the conversation back to family.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s got this idea in her head that I’m lonely,” he replied. “I tried telling her all that we do together, and how I’m not lonely, but she kept telling me I needed to date. I was like, ‘Grandma, I’d rather jab my eyes out.’ And she just shook her head and said, ‘It would be nice to have someone to take you to A&E after you did that, now wouldn’t it?’”

“Well, she has a point there,” Phil replied. For some reason, his heart ached at the thought of Dan going on a date with someone. He pushed the thought away quickly.

“No, cause you could take me to A&E.” Dan froze, looking over at Phil. “You’d take me to A&E, right?”

“If you jab your eyes out?” Phil asked.

“Yeah.”

“Yes, I’d take you to A&E if you jabbed your eyes out, Dan.”

Dan nodded. “Okay, good.”

They ate in silence for a couple of minutes, m emories from the past filling in Phil’s mind. Not bad ones, necessarily. Just reminders of how little of life he’d actually lived.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date,” he admitted.

“Really?” Dan asked. “Never?”

Phil shook his head. “I don’t think so. Kevin was the only person I was ever with, and he didn’t like going on dates.”

“What would you do?”

“Well, I’d cook and he’d come over and eat. Then we’d watch whatever movie he wanted, or he’d play video games. When we lived together, well, we just lived together.”

“No dinner and a movie? Or a museum date? Or crazy golf? Or bowling?” 

“No. I mean, we did stuff sometimes. But if we went bowling, all his pals came too. He’d complain at museums, and didn’t like going out to eat. We went to the movies once, but he just wanted to makeout and I really wanted to see the movie, so I wouldn’t go anymore. Now, he _would_ take me to pubs,” Phil remembered, “but that wasn’t very fun for me. And he left with someone else once, literally abandoning me at the pub. One of the workers had to give me money for a cab home.”

At this point, Dan had placed his plate in his lap, his eyes wide as he listened to Phil. “My… My God, Phil. I- I don’t even know what to say.”

Phil shrugged. “Doesn’t matter anymore, I suppose,” he said, taking another bite of food.

The silence returned, but Dan couldn’t bring himself to take another bite. He stirred the food around with his fork, biting at his bottom lip.

“I could take you on a date,” he suggested.

“What?” Phil asked, his head quickly turning toward Dan.

“I- Would that be weird?” Dan asked. “I just… You’d be able to have a date and I’d be able to tell my grandma I went on one.”

“Oh, um,” Phil heart was racing, but he tried to hide any nervousness. It wasn’t like it was a real date anyway. “Um, yeah. I mean, no, it wouldn’t be weird. I… Sure, I’ll go.”

Dan grinned. “Okay. Okay, good. You don’t have to do anything; I’ll plan it. I mean, unless you want to plan it. I don’t mind if you-”

“No, I don’t,” Phil replied. “You can plan it all.”

Dan let out a deep breath. “Alright. I’ll let you know a day soon, once I figure it all out.”

“I’ll be here,” Phil said, smiling as he forced himself to calm down. 

“Okay.” Dan took another deep breath before reaching out to grab the remote off the coffee table. “So, it’s fake Christmas Eve, we should watch a Christmas movie.”

“Home Alone?” Phil suggested, taking Heather’s advice to make more decisions instead of letting everyone else make them for him.

Dan nodded, their comfortable, familiar environment returning. “Sounds good.”

 

“Merry fake Christmas!” Dan exclaimed as Phil exited his bedroom the next morning.

Phil only groaned in return.

“I’ve got your coffee made on the kitchen counter. Get it and come in here for presents!”

Again, Phil groaned.

“Do you remember when you used to be a morning person?” Dan asked.

Phil went into the kitchen and got his coffee, then came back and sat down on the couch. “It’s eight in the morning, Dan.”

“You have to get up early on Christmas, Phil.”

“It’s not-”

“Don’t you dare say it’s not really Christmas,” Dan warned.

“You  _ just  _ said Merry fake Christmas to me, Daniel.”

“That’s different,  _ Philip.  _ Drink some coffee while I get your stuff from under the tree.”

They had both agreed on getting two presents for each other, so Dan went and got Phil’s two out. He set them down on the couch before sitting back down himself.

“Okay, open.”

Phil took another sip of coffee before setting the cup down. He picked up the first gift and unwrapped it. “A noise machine!” He exclaimed, a smile appearing on his face.

“You always fall asleep easier when there’s some background noise,” Dan explained. “I thought this would help.”

“Thank you, it will!”

Feeling a bit more alert now, Phil picked up his second gift. He unwrapped it a bit quicker, finding a Buffy the Vampire Slayer ornament wrapped up in a box. “Oh my gosh!” He laughed, staring down at the ornament. “I didn’t know this existed!”

“I realized we only had my ornaments on the tree this year, so we have to start you a collection for next year.”

“This is amazing, Dan, thank you,” he said, leaning forward and giving Dan a hug.

“Okay, my turn!” Dan said excitedly once the hug had finished.

Phil laughed. He gently placed his ornament on the coffee table and got up to get Dan’s gifts.

“Now, it’s not as special as the ornament and noise machine,” he explained, “but I think you’ll like it.”

“I don’t care what it is, I’ll love it.”

Phil smiled, handing him over the gifts. It was amazing how a few simple words could make him feel so calm.

He sat down as Dan opened his first gift. “Oh my God! You didn’t!”

“I did.”

“A salt lamp! I didn’t think you were listening to that rant!”

“Of course I was listening!”

“You never said anything,” Dan replied.

“You were talking too fast!”

“Oh my God. This better make me feel like a brand new person.”

“Somehow I doubt the salt lamp is as powerful as that article said.”

“I can’t wait to lick it,” Dan said, still staring at it.

“Dan! You’re not supposed to lick the lamp!”

“Oh, you know you’re gonna lick it too.” He set the box down and opened his other gift, his eyes widening.

“How did you find this?” He asked.

“Uh, Amazon?”

“I thought they were all sold out.”

“I guess they restocked it,” Phil replied. He couldn’t help but smile at Dan’s face. He’d never seen someone get so excited over a special edition boxset of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. “Apparently it has even more special features than the other special editions did.”

“Are we going to watch it all today?” Dan asked, looking up at Phil with puppy dog eyes.

“I don’t know how we’ll get through it all in one day, but we can try,” Phil replied.

Dan smiled wide, leaning forward to give Phil another hug. “This is the best fake Christmas ever,” he said, and Phil couldn’t disagree. He squeezed Dan tight, somehow feeling even more warm than what he did at home.

 

They spent the day eating leftovers and watching Dan’s boxset. They knew they wouldn’t realistically be able to get through all the material in one day, but they watched as much as they could.

Phil hated that he compared everything to how it was with Kevin, but he couldn’t help himself.

Kevin never got personal gifts for him. He would get pre-made gift baskets from the store that had cheap candies, cookies, and popcorn inside. Often, he’d be the one to eat them in the end. 

It meant so much that Dan would get him things he actually loved. Something to help him sleep at night, and something to make him feel even more at home- not that that was necessary. 

The idea that Dan was planning on them having a next Christmas together filled Phil’s heart with a warmth he didn’t think was possible and, if it weren’t for the fact that Dan was right beside him, he’d probably cry.

Halfway into a featurette about the special effects in the The Fellowship of the Ring, Dan laid down on one end of the couch, his head on the armrest.

A few minutes later, Phil followed suit, their legs tangling in the middle of the couch like they always did when they laid this way.

“I think New Year’s Eve,” Dan said, his tired voice breaking the silence.

“What about it?” Phil asked.

“Our date. I think New Year’s Eve.”

“Oh… Okay, that sounds good,” Phil replied, taking a deep breath.

Dan rubbed Phil’s leg with his own a couple of times, which Phil knew by now was his way of saying he was falling asleep. He watched Dan as his eyes slowly closed, his body relaxing and his breathing evening out.

Phil watched the TV for a bit longer, until his eyes started to feel heavy. 

He pulled a blanket off of the back of the couch and laid it over him and Dan, then fell asleep feeling better than he had in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, your comments on the last chapter were so sweet! Thank you so much!!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	17. Happy New Year

Dan was nervous. He was extremely nervous. As he looked at his third outfit for the night, running his hands over his shirt to work out any wrinkles, he took a deep breath.

He couldn’t believe how anxious this was making him. 

He wanted this date to be perfect. He wanted Phil to have a good time, and to be able to remember it forever.

He wanted to see Phil smile, and to know that he was the reason Phil was smiling.

He wanted to replace all of Phil’s bad memories with good ones. He knew that was impossible, but he still wanted to try.

Dan had told Phil to dress casual, but not sit-on-the-couch-and-shove-popcorn-down-our-throats casual, and now he was trying to make sure he was dressed appropriately.

Finally, he settled on black jeans, a burgundy sweater, and his black coat. 

He looked in his mirror, making sure every hair was in the right place. He had blow-dried it after his shower today, wanting it to have the natural, fluffy waves that Phil always commented on. 

Finally, he put on his shoes. He decided on simple black ones with a zipper on the side. Phil had loved the style when he first saw them, which was the only thing Dan thought of as he put them on.

He did another check in the mirror, smiling wide to make sure every tooth was perfectly brushed. Once he was satisfied, he headed out of his room.

God, he hoped he wouldn’t throw up everywhere.

 

Phil was going to vomit. He was fairly sure he was one deep breath away from throwing up all over his bedroom floor.

He had heard a lot about dating growing up. He always thought it was some fun, exciting thing that one day he’d experience.

And then, when he grew up and never got to experience it, he felt like he had missed out.

Now, though… Now he wondered why anyone would ever want to go on a date. 

This wasn’t even a real date. This was an outing with a friend that doubled as a date because Dan wanted to be nice, but still, Phil was nervous.

As he looked over his outfit, he hoped he wasn’t too formal, or not formal enough. Dan had said casual, and he thought he knew what Dan’s definition of casual-but-not-too-casual meant, but what if he was wrong?

He had decided to wear a long-sleeve, black dress shirt that had white outlines of birds on it. Dan had loved it when he bought it, but Phil hadn’t had an opportunity to wear it yet. 

He was wearing black jeans as well, along with some black converse that he had just bought so they looked better than any other shoe he owned.

He fixed his fringe for the thirtieth time, hoping he hadn’t used the straightener on it too much. 

He smiled into his mirror, checking to make sure his teeth looked good.

When he was sure that everything was in place, he closed his eyes to try and calm down.

Just as his heartbeat was returning to normal, the doorbell rang.

Phil left his room, wondering who could be at the door. “Dan, did you order something?” He asked.

Getting no answer, Phil continued toward the door. 

He looked through the peephole, becoming even more confused when he saw Dan standing there.

“What are you doing out there?” He asked, opening the door to let Dan in. “Did you forget your key?”

Dan smiled. “I’m here to pick you up for our date,” he replied.

Phil’s nose crinkled up as he looked at Dan with a confused expression. “What?”

Dan leaned in closer to Phil. “Just go with it, Philly,” he whispered.

Phil didn’t know why, but he loved it when Dan called him any nickname. He could call him a porcupine and Phil’s whole body would feel like mush.

He nodded. “Okay. Let me just grab my coat.”

“Oh, no rush,” Dan said, waving Phil off.

“You can come in if you’d like?” Phil said when Dan just stood at the doorway.

Dan stepped inside, closing the door behind him. “Lovely place you have here,” he called out as Phil headed back to his room to get his coat.

“Thank you,” Phil replied, and Dan could hear the laughter in his voice.

“Do you live by yourself?”

“No,” Phil said, exiting his room a few seconds later and slipping on his coat. “I have a roommate.”

“Oh, really? What’s he like?”

Phil smiled, pausing to think of an answer. “He’s alright, I suppose.”

“Just alright?”

Phil shrugged. “He gets a bit grumpy if he doesn’t get his cereal in the morning.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t understand how someone can eat three servings worth in one night,” Dan replied, a bit too quickly.

“You know, you sound a lot like my roommate. You might want to go out with him instead.”

Dan smiled, rolling his eyes. “Nah, he kinda sounds like a prick. You’re a much better option, in my opinion.”

Phil had no idea how to respond to that. He was fairly sure his face was turning red, and he didn’t want Dan to see, so he quickly avoided eye contact.

“Um, are you ready to go?” He asked.

“Yes. Yes, um,” Dan cleared his throat, turning around to head out the door. “Yeah, let’s go.”

 

When Phil got into the taxi, the driver seemed to already know exactly where to go, so Phil still didn’t have an idea as to where they were headed.

“So, how long have you lived here?” Dan asked, trying and failing to hide a grin.

“Oh, a few months now,” Phil replied. “How about you, Dan? Or, do you prefer Daniel?”

“You can call me whatever you like,” Dan said. “And I’ve lived here for a few years.”

“You must know every inch of this city then.”

Dan shrugged. “I make a fairly good tour guide.”

Phil looked out the window, taking a deep breath as he looked around. It wasn’t dark out yet, as they had left the house before two. The streets were more crowded than usual, seeing as it was New Year’s Eve, but that’s why they were leaving so early anyway. 

“Could we do that one day?” Phil asked, looking back over at Dan. “You guide me around the whole city, I mean.”

“Already planning our second date?” Dan’s smile widened even more, the dimples Phil loved so much showing prominently on his cheeks. “I must be doing amazing.”

Phil laughed, tossing his head back and closing his eyes. 

“Dan?” He started once he had calmed down enough to speak.

“Yes, Phil?”

“I cannot spend this entire date pretending I don’t already know you.”

“Ha!” Dan exclaimed. “It was fun while it lasted though, right?”

“Yeah, it was.”

Dan sighed. “Well, it’s better to go on a date with someone you already know anyway. It kills the small talk and removes the awkwardness.”

“I agree. Also, I wasn’t joking about having you guide me around the city one day. I know you’ve shown me around before, but that sounds like it would be fun.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, it would be. I’d love to do that.”

 

A few minutes later, they arrived at their destination. When the taxi stopped, Phil looked out the window to see the Sea Life London Aquarium. 

The next thing Phil knew, Dan was on his side of the cab, opening his door. “You coming?” He asked, bring Phil out of his daze.

“Oh!” Phil got out of the cab, and thanked the driver before Dan shut the door. “We’re going here?” He asked as they headed up to the entrance.

“We are,” Dan replied. He handed Phil a pre-purchased ticket and they headed inside.

Once they were officially in the aquarium, Phil looked over at Dan. “You remembered my story?” He asked.

“The one about you going to an aquarium when you were young, getting sick, and having to leave before you saw anything? And how you were really sad and always wanted to go back to an aquarium but never had the chance?”

“I told you that story months ago, Dan,” Phil said, amazed by the fact Dan still remembered his story. Up until now, he had forgotten he had ever told Dan.

“I’ve been wanting to bring you here since then,” Dan replied, “but we’re so bad at actually leaving the house. This seemed like the perfect time.”

Phil could feel his eyes glossing over with tears, but he blinked a few times to hold them back.

“Are you excited?” Dan asked, sounding worried.

Phil looked around the room, taking it in for the first time. “I’m very excited.”

 

All Dan wanted to do was watch Phil. Each room they’d go into, every animal they’d see, Phil would light up like a child opening their Christmas presents. 

He snuck a few pictures of Phil while they were in the shark tank, but they took some selfies as well. 

They’d talk like they always did, either telling information they’d read about a certain fish or shark, or sharing a memory from their childhood when something reminded them of it.

While Dan clung to every word Phil said, he realized halfway through that he couldn’t remember a single sea creature they had seen. All he cared about was seeing Phil happy. He loved when Phil would smile, or when he’d watch the animals go over them in the tanks. 

Every time Phil would inch slightly closer to him, their shoulders brushing up against one another, his heart would beat a little faster and he could feel his cheeks blushing.

When Phil would tug on his shirt sleeve, or pat his arm in excitement, Dan would smile and watch as Phil’s eyes widened at whatever he was seeing.

He found himself clenching his hands tight, nearly digging his fingernails into his palms, aching to take ahold of Phil’s hand.

It didn’t take Dan long to realize that while this date might be “fake”, his thoughts and feelings felt very real.

He couldn’t let himself think about that though. This night was for Phil. His feelings didn’t matter. Phil was all that mattered tonight, and Dan couldn’t have been happier about that.

He’d do whatever he needed to do to make sure the night was perfect.

 

They spent nearly three hours in the aquarium, often going back and revisiting certain exhibits that Phil enjoyed the most.

Once they were done, they got another taxi and headed to dinner.

They arrived at a small restaurant a few minutes later. It was dim and quiet inside. A place where they were sure to have privacy.

Dan gave his name for their reservations, and they headed to an area in the back, next to a window.

The closest table was nearly ten steps from them, and an older couple far from their demographic was sitting at it, so they knew they wouldn’t be bothered here.

“Have you eaten here before?” Phil asked after they had ordered drinks.

“No,” Dan replied, “but it has really good reviews online. It’s nothing fancy, but most of the places that are fancy were booked months ago for New Year’s Eve.”

“It seems lovely,” Phil said, knowing Dan enough to recognize when he was worried. “Places like this are my favorite. Quiet and relaxed.”

“I like it too,” Dan agreed. They shared a smile before Dan looked down at his menu.

They sat in comfortable silence, deciding on what they were going to order, until their drinks arrived.

Phil got a Sprite and Dan got Diet Coke, even though he wished more than anything for a cocktail at the moment. He still felt so nervous, wanting to make sure everything was perfect. He knew a cocktail would be just enough to calm him down.

He didn’t dare order it though. He knew how Phil felt about drinking. He knew about how Kevin would drink, and get drunk, and that’s when the yelling would be at its loudest and the hits would be at their hardest.

There was no way Dan would do anything to make Phil uncomfortable tonight. Even under normal circumstances, he never wanted Phil to be uncomfortable.

Dan ordered the chicken Marsala for dinner, and Phil got salmon with dill sauce over wild rice.

“You know I’m going to have to try your food,” Dan said once the waiter left them. “I don’t even like salmon but that sounds delicious.”

“Well, I’m eating your food too so it’ll be a fair trade.”

Phil looked out the window, watching as people passed by. It was a busy night, with people going all over the city for parties. 

“Did you go to a party last year?” Phil asked, turning his attention back to Dan.

“Do you not know me at all, Phil? I stayed at home and drank Ribena in a onesie. When the fireworks started going off, I put headphones on and played video games.”

Phil laughed. “That sounds like the perfect party, actually.”

“It was a hoot and a half,” Dan replied. “What about you?”

Phil glanced down, biting at his lip. He nervously rubbed his eye before replying. “I actually spent the evening searching for Kev- excuse me,  _ Dickface,  _ and didn’t find him until around two o’clock in the morning. It seems he found someone else to kiss at midnight, along with plenty of other things.”

“What an asshole.”

Phil nodded. “I thought that as well.” 

“Can I ask you something? It’s kind of personal.”

“Sure.”

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, I just-”

“Dan,” Phil interrupted, “you’re my best friend. Ask away.”

“I-” He paused, sitting up straighter. “I was just wondering what… what you saw in him? Like, why did you want to be with him? Is that a rude thing to ask?”

Phil shook his head. “No. No, it’s not rude. I… I honestly don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t think I ever saw anything in him that I really liked. I was young, and he was the first person who ever acted interested in me, and I guess I felt I needed to accept whatever offer I was given.” He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “He wasn’t mean at first; that didn’t start until we’d been together for six months. And it wasn’t even too bad in the beginning. It was like a slow progression. I didn’t even realize it sometimes. And then I stayed because I thought I could fix it.” He shrugged. “You know all about that part though.”

“Yeah.” Dan looked outside for a moment, before turning back to Phil. “What kind of person would you want to be with?” He asked, genuinely curious as to what was Phil’s type.

Phil sighed. “Um, I really haven’t thought about it too much,” he said. “I mean, I spent eight years with someone who was the completely wrong choice, so I don’t know how good my judgment is.”

“Quality-wise though. Like, that’s pretty basic, right?”

Phil took a few seconds to think. “Honesty is important, I think. I’d need to be able to trust them. Someone who was dependable, kind, supportive. Someone who can make me laugh and smile, and makes me feel like I’m not just needed but wanted too. I want to be happy when they’re home, and miss them when they’re away. I want to know without any doubt that they love and care about me, and I want to know without any doubt that I love and care about them. I want them to like my family, and I want to be able to really get to know their family as well. I want them to-” He stopped, realization hitting him.

_ “I want them to be my best friend.”  _ That’s what he was about to say. That’s when it registered that everything he had mentioned was part of the list he made for Dan. That’s when it registered that all the moments Dan would make his heart beat faster and his brain turn to mush weren’t nothing, and were in fact the complete opposite of nothing.

“I want them to want me,” he finished instead, staring into Dan’s eyes. He wished he could look away, but he couldn’t.

Dan was staring back with equal intensity. It almost looked like he was about to cry.

He nodded at Phil, blinking a few times to clear his vision. “That’s, um,” he cleared his throat. “That’s what I’d want too.”

 

After dinner, they headed back to the apartment.

However, instead of going inside, Dan led them up to the roof.

“Are you sure we’re allowed to come up here?” Phil asked.

“Positive,” Dan replied.

“Why are we going to the roof though?”

“You’ll see.”

Dan opened the door, letting Phil go by first.

On the roof was a blanket lying on the ground, a few more still folded beside it, along with some pillows and a picnic basket.

“Thankfully, I do have one or two people who owe me, so I used them for this,” he said as he and Phil headed toward the blanket.

“What is all this?” Phil asked with a smile on his face.

“In the picnic basket is dessert and Ribena, because, duh. And I thought we’d lay out here and watch the fireworks.”

“You’re really going to lay out here for four hours while we wait for fireworks?” 

“Hell no,” Dan replied. “There’s a kids event down the street and they set them off early there. We’ll watch those, and then go inside where it’s warm and wait for the actual new year.”

Phil laughed. “That sounds amazing.”

“The fireworks are supposed to start soon,” Dan said as they sat down on the blanket, “if you wanna lie back and we’ll watch them first. Gives dinner a little more time to settle anyway.”

“I’d like that.”

Dan opened up a couple of blankets, laying them over him and Phil. They settled back and stared up at the sky, waiting for the fireworks to start.

“I had a really good time tonight,” Phil said, the back of his hand brushing up against Dan’s as they moved closer to each other for warmth.

“I did too,” Dan replied. 

Phil thought Dan would move his hand away, breaking contact, but he didn’t. 

Taking a chance, and a deep breath, he gently placed his hand over Dan’s and squeezed.

Almost immediately, Dan turned his hand over, taking Phil’s hand in his.

It wasn’t like they’d never touched each other before. They often rested their heads in each others laps, or on one another’s shoulders. They gave each other hugs all the time, and they always sat side by side when they watched scary movies.

This was different though, somehow. It made Phil’s heart clench, and his hands sweat, and his mind race.

A part of Phil wanted to pull away. Just pull away and forget anything ever happened at all. Forget this date, and this night, and any feelings and thoughts he had.

He resisted that urge though. Instead, he held onto Dan tighter, hoping Dan wouldn’t let him go.

“I’d, um, I’d like to do that again,” Phil said. He felt like he might throw up. He prayed he could hold it in until he was alone. “Go out, I mean. I’d like to.”

Dan immediately looked over at him; Phil could feel it. He didn’t stop staring up at the sky, he couldn’t bring himself to look into Dan’s eyes, but he knew Dan was watching him.

“I’d like that too,” Dan admitted. 

“I, just, I… I can’t.” Phil cleared his throat, his mouth feeling completely dried out. He hated the words as he said them, but he knew it needed to be said. “I can’t  _ right now,”  _ he clarified. “I want to. I really do, I just can’t yet.” He thought he might cry. He felt the tears in the corner of his eyes, threatening to fall. “I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t make sense, and I’m really sorry, but-”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted, giving Phil’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Phil, look at me.”

Phil reluctantly looked over at him. 

“It’s okay,” Dan reassured him. “I get it. It’s okay.”

“I really would like to again someday. Tonight was the best night of my life, Dan, I mean it. It was… No one’s ever made me feel as special as you did tonight. I just… I want it to be right. I want it all to be right, with me. I want-”

“Phil, I  _ promise  _ you that I understand and it’s okay. Tonight was the best night of my life too, and we will do it again when you’re ready.”

“What if I’m not ready for awhile?”

“I don’t know if you know this about me,” Dan said with a smile, “but I have nothing but time on my hands... I also have a best friend to hang out with until you’re ready.”

Above them, the fireworks began going off, causing them both to turn away from each other and look at the sky.

“Happy New Year, Danny,” Phil whispered, still clinging to Dan’s hand.

“Happy New Year, Philly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update! I'm on vacation this week and I haven't had much time to write. I hope the chapter made up for the wait though! Let me know what you thought :)
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	18. Ready

_“I can’t believe you forgot.”_

_“I didn’t know there was anything to remember.”_

_“Anniversary, Phil. Six months of you and me.”_

_“I didn’t know people actually celebrated six months. And technically our six months wouldn’t be until next week.”_

_“Yeah, but this is the only weekend I have off, so I figured we’d celebrate today.”_

_Phil made a pouty face at Kevin. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have made plans if I’d known.”_

_“Then, cancel your plans.”_

_Phil laughed. “I can’t cancel! I told Jenny and Trey I’d go with them to the concert two months ago.”_

_“Phil,” Kevin whined, moving closer to Phil on the couch. He took Phil’s hand in his, holding onto it tight. “Come on,” he said, running his other hand up and down Phil’s arm, “stay with me. It's a stupid concert.”_

_“Hey, I like Muse!”_

_Kevin sighed. “I thought you’d care about this more,” he said, leaning back into the couch. He didn’t let go of Phil. Instead, he held on tighter. His one hand was pressing down so hard on Phil’s arm it almost hurt, but Phil didn’t mention it._

_“I do care, Kev,” he promised. “I really didn’t know it would matter.”_

_“Whatever. I’ll see you after the concert, or not, I don’t know. Depends on when you get back, I guess.”_

_He let go of Phil and went to get up, but Phil grabbed onto his arm and pulled him back down to the couch. “Don’t be like that, Kev. I- I’ll stay home, okay? We’ll celebrate. Six months is a big deal, you’re right.”_

_Kevin smiled at that. “Thanks, Babe! I’ll go out and get you something to cook, alright?” He said, patting Phil on the knee. “Don’t forget to call whoever it was you were going with and tell them you’ll be staying in.”_

 

“That was the only anniversary he ever cared about,” Phil said to Heather. He was leaning back in his chair, staring down toward his feet. “On our one year anniversary, I made dinner for us to eat at seven and he didn’t show up until two o’clock the next morning. He was drunk, and all he wanted was sex. He, um, he was kind of pinning me to the bed then, but he passed out before anything happened.”

“Why do you think this memory is sticking out to you so much right now?” Heather asked.

Phil shrugged. “I don’t know. I just started thinking about how he probably never cared about our anniversary at all; he just didn’t want me going to the concert when he wasn’t going to be there.”

“Do you think it ties in with you and Dan somehow?”

Phil looked up at her with a confused expression. “How would that tie in with me and Dan?”

“Well, it seems like your date had a big impact on your and his relationship.”

“It wasn’t a real date,” Phil clarified.

“I’m gonna have to disagree with you on that one. You said to me that you told Dan you’d like to do it again, but you couldn’t right now. Is that correct?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah.”

“Could it be that you don’t trust Dan yet?”

“Wait, what?” Phil asked, sitting up straighter. He wondered if he heard her correctly.

“It would be understandable,” Heather continued. “Trusting people can be difficult, especially when there’s a history of trust being broken. Kevin broke your trust almost everyday, and now you might fear that Dan would do the same thing.”

Phil was silent for a moment, thinking, before he shook his head. “No. No, that’s not it.”

“Okay. Do you know what it is?”

“I… I know I trust Dan. I trust him more than I trust anyone, I think. I just… I don’t really trust myself.”

“Why’s that?” Heather asked, resting her elbow on her desk and placing her chin in her hand.

“First of all, I haven’t even been away from Kevin for a full year. I shouldn’t already be with someone else.”

“How come?”

Phil sighed, slightly annoyed by Heather’s questions. “Because it hasn’t been long enough. I spent eight years with Kevin. I shouldn’t jump right from him to someone else.”

“I don’t think I’d consider this “jumping,” Phil.”

“Some people would,” Phil replied, looking past Heather and out the window behind her.

“You mean Kevin would?” Heather asked.

Phil bit at his lip. “I was so wrong about him,” he said, ignoring her question. “For eight years I was in a relationship I never should have been in. What if I don’t really know how to be in a relationship? What if I mess everything up? What if I’m wrong again, like I was before?”

“First,” Heather replied, moving over slightly to catch Phil’s attention, “I’d like to remind you that there is no set time on when you are or aren’t allowed to move on. You can go as quickly or as slow as you’d like. Would I recommend dating _immediately_ after breaking up with Kevin? Probably not. But only because that was an abusive relationship and I do agree that you need time to figure out who you are as a person.”

“See!” Phil exclaimed, raising a hand to show he was right the whole time.

_“However,”_ she continued, “I think you _do_ know exactly who you are as a person. You doubt yourself every time a little piece of you shines through. You said yourself that you told Dan exactly who you wanted in a partner, and that you realized every single one of those qualities was Dan. You know what you want, Phil, and you know who you are. You just have to _believe_ that you know it.”

“It’s scary,” Phil admitted, his voice quiet.

“I know it is. But your past does not define your future. You know what you want now. You know what you will and won’t accept. You don’t have to wait for a certain amount of time to pass before you can move on with your life. You’re allowed to be happy _now,_ Phil.”

 

“And then we came inside and played video games for a few hours.”

“Did you win?”

“ _Grandma,”_ Dan whined. “That’s not the point.”

Dan had been talking to his Grandma on the phone for nearly an hour, giving her every detail of his and Phil’s date from two nights ago. He was in his room with the door shut and locked, speaking quietly even though Phil wasn’t home.

“Sorry, Dear,” she replied with a laugh. “I wanted to lighten the mood a bit.”

Dan sighed. “I need advice on this before he gets home, Grandma.”

“Honestly, Daniel, I’m just happy you took my advice and went out with the lad.”

“Wh- You never told me to go out with him!”

“I told you to go on a date,” she said. “I simply hoped you’d take the hint and choose the right person.”

“What makes you think he’s the right person?” Dan asked, both confused and interested in what she had to say.

“Well, you talked about him more than anyone else the entire time you were here. And I knew every time he texted you because you’d smile at your phone. I’m not _that_ old, Daniel, I see things.”

“Are you fu- Are you serious, Grandma? You were trying to set me up with him?”

“I was trying to lead you in a direction you already wanted to take, Darling. It wasn’t that hard.”

Dan groaned. “Grandma, none of this is helping.”

“What is it you need help with? Your best friend wants to be with you, and you want to be with him. Easy as pie.”

“No, it’s not. Like I said before, he isn’t ready for a relationship. And I understand that, because his last relationship was… Well, it was bad. So, I understand he needs time, and that’s fine. It’s just…” His voice trailed off, not exactly sure how to explain the way he was feeling.

“Out with it. I’ll understand, even if it doesn’t make sense.”

“I- I’m scared it’ll ruin us. I’m scared it’ll ruin the friendship we have.”

“Daniel,” she began, her voice soft and caring, “the only thing it will do is strengthen what you already have. You two already share a life. You live together, work together, text and call each other when you’re away from one another. Even when you two could be doing things apart, you spend time together instead. Not much has to change from that. I mean, you two will probably start doing things I’d rather not hear about but-”

_“Grandma!”_ Dan interrupted.

“It’s natural, Dear. Nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m only saying that being with a person who you can say without a doubt is also your best friend is the best relationship you could be in. It’s rarer than you think, and you should be proud to have that.” She paused, waiting for him to respond. “You still there?” She asked when he didn’t say anything.

“Yeah, I’m here,” he responded quietly, taking in her words.

“Listen, Daniel. You know each other more than anyone else. From what you’ve told me, you each know all the good and bad about one another. Even knowing the bad, you still love and care about each other. The best advice I can give you that, when Phil is ready, if _you_ are ready, go for it. Without fear or hesitation.”

“How do you know everything, Grandma?” Dan asked, letting out a deep breath. Talking to her always helped calm him down.

She laughed. “Many years of learning from my own mistakes. May I ask you a question?”

“Yeah.”

“When Philip is ready, do you think you will be too?”

Dan was quiet for a moment. “Yes,” he replied, his heart skipping a beat at the thought of spending his life with Phil. “I think I’ve been ready for a long time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A sort of small but important chapter that I hope you all enjoyed. Thank you so much for all the comments on the last chapter. They made me smile and put me in a better mood!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	19. Listen and Reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if phone number formatting is wrong. I asked about it on tumblr and got multiple answers, then had to rely on google!

_+447945697213_

It’s been awhile and I don’t want to start shit or whatever but I’d really like it if we could talk or something, please.

_Phil_

Who is this?

_+447945697213_

Phil...

_+447945697213_

Shit, I forgot we both have new numbers. It’s Kevin.

_+447945697213_

Phil?

_+447945697213_

Phil, are you there?

 

“Dan,” Phil called as he walked out of his room and into the lounge. Dan was sitting on the couch, scrolling down tumblr as he always was late at night.

“Yeah?” He replied, barely glancing up from his laptop.

The glance was enough to see Phil, paler than usual, phone in his hand, shaking slightly. Dan looked back up at him, shutting his laptop down and setting it aside.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, moving to stand up.

Before he could stand, Phil was walking over to the couch and sitting down on the other end.

He didn’t respond, instead holding out his phone until Dan took it.

He stared down at his knees, picking at the fabric of his jeans, as Dan read the messages.

“What the fuck?” He said a few seconds later. “Wh- How did he get your new number?”

“I don’t know,” Phil replied, still avoiding eye contact. “We have mutual acquaintances. Probably one of them.”

“Don’t you have his number blocked?”

Phil nodded. “The text said he got a new number though.”

Dan took a deep breath and looked back down at the phone. “Fuck. Fucking hell. You should call the police, Phil. Get a restraining order or something.”

Phil leaned back into the couch, bringing a hand to his mouth and biting at a nail. “They’re not going to do anything about a couple of texts. They’d think I was an idiot.”

“Not if you tell them your entire past with the guy.”

“He’s not threatening me, though. They won’t do anything, you know that.”

Dan put Phil’s phone down between them, the texts making him feel ill. “You should block his number.”

“He’ll get another number,” Phil replied, now rubbing his neck. His whole body felt stiff and achy all of a sudden.

“We can get you a new number too. We can figure out what idiot gave him your number in the first place and make sure they don’t get the new one.”

Phil sat there silently for a moment before nodding. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll, um, I’ll block him and then I’ll… I’ll go get a new number soon.”

Dan stared at Phil, and suddenly all of his anger was replaced with worry.

Phil was staring straight ahead, and didn’t appear to be focusing on anything.

Dan moved his laptop and Phil’s phone onto the coffee table, scooting closer to him.

“Are you okay, Phil?” He asked, immediately feeling dumb for asking such a stupid question. “I mean, I know you aren’t, but… Is there anything I can do?” His hand moved instinctively toward Phil’s shoulder, wanting to hold onto him, maybe ground him somehow.

The movement caught Phil’s attention and his head quickly turned toward Dan’s arm, causing Dan to freeze with his hand midair.

“Don’t,” Phil said, his voice soft and low. “Not right now, please. It’s not you, I just… Not right now.”

Dan lowered his arm back down. “You don’t have to explain,” he replied. “I get it. I’ll, um, I’ll go make us some tea.”

As Dan got up and left the room, Phil couldn’t even manage to say “thank you.” He couldn’t speak at all.

His head was pounding now. It felt like his brain was going to explode through his skull.

He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes, remembering the breathing techniques that Heather had taught him.

As he took a deep breath in, held it, then slowly let it out, he tried to forget.

He tried to forget about Kevin’s texts, but he found that nearly impossible to do. Especially when they were right there. Right on his phone, ready for him to see the second he pressed a button.

It felt like the months of hard work he’d put into recovering had shattered in a matter of seconds, and he didn’t know how he’d be able to fix it.

 

A few days passed by and the initial shock wore off.

He should have expected it. He should have known that leaving Kevin behind that day wouldn’t really be the end.

But, he hoped. And hope can carry you for a long time. Hope can pick you up off the ground and carry you far away, just peacefully floating in the air until the wind picks up and you’re thrown against a wall.

But, Phil had found his footing again. He had hit the wall, and picked himself up, and now he was trying to walk back home.

“Hey, Phil?” Dan called out.

“I’m in the kitchen,” Phil replied, cleaning off some dishes in the sink.

A couple of seconds later, Dan was walking in, staring down at his phone. “I was about to text you something but I don’t have your new number yet. What is it?”

“You were about to text me something from two rooms away?” Phil asked.

Dan looked up at him, tilting his head slightly. “You say that like I haven’t done it before.”

Phil rolled his eyes, cleaning the final dish and picking up a towel to dry it off. “Why don’t you just tell me now that you’re here?”

“Well, I _would_ but this is an entire article about a new anime series coming out later this year and I want you to read it. Give me the number, Mate.”

Phil sighed, walking over to the cupboard and putting the clean plates away. “I, um, I didn’t get a new number yet.”

“Oh,” Dan said, sounding slightly confused. “I thought you went out yesterday to get a new one?”

“I did, but it was too busy there.”

Dan nodded. “Usually is. I think you can do it online though, maybe. I can look for you if you want?”

Phil closed the cupboard and turned back to Dan. He was quiet, and he nervously ran his fingers through his fringe, turning it into a quiff. Dan knew for sure that something was wrong when Phil couldn’t maintain eye contact.

“What is it?” Dan asked, leaning back against the counter. He liked to give Phil space when he was nervous.

“I- I don’t think I’m going to change my number.”

Dan set his phone on the counter, giving himself a moment to take a breath and remain calm before he spoke. “Why’s that?”

“Cause, like I said before, he’d just figure out another way to contact me. I mean, I am a ‘public figure’ or whatever, so it’s not like it would be that hard.”

“Okay, so… so you tell him to leave you alone and when he doesn’t, you go to the police.”

Phil sighed. He walked back over to the sink, picked up a washcloth, and began cleaning the countertop. “The police won’t do anything, Dan. He’s not threatening me, and everyone knows a restraining order is just a piece of paper.”

“So, what? We just do nothing until he comes here and hurts you? I’m not letting that happen, Phil.”

“He’s not going to hurt me, Dan.”

Dan let out a humorless laugh. “That’s all he did for eight years, Phil! What makes you think he won’t do it again?”

Phil dropped the washcloth and turned back to Dan, crossing his arms over his chest. “He hasn’t even mentioned coming here, and he doesn’t know where I live. All he’s said is he’d like talk to me when I visit home for my birthday.”

“Fucking hell, Phil,” Dan said, pushing himself away from the counter and turning toward the entryway. He shook his head in disbelief, then turned back to Phil. “You’re still talking to him?”

Phil shrugged. “I have a couple of times.”

“Oh my God." Dan ran his fingers through his hair, unsure of how he was even supposed to feel. “You can’t go see him, Phil. You know that, right?”

“No…” Phil replied, becoming annoyed. “No, I don’t know that. If all he wants to do is talk, then I don’t see a problem with that.”

“How the fuck do you not see a problem with that?!” Dan asked, his voice rising as he felt anger and frustration bubbling up inside him. “He’s manipulating you, Phil! For fucks sake, he wants you to visit him _on_ your birthday!”

“I’m not visiting him _on_ my birthday, Dan!” Phil replied, his voice rising to match Dan’s. “It’ll be sometime before or after it!”

“Oh, that makes it so much better!”

“This is why I didn’t tell you before! I knew you wouldn’t listen to me and you’d just get upset about it!”

“Of course I’m upset about it! Who wouldn’t get upset about it?! I’d be an asshole if I didn’t, Phil! What are you gonna do? Listen to some lameass excuse he’s surely going to give and then run back into his arms?”

“You know what, Dan? Fuck you,” Phil replied. He wasn’t yelling anymore, and it seemed he didn’t plan on listening to Dan yelling anymore either as he briskly walked passed him and left the room. A few seconds later his door slammed shut.

Both boys made sure they didn’t run into each other for the rest of the night.

 

They couldn’t avoid each other forever, no matter how hard they tried.

For nearly a day they had perfectly timed bathroom, drink, and food breaks so they’d never be outside of their room at the same time. At one point, Phil left the house entirely, but Dan still stayed in his room since he didn’t know when he’d be back.

The sound of doors slamming was a good indicator of where the other person was, so they didn’t have to worry about seeing each other.

Eventually, their system didn’t work out. Dan thought he heard Phil go back in his room, but Phil was in the kitchen, and now Dan was standing in the entryway and they were both too hard headed and stubborn to leave the room.

“I need water,” Dan said, moving toward the fridge, which Phil was standing in front of.

“Oh, be my guest,” Phil replied sarcastically, moving to the other side of the kitchen and opening their silverware drawer.

He got out a knife and laid it on the counter, waiting for his toast to be done so he could spread on marmalade.

“You don’t have to be rude about me wanting some water,” Dan said, opening the fridge and getting out their pitcher. “I suppose I could drink from the bathroom sink, but I’d prefer it if my water didn’t taste like ass.”

“Maybe you didn’t hear me correctly when all I said was ‘be my guest’ which isn’t rude at all. _Listening_ isn’t your strong suit though,” Phil replied as his toast popped up. He picked up the toast, dropping it onto the plate. “Also, let’s not pretend you don’t enjoy the taste of ass.”

Dan stopped pouring his water. He set the pitcher down before turning toward Phil, who had a smirk on his face that only made Dan more annoyed.

“Maybe it’s not my listening skills that’s the problem, but your _unreasonableness_ to simply move away from the fridge quietly instead of making a stupid remark that you only said to agitate me.”

Phil shoved the knife into the marmalade, getting out more than he needed and spreading it onto his toast. “That doesn’t even make sense, _Daniel.”_

“Lots of things don’t make sense lately, _Philip.”_ Dan put up the pitcher, then took his cup and headed out of the room.

 

A couple more days passed of them completely avoiding one another. Even when they were in the same room at the same time, they didn’t speak.

And each day- hell, each _moment-_ that passed by, Phil found himself missing Dan more and more.

He even missed them arguing.

It was better than this. It was better than not talking at all.

If he had cooled off enough by this point to miss Dan, and to want to talk to him, he hoped Dan felt the same way.

Which is why he made his way toward Dan’s room, only pausing briefly to take a deep breath before he knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Dan said softly.

Phil opened the door, but stayed leaning against the door frame instead of stepping all the way inside. “I, um… I miss you, Dan,” Phil admitted. “And I’d really like it if we could actually talk.”

Dan sat upon his bed, crossing his legs to make room for Phil on the other end.

Phil walked over and sat down, matching Dan’s posture. “I’m sorry,” Phil began, “for saying the things I did. It was childish.”

“I’m pretty sure I was more childish than you,” Dan replied. “I’m sorry too.”

Phil nodded. “I…” He stopped, wanting to make sure he spoke clearly so that Dan would understand. “I’ve talked to Heather about everything, a couple of times actually.”

“What did she say?” Dan asked.

“She said it’s not up to her what I do. I explained my reasoning to her, told her I needed to do this for me, and she thinks I’m strong enough.”

“So you’re really going to meet up with him?”

“I am,” Phil answered. “Somewhere public, not private. I… Dan, I don’t care what he has to say. _I_ have things I need to say. I need you to understand that.”

Dan nervously bit at his lip, bothering the already chapped skin there. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I just… I _don’t_ understand it. I don’t understand why you would ever want to see him again.”

Phil took a deep breath. “That’s okay,” he replied with a nod. “I… If you can’t understand it, could you at least accept it? I- I’d really like it if you’d be there, with me, when I see him.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “I-”

“You don’t need to sit with me or anything,” Phil quickly added. “You wouldn’t even have to speak to him. I’d just like you to be there, in the room. And I’d really like for you to be with me and my family for my birthday too.”

Dan sat there silently, staring at Phil. He wanted to say no. He wanted to bolt from the room and the situation altogether.

“Will you?” Phil asked.

“I… Yeah. Yeah, I’ll go,” he replied, his heart pounding as he agreed. “Of course I’ll go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my favorite chapter so far, and I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Let me know!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	20. Life Preserver

“No. Absolutely not. No way.”

“Dad, I already made my decision.”

“I don’t care what decision you think you’ve made, I said no.”

“Nigel, calm down.”

Nigel stopped pacing the floor to look over at Kathryn, who was now sitting alone on the couch. “I’m as calm as I’m going to be, Kathryn. This is absolutely ridiculous. Going to see that _boy.”_ The hatred was more clear with every word he spoke.

“I agree with Dad,” Martyn chimed in from a chair across the room. “There’s nothing good that can come from this.”

“You don’t know that,” Phil replied quietly.

Dan, who had been silently sitting beside Phil on the loveseat, could tell that Phil was starting to lose the confidence he had built up since telling his family about his meeting Kevin. He was looking away more, staring down at the ground or blankly ahead at the wall, instead of making eye contact. His shoulders were hunching, and his voice was less sure.

“Dear, we just don’t understand,” Kathryn said. Dan knew she was trying hard to remain calm and collected. Her voice was soft, and filled with a love that only a caring mother could have. “We saw… You went through so much with him, and when you came here, it wasn’t-” She cut herself off, taking in a deep and shaky breath. It was obvious that she was holding back tears.

“You were bruised and hurting,” Nigel finished. “ _He_ hurt you. For years, he hurt you, Phil. Do you want that to happen again?”

“They’re meeting in public,” Dan spoke up, knowing Phil was near the end of his fight. “And I’ll be there. They won’t be alone.”

“You’re okay with this?” Martyn asked.

Dan paused, then shook his head. “No, not really. I’ve had a bit more time to adjust to the idea though. It’s not… It’s not up to me, what Phil decides. If he needs to do this, then he needs to do it. I- I’ll be there though. He won’t be alone.”

He hoped Phil heard him. He hoped Phil heard the words he said, and that it somehow helped him to gain a bit of his confidence back.

Nigel put his hands on his hips. “Damn right he won’t be alone,” he said. “I’m going too.”

Phil’s head shot up to look at Nigel. “Dad, no.”

“Me too,” Martyn said.

Phil brought his hands up to his face and groaned. Dan could see that his breathing was becoming erratic and he knew he was nearing a panic attack.

Dan leaned forward, putting an arm on Phil’s back and gently rubbing up and down. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Remember your breathing, alright? Slowly in… and out. Again, in… and out.”

The rest of the room fell silent as Dan helped Phil. He made sure he rubbed Phil’s back at the same pace as the breaths he took.

Which each breath in, he slowly moved his hand up Phil’s back, then he would pause, and slowly move it back down as Phil exhaled.

They stayed this way for a couple of minutes, letting themselves forget anyone else was in the room.

When Phil’s breathing finally returned to normal, Dan moved his hand away and Phil wiped his eyes and looked back up at his family.

“I’m sorry,” he said, noticing that his dad was sitting back down on the couch. All of the anger that had been present on Nigel’s face was gone, replaced with concern.

“Don’t be sorry, Child,” Kathryn replied. “I’m going to go make you some tea.”

Before he had a chance to decline, she was up and leaving the room.

“I- I know you want to keep me safe,” Phil said, “and I’m thankful for that, but I- I can’t have everyone there. It would be too much. Please, _please,_ let me do this.”

Nigel sighed. “You know I just worry about you, right? I don’t want you getting hurt again.”

Phil nodded. “I know.”

“Okay. I won’t go, but I’d like for you to let your brother drive you.”

“Dad-”

“He will stay out in the car,” Nigel continued, looking over at Martyn. “Won’t you, Martyn?”

Martyn didn’t look too happy, but he agreed. “Yeah, I’ll stay in the car.”

“It would simply make me feel better if you had a proper ride home and you weren’t stuck wherever you’re going until a car arrives. That alright?”

“Yeah,” Phil replied. “Yeah, that’s alright.”

The next day, Dan sat in the back of a coffee shop alone, watching as Phil sat down with two drinks at a table near the front. He was far enough away that Kevin probably wouldn’t notice him, but close enough to see if he needed to step in.

After their argument those weeks ago, Phil had told him that he wanted Dan to be in the room with him, but he still needed to do this alone. He needed to speak with Kevin by himself.

As much as Dan hated the thought, it wasn’t his decision to make.

So, with anxiety, dread, and fear coursing through him, he waited for Kevin to arrive.

It wasn’t like he’d never seen him before. Kevin had made appearances in Phil’s videos over the years. His face was engraved in Dan's mind.

And he imagined hitting that face repeatedly with a baseball bat.

Phil took in a deep breath, staring out the glass door so he’d know when Kevin arrived.

He had ordered them both a coffee, more to save time than anything else.

He felt like he was going to throw up.

He hadn’t been eating as much the last couple of weeks, and his anxiety had gotten a bit worse too.

A few times, he thought he’d have to cancel, but his desire to talk to Kevin was stronger than any fears he had.

So, he and Dan spent many nights on the couch. Dan would let Phil talk about anything and everything. Sometimes he’d make no sense at all, but they’d stay up together until the sun rose and exhaustion forced Phil to sleep.

On nights they weren’t on the couch, they usually ended up in one another’s bed.

Sometimes, Phil wasn’t the one with the anxiety. It would be Dan coming into his room, telling him to scoot over and, once Phil did, he’d get into bed. A few minutes later Dan would whine and tell him to put socks on his “cold as fuck” feet, and Phil would laugh because Dan was always so cute when he was whiny.

Phil hadn’t realized he was daydreaming until the door chimed and he looked over to see Kevin standing there.

It didn’t take long for Kevin to spot him, and he walked over with the same quick and quiet feet he always had.

Phil’s heart barely even had time to race before Kevin was sitting down.

“Hi,” he greeted, giving Phil a small, sheepish smile.

“Hi,” Phil replied, his voice monotone.

“Thanks, um, for the coffee,” Kevin said, looking down at the green, ceramic cup. “Just how I like it.”

“Well, I did spend eight years making it for you.”

Kevin nodded, picking up the cup and taking a sip.

“What did you want to talk about?” Phil asked.

Kevin set down his cup and huffed out a laugh. “Right to the point, I see. First, I just wanted to say thank you for talking to me at all. I wasn’t sure I’d hear back from you, so I was surprised when I did.”

“Mhm.”

“I know we… I know we didn’t leave things on a very good note or anything-”

“You held a knife to me as I left,” Phil reminded him.

“Yeah, I- I wasn’t thinking. I was just angry, you know? Upset or whatever.” He cleared his throat, looking around the room before turning his attention back to Phil. “I’ve made a lot of changes,” he said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table. “I’m different now. I don’t drink anymore, and I haven’t been with a single person since you left.”

Phil raised an eyebrow, silently questioning him.

Kevin sighed. “Okay, I’ve been with a few people. But only at the beginning. It’s been a couple of months now, and I’ve really changed.”

Phil shook his head. “What does that have to do with me?” He asked with a shrug.

“I- Well, I want you to come back. I want us to be together again.” He reached out his hands for Phil to take. Phil looked down at them, then back up into his eyes.

Eye contact was important. That’s what he needed to remember right now.

When Phil didn’t take his hands, Kevin pulled back. “I’ve really made changes, Phil. I don’t know what else to do.”

Phil reached out, wrapping his hands around his cup. He didn’t take a sip of the coffee, he just needed to feel the warmth.

“I’ve been making changes too,” Phil replied. “Lots of them.”

“That’s great!” Kevin said in a hopeful tone. “We’re both figuring stuff out to be better people. We’re on the same page then.”

Phil shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Kevin, I’m sure you know by now that I live with Dan?”

Kevin slouched in his seat, turning his head to the side to look out the window. “Not much of a secret,” he replied.

“Well, the other day, we got into a fight. A fight about you, actually. He had told me to block you and get a new number after you started texting, but I didn’t listen to him.”

The story seemed to grab Kevin’s attention, and he slowly returned his gaze back to Phil.

“The fight lasted days,” Phil continued. “We both yelled, and said things we didn’t mean, but… but I was never, not for one second, scared. I was _sad,_ because I hated that we were fighting, but I wasn’t scared.”

“What’s the point of this Phil?” Kevin asked.

Phil smiled. “The point is, I don’t remember a single time in the last eight years where a fight with another man hasn’t terrified me. Every time you raised your voice, I knew what was coming. And I knew it would be so much worse if I yelled back. I still did sometimes, and I paid for it, but I didn’t even think about that with him. We just fought. And it might sound stupid, but it was one of the best moments of my life.”

“So, what? You’re with him now or something?”

Phil shook his head. “No. We’re friends-”

“Then it’s different,” Kevin tried to explain. “It’s different when it’s boyfriends than when it’s just two _pals_ sharing a space.”

“No,” Phil replied. “No, it’s not. I can trust him, Kevin. I can trust that when he says he’ll be there for me, he’ll be there. I don’t have to worry about promises being broken. And, if one day a promise is broken, I know it won't be on purpose. I lo-” Phil stopped himself, realizing what he was about to say. Not only was it something he didn’t want Kevin to know, it was also something he was just figuring out himself. “I like not having to worry anymore. Sometimes, my brain still makes me think I need to worry, but I don’t. Not when I’m with him.”

“So you are _with_ him then?”

“No,” Phil repeated.

“It’s not like I’d tell anyone,” Kevin said with an eyeroll. “No one would believe me anyway.”

“None of this is the point, Kev.”

“The point is you’re comparing me to someone else,” Kevin spat out in a quiet but harsh tone. 

Phil moved back slightly, taking in a deep breath and letting himself remember that Dan was here. He was in the room, watching, and he could be over the second Phil gave him the smallest glance.

Remembering that gave him the confidence he needed to continue. “I’m not comparing you,” he replied, making sure he stared straight into Kevin’s eyes. “There’s nothing there to compare. I’m comparing how I was with you versus how I am now, and I wouldn’t change who I am now for anyone, especially you. _I_ am happy. I am happy with my life, my family, my career, my home, and the people I associate myself with.”

Kevin shook his head, reaching up and holding onto his coffee cup. “I always knew I needed to worry about that _Dan_ guy. From the second I saw that video at the convention you went to, I knew it.”

“Kevin, if you would have been a good, decent person, you never would have had to worry. I’m not the one who ever cheated, _you_ did. But, you never were a good and decent person, and I shouldn’t have been with you to begin with.”

“Where the fuck is this coming from?” Kevin asked.

“From the fact that you’re holding onto that cup so tight that I’m surprised it hasn't broken yet. From the fact that if we weren’t in public, I’d probably already have a bruise forming somewhere on my body. From the fact that I can smell the alcohol on your breath, and it makes me so goddamn mad that it took eight years for me to see you’ve always been a fucking liar and that will never change.”

“You know what, Phil, I don’t need this,” Kevin said, pushing his chair back so he could stand. “I came here to give you another fucking chance, but it’s not worth it. Have a great life in whatever perfect little world you live in now.”

“Thank you. I will,” Phil replied as Kevin got up and walked away.

He sat there while Kevin left out of the coffee shop, the door swinging open harshly as he stomped away.

A few seconds later, a gentle hand was placed on his back and he closed his eyes at the touch.

“You okay?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded. “Ready to go home?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Dan wished he was with Phil right now.

Kathryn had set him up in their den on a pull out couch, even though both he and Phil had said they didn’t mind sharing a room. She meant well, wanting Dan to be able to have his own room, but he really wanted to be close to Phil.

The day had been long, and Phil had been overly-happy since they left the coffee shop. Dan knew he was trying way too hard to act like everything was fine, and he also knew everything _wasn’t_ fine.

But Phil had gone to bed, giving everyone a happy goodnight, and leaving Dan alone with his thoughts.

And Dan had a lot of thoughts.

The first thing he had wanted to do the second Kevin walked in the door was protect Phil. He wanted to make himself a barrier between the two, so he knew that Phil wouldn’t get hurt.

And then he wanted to shove his face into a wall, maybe beat him up a little. He had to keep reminding himself that, not only was Kevin far more muscular than him, but hurting him wouldn’t do any good. This was something Phil needed to do alone, and Dan had to respect that.

He sighed, trying to clear his mind. For all he knew, Phil was sound asleep already. Maybe he had been overthinking things. Maybe Dan was the one with the issue and Phil really was fi-

His phone vibrating interrupted his thoughts and he unlocked it to see a text from Phil.

_Phil_

Come here, please.

Dan was sure he had never moved so fast in his life as he did going from the den to Phil’s room.

He gently knocked on the door two times before slowly opening it.

The lamp on the nightstand was on, dimly lighting the room.

Phil was lying in bed, facing away from the door. He was wrapped up in covers and, if it weren’t for the fact he was sniffing every couple of seconds, Dan would’ve thought he was asleep.

“Phil?” He said softly, letting him know he was in the room.

Phil pulled a hand out from under the covers and patted the spot beside him.

Dan walked over to the bed, climbed up on it, and lied down, turning on his side to face Phil.

Phil’s eyes were closed, but tears were pouring out from them. He was taking in short, sharp breaths.

“I feel so s- stupid,” he cried as Dan moved closer, wrapping an arm around Phil’s waist.

“No,” Dan replied quickly. “No, you’re not stupid. Why would you think that?”

“Cause, I d- don’t understand,” he said, wiping the tears from his face.

“Let’s just breathe for a second, okay?” Dan said. He rubbed up and down Phil’s back as Phil took in shaky breaths.

He cried for a few minutes longer, but finally calmed down enough to open his eyes and take proper breaths.

“What don’t you understand?” Dan asked.

“I don’t get wh- why he always hurt me. I don’t under… understand the reason. I wanted to ask him today, but I- I didn’t. I don’t get it.”

“Phil, I… I don’t think you’ll ever understand that,” Dan replied, wishing he had a better answer. “There’s no reason for it. No matter what he’d ever say, there’s no reason. No excuse.”

“I know I didn’t do anything wrong,” Phil said, wiping more tears away. He wasn’t crying as hard anymore, but occasionally a tear would fall. “I know that now. I- I know I didn’t deserve it. I just… I hate not having a reason. Almost a decade of my life was wasted f- for no reason.”

“Come here,” Dan said, pulling Phil closer to him. He laid on his back, letting Phil rest his head on Dan’s chest. Dan kept one hand on Phil’s back, while running his other hand through Phil’s hair.

Phil held onto him tight, like Dan was a life preserver keeping him from drowning.

“That time wasn’t a waste, Phil. You went through a lot of terrible things you never should have had to go through, but that time still wasn’t a waste. Please, don’t ever think that.”

“I’m just… I’m so tired, Dan. My brain feels tired.”

“I know,” Dan replied. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the top of Phil’s head. “You can go to sleep. I’ll be here.”

“Can we… When we get home, can we do nothing for like a month? Just you and me and the TV?”

“You mean you want to do the same exact thing we always do?” Dan joked. “That sounds like a perfect plan.”

Phil laughed, and God how Dan loved that sound.

Phil gave Dan a squeeze as he closed his eyes and began to let himself rest. “I love you, Dan,” he mumbled as he started to drift off.

Dan smiled, wrapping both of his arms around Phil and closing his eyes. “I love you too, Phil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter, guys! I know you didn't get the "Dan beating up Kevin" moment you wanted, but maybe this'll do! ;)
> 
> Thank you all for reading and commenting! I hope you have a happy holiday!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	21. Murder Lake

Dan woke up feeling warm, regardless of the fact that he didn’t have any covers over him.

Phil’s head was still resting on his chest, his body pressed up against Dan’s with an arm around his waist.

Dan was still holding him, unsure of how he had managed to remain in that position all night.

He didn’t think about it too long though, since it didn’t truly matter. Instead, he held Phil a little tighter, wishing a simple hug could take all of his pain away.

He wanted to help Phil anyway he could, because Phil was the best person he had ever met. Dan felt so lucky to be able to call him his best friend. 

He had watched Phil’s videos for years, eventually starting his own YouTube channel because Phil looked like he had so much fun doing it.

And then they met at a convention all those years ago, and they became friends so fast that Dan hardly had any time to be starstruck.

It broke his heart when Phil stopped texting him. He wondered if he had done something wrong, or said something he shouldn’t have said. He had no idea why the texts stopped coming.

He had a sense that something was wrong. The things that Phil would sometimes text him, they weren’t like his internet persona. He often thought about traveling far away. Sometimes they’d have full discussions about where they would go, what they would do, and where they would stay. Something about Phil just seemed sad and lonely, no matter how positive he tried to remain.

But when they stopped texting, there was nothing Dan could do. Phil was never seen at public events, and he had no non-creepy way of getting in touch with him, so he didn’t. He thought that was just the end. 

And then Phil reappeared, and Dan couldn’t stop himself from going up to him. He couldn’t stop himself from inviting Phil to his hotel room for food and TV, because he had missed him. For years he had missed Phil’s presence in his life, and he had hoped that one day he’d get it back.

Even with his suspicions, at that time he had no idea what Phil had been through. No idea the pain and horror that Phil had dealt with for years.

It broke his heart. It broke his heart to know that maybe he could have done something sooner. Maybe, if he would have contacted him through one of his slightly-creepy ways then he could have gotten through to him and Phil would have been out of that situation earlier.

Phil was honestly an amazing person, and Dan felt like he could burst when he thought about a possible future with him as more than friends.

Even if that future didn’t happen, he’d spend forever by Phil’s side as his best friend if he had to. He just knew he wanted to be with him, and it didn’t matter how.

 

Eventually, Dan had to get up. No matter how much he wanted to stay in bed, his bladder wanted him to go to the bathroom.

He slowly untangled himself from Phil, managing to scoot to the edge of the bed and sit up before Phil started to move.

“What’re you doin’?” Phil asked sleepily.

Dan looked back at him to see his eyes still closed. 

“I’m going to the toilet,” Dan whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

“Time’s it?”

“A little after nine. It’s still early. Sleep.”

By the time Dan stood up and walked to the door, Phil’s breathing had once again evened out. Dan couldn’t help but smile as he looked at Phil lying there, his mouth open slightly, holding onto the pillow that Dan had previously been laying on.

Dan slowly turned the doorknob, trying to be as quiet as possible as he opened the door and left the room.

Once he had stepped out into the hall, he closed it back, sighing in relief when it didn’t make any loud squeaking noises.

“G’morning,” A voice spoke from behind him, making him jump.

He turned around quickly to see Nigel standing there, wrapped up in a robe with the newspaper in his hands.

“Good morning,” Dan replied politely. “How are you, Mr. Lester?”

“I’m good. Would you like some coffee?”

“I, um, yes, I would,” Dan replied awkwardly. “I just need to, um…” His voice trailed off as he pointed to the bathroom door. He felt ridiculous. There was no reason for him to be embarrassed, but he was. He knew what this had to look like, and he didn’t want Nigel to think poorly of him.

“Alright. It should be done in a few minutes. Come into the dining room when you’re finished.”

 

A few minutes later, Dan was heading to the dining room with sweaty palms and a racing heart.

Nigel was already seated at the table, a cup of coffee in front of him and the paper open in his hands.

There was another cup of coffee set in front of the chair to his right, with cream and sugar for Dan to add.

Nigel looked up from the paper when he noticed Dan standing there. “Come along. Have a seat.”

Dan walked over to the chair and sat down. 

“Add what you like,” Nigel told him. “I wasn’t sure how you take your coffee.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Dan replied, picking up the cream and pouring some into his cup.

“Nigel is fine, Son,” he said. “Neither Kathryn nor myself are very formal people.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Nigel folded down the paper, trying to hide the smirk that was forming on his face. “I have to say,” he began, setting the paper to the side and folding his hands on the table, “you are very good for Phil. I was wary, when Phil moved in with you. It’s hard not to be after finding out about his past. But I’m not anymore.”

“We- Phil and I are friends,” Dan said, looking back and forth from Nigel to his cup of coffee. 

Nigel nodded. “Yes. For now anyway.”

“I-”

“I don’t mean to presume anything about you,” Nigel added as though he were scolding himself. “Kathryn warned me I should stop doing that. It’s simply hard not to notice what’s very clearly there.”

“You… You’re not presuming,” Dan replied. He just wanted his heart to stop beating so damn fast. He felt like he was waiting on Nigel’s blessing to marry Phil or something, and having that thought only made his heart beat faster.

“Yes, well, I still shouldn’t have been so forward.”

Dan smiled slightly. “You really haven’t met forward until you’ve spoken with my family. You’re fine, really.”

“Okay. I’m glad that’s settled then. I just wanted to thank you for being in my son’s life. It seemed to be perfect timing, and I’m thankful for that.”

“I-” Dan paused, trying to find the right words. “I’m actually more thankful that he’s in _my_ life, to be honest. I feel he’s better for me than I am for him. I’ve never really met someone who understands me the way he does. Even when Phil doesn’t know how I’m feeling, or why I’m feeling that way, he’ll do what he can to make me feel better.” Dan wasn’t sure why he was spilling his guts to Phil’s dad, of all people, but now that he started, he couldn’t seem to stop. “Phil’s just a calm presence to be around. I get tired of people easily, and I like to be alone, but I never get tired of being with him, you know? Now that Phil’s a part of my life, I can’t imagine him not being there. I don’t  _ want _ to imagine him not being there.”

“Maybe it’s not that he’s better for you, or you’re better for him,” Nigel replied. “Maybe you’re just good for each other.”

Dan smiled. “Yeah, I think so.”

Nigel went to pick up his paper, but paused. “You love him,” he said, and it was more of a statement than a question.

Dan took a deep breath. “Yeah, I do.”

 

They had spent the day watching movies with the Lester’s. Kathryn, Nigel, and Martyn were all on the couch, while Dan and Phil took the loveseat.

At one point, Phil ended up lying down, resting his head on Dan’s lap.

Dan didn’t think anything of it, immediately beginning to run his fingers through Phil’s hair.

They did it so often at home, it was like second nature now.

Dan didn’t even really realize he was doing it until he looked over and saw Martyn looking back, a smirk on his face.

Dan didn’t stop his movements, but he did straighten up a bit, becoming more aware of the fact he and Phil weren’t alone.

Once the third movie had ended, Kathryn got up to fix dinner, pulling Nigel up to help her.

Martyn went upstairs to call Cornelia and make sure she’d still be arriving later that night, leaving Dan and Phil alone in the living room.

“Would you like to take a walk?” Phil asked. “I mean, I know you don’t like too much movement, but this walk promises a view.”

“Harsh, Phil, harsh. But, yeah, that sounds nice.”

“Okay,” he said, standing up, “get your coat and shoes.”

“Yes, Mum.”

As Dan went to get his shoes, Phil called out to his parents. “Dan and I are going for a walk!”

“Supper will be ready in an hour!” Kathryn called back.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Phil got his coat off of the coat rack and slipped on his shoes, then waited for Dan to come out of the den.

“Do you think this’ll keep me warm enough?” Dan asked, coming out with an extra jumper and a coat on.

“How cold do you expect this walk to be?” Phil asked with a smile.

“Hey, I’m used to ten minutes walks through London to pick up food from places that won’t deliver.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Yes, you will be warm enough,” he replied. 

They headed out and began walking down the street, through the quaint neighborhood. “This is the neighborhood you grew up in, right?” Dan asked.

“Yes, it is.”

“It’s lovely.”

Phil nodded. “I like it. Cut through there,” he said, pointing to a lot filled with trees. There was only a tiny space to walk through, causing Dan to look back at him suspiciously.

“Are you serious?” He asked.

“I told you this walk would have a view.”

“I thought you were talking about yourself,” Dan replied with a smile.

Phil snorted. “Oh, shut up. Go through the path, Howell.”

Dan sighed, but turned back to the path and began to make his way through. “I swear, if I step on a dead body, I’ll never forgive you.”

“But what if there’s like a million pound reward for finding that specific body?”

Dan paused. “Then I  _ might _ forgive you. But I get to keep the money.”

“Hey! I’d have to see the body too!”

“I stepped on it!”

“Fifty-fifty,” Phil bargained.

“Eighty-twenty,” Dan replied.

“Sixty-five, thirty-five?”

“Hm… Okay, deal.”

“Great. If we happen upon a dead body that’s worth one million pounds, we still get to be friends and we both get a share of the money. Now go left.”

“Yes, Sir.”

 

After a few more turns, and even more whining from Dan, they reached the spot Phil had been leading them to.

It was a lake, surrounded by trees. Just beyond the trees were hills. They could barely be seen, but it was beautiful nonetheless. There was a log on the ground, just long enough for two or three people to sit on, that Phil walked over to and patted the spot beside him.

“My brother and I pushed this to this spot when we were kids,” he explained as Dan sat down beside him. “When we were younger, we’d come out here and play games. Then, as we got older, he’d bring girls here and I’d bring video equipment and make films.”

“That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard,” Dan said with a smile. He looked around, imagining a young Phil coming back here and filming stories. “Do you still have any of those videos?”

“I might have one or two at the house in the attic,” he replied.

“We need to find them and watch them.”

“They’re terrible.”

“AmazingPhil doesn’t make terrible content,” Dan said, gently nudging Phil with his shoulder.

Phil smiled at him. “He did as a lonely twelve year old,” he replied, nudging Dan back.

Dan looked around at the view. The trees, with their leaves gone. The lake, with gentle waves matching the slight wind in the air. The hills in the distance, looking slightly foggy with the cloudy weather. “It really is beautiful out here,” Dan said. 

“I think so too.”

“You know…” Dan started before his voice trailed off.

“What?” Phil asked.

“You know there has to be at least one dead body in that lake.”

Phil groaned, throwing his head back with a laugh.  _ “Dan!”  _ He whined.

“What?! I’m just saying, this place is beautiful but it’s sketchy as fuck!”

“No, it’s not. It’s just pretty. We’re not thinking about the potential body count, okay?”

“Okay, okay… So, Lester?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you ever bring anyone out here, like your brother?”

Phil looked over at him with a smile. “To the murder lake?” He asked.

“Mhm,” Dan said, smiling back.

Phil shook his head. “No. I mean, I did bring a girl back here once, but I just needed her for a scene in a movie I was making.”

“Did she know that?” Dan asked, already cringing.

“I guess our lines got crossed,” he replied. “She was a good sport, but she didn’t particularly enjoy nearly falling over when I backed away from her trying to kiss me.”

“Oh, Phil,” Dan said, shaking his head. “Precious, Phil.” He reached over and patted Phil’s hand with his own, before returning it to his coat pocket.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Phil reached back out to Dan, opening his shaky hand, hoping Dan would take it.

Dan looked down at his hand, then up at him, then back down to the hand, before catching on. He pulled his hand back out of his coat pocket and held onto Phil, intertwining their fingers and resting their hands on Phil’s leg.

“Are you excited for your birthday tomorrow?” Dan asked, trying to ignore his racing heart.

“I am,” Phil said, trying to stop himself from shaking more than he already was. “Though I’m more excited for the day after, to be honest.”

“Why’s that?”

“That’s when we go back home,” he said, looking over at Dan. “I like being home with you.”

Now Dan felt like his heart might actually explode. He couldn’t look away from Phil; he didn’t want to risk breaking the moment. He didn’t want to lose whatever this was. He wanted to stay right here forever. “I like being home with you too,” he said softly.

Phil took a deep breath. “C- Can I kiss you?” He asked nervously.

Dan, unable to find proper words, simply nodded.

Then there was a hand on Dan’s cheek, cold but somehow so warm at the same time. And Phil’s lips met his and if Dan didn’t want the moment to end before, he definitely didn’t want it to end now.

He couldn’t hardly think. Phil’s lips were so soft, and it made Dan feel tingly all over. Even his fingertips felt like they were being filled with electricity. 

For a moment he wished he had put chapstick on this morning, then he realized that wasn’t important right now.

Dan brought his hand up to Phil’s cheek, gently rubbing his thumb up and down over the soft skin as he pressed their mouths closer together.

It felt like a lifetime, but somehow not long enough, when they pulled away from each other.

Both of their chests were heaving, and they were both blushing.

Phil couldn’t help but smile, biting his bottom lip as he rested his forehead against Dan’s. “That was, um… Thank you,” he said. His whole body felt like it was on fire, but it was the best feeling in the world.

Dan laughed. “Thank _you,”_ he replied, his hand still on Phil’s cheek, thumb still brushing over that one spot. It was like he couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t let go of Phil, afraid that if he did he’d wake up and this wouldn’t be real.

“Can I kiss you again?” Dan asked, closing his eyes to the world around him.

He felt Phil nod against him, so he leaned in and kissed him again and, for the moment, nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!! Let me know what you thought ;)  
> Thank you all for the kind messages on here and tumblr!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	22. Birthday

“The Smith’s want to come over next week and visit,” Kathryn said as they all sat around the table for dinner.

“Who are the Smith’s?” Nigel asked.

“You know good and well who the Smith’s are.”

“Oh, sure. The most common last name in the world and I’m supposed to know who you’re speaking of.”

Kathryn sighed. “We met them last year at the shop. You almost knocked over an entire display and they saw.”

“Oh, yes… _Them.”_

“Don’t say it like that! They’re nice people.”

“He’s got a bit of an odd laugh.”

“Have you ever heard your laugh, Dad?” Martyn asked with a grin.

“Oh, think we’re funny, do we?” Nigel said as Kathryn laughed. “Phil, you’re on my side, right?”

When Phil didn’t respond, they looked over at him. He had a smile on his face, staring across the table at Dan, who was giving him a shy smile back. 

“Phil?” Nigel repeated.

Martyn reached over, snapping his fingers in front of Phil’s face, breaking both him and Dan out of their trance. 

“What?” Phil asked, jumping slightly.

“Nevermind,” Nigel replied, waving him off. “Good Lord, all my children have turned their backs on me.”

By the time Nigel had finished his sentence, Phil was already looking back at Dan, a blush rising on his cheeks as Dan gave him a dimply smile. 

 

“You two are sickening,” Martyn said as he and Phil washed and dried the dishes. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Oh, please. You two were eye-kissing all through dinner. Almost made me throw up my potatoes.”

“Eye-kissing?” Phil asked with a judgmental glance.

“Well, it’s obviously a new development. But if you were eye-” he paused, looking around the room before adding with a whisper,  _ “fucking,  _ then I really don’t want to know what you did out in the woods.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Oh, shut up. We didn’t do anything.”

Martyn snorted. “So you just like playing footsie with me then?”

“That was you?” Phil asked, his eyes widening. 

“Unfortunately, yes.”

Phil sighed, dropping a dish back into the sink and rinsing off his hands. “We kissed,” he admitted.

Martyn smiled. “It’s about time. Congrats!”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Yeah, it is. You two are disgusting, but in a really cute way. I’m happy for you.”

Phil returned to washing the dishes, biting at his bottom lip to try and contain his smile. “I’m happy too.”

 

“I had a good day,” Dan whispered. He and Phil were on Phil’s bed, lying side by side, staring at one another. They’re hands were wrapped up together between them on the bed, and they had been smiling and laughing and talking for nearly half an hour.

Phil felt like a teenager, sneaking a boy into his house and trying to be quiet so his parents wouldn’t hear. It was something he never actually did through school, but doing it now still made him feel young again.

“I did too,” Phil replied, giving Dan’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I, um, I think I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. Kiss you, I mean.”

Dan smiled. “I’ve wanted to too.”

“I… Even years ago, when we could only text each other, I- even back then, I think if-”

“I know,” Dan replied. He knew exactly how Phil felt, and how difficult it would be to actually admit. Phil didn’t need to say it, because Dan knew what he meant. He always knew what Phil meant, even if Phil didn’t know himself.

“Does this mean you’ll go on a date with me again?” Phil asked. “My treat this time.”

“Of course I will.” Dan looked down at their hands, taking his fingers and running them over Phil’s palm. “Where will you take me?”

Phil shook his head. “Oh, no. No hints from me, Howell. If the last date was a surprise by you, this one is a surprise by me.”

“Should have seen that one coming,” Dan said with a laugh.

They were silent for a moment, enjoying each other’s company without having to say a word.

Phil watched as Dan’s thumb brushed back and forth over his hand. It was the simplest gesture, but it made Phil feel like he could burst. 

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“What do we… What should we call this? Us, I mean.”

“Well,” Dan moved his foot closer to Phil’s, nudging him with his socked toe until there was a place for him to slip his foot between Phil’s ankles, “We’re dating, right?”

Phil nodded.

“Boyfriends, then?”

“I like that,” Phil replied.

“I kind of like best friend more though,” Dan continued. “I mean, when I think of you… You’re my best friend. I think that’s the most important thing.”

“I do too,” Phil agreed.

“So, best friends first, then everything else is a bonus?” Dan asked.

Phil smiled. “Best friends plus.”

“Oh, I like it!” Dan said with a laugh.

“And we can… We can take things slow, right? I mean, I know we already live together, but still.”

“Of course,” Dan agreed. “I think that’s important too.”

“Good.” Phil stared at Dan, only the soft glow of the lamp shining on his face. His chocolate brown eyes, his dimples, and his warm skin making Phil feel more at ease than he knew possible. “Can I kiss you?” He asked quietly.

“You don’t ever have to ask,” Dan said. He moved in closer, gently pressing their lips together. They didn’t take it further than that; no tongues, no grasping at each other, no ripping off clothes. Just a soft kiss, hands resting on one another’s waist, pulling away once they needed air.

“Tired?” Dan asked, taking note of Phil’s drooping eyes. 

“Little bit.”

Dan reached back and turned off the lamp, then laid on his back. He tugged on Phil’s shirt until Phil’s head was resting on his chest. 

“I like laying like this,” he said once Phil was settled.

“I don’t squish you?”

“Never,” Dan replied, running his fingers through Phil’s hair. 

“Good. I like laying like this too.”

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil, holding him as close as he could. “Goodnight, Phil.”

“Goodnight, Dan.”

 

Phil woke up the next morning to someone bopping his nose. 

He scrunched up his face and opened his eyes to see Dan staring back at him.

“Morning, Sleepyhead.”

“Did you bop my nose?” Phil asked, reaching up and rubbing it.

“More of a tap, really. Happy birthday, Philly.”

Phil smiled, turning onto his back so he could stretch. “Thank you.”

“Feel like the old man that you are?”

“Hey! I’m only 29. It’s not  _ that  _ old.”

“Older than me,” Dan said. He moved onto his side, resting his head in his hand to prop himself up a bit. “Tell me, Philip, how is it being nearly thirty? I won’t know for another four and a half years.”

“Did you wake me up just to tell me I’m old?” Phil asked, looking over at Dan with a smirk.

“Not  _ just  _ for that reason. I’d been awake for half an hour and I got tired of watching you sleep.”

“You’ve been watching me sleep for half an hour?”

“On and off. But you’re so cute it was hard to not watch.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Phil replied, shaking his head. 

“Can’t help it.”

Phil sighed contentedly. He looked over at Dan, reaching a hand up to brush away some of the hair over his forehead. “Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“I-”

“Phil!” Kathryn interrupted, knocking on the door. “Phil, are you awake?”

“Um, yes. Yes, Mum,” he replied, moving his hand back like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t. 

“Good. I’ve made breakfast. Come eat before it gets cold.”

“Yes, Mum.”

Dan grinned as they listened to her move away from the door. “Time to get up,” he said, poking Phil’s shoulder.

Phil groaned. He grabbed onto Dan’s hand and pulled him down until Dan was lying back down beside him. “Don’t wanna,” he said. “Too comfy.”

“Breakfast is waiting,” Dan reminded him. “If we don’t get up she’ll come back. Plus, it smells delicious." He leaned over and gave Phil a small peck on the lips before climbing out of bed.

“You’re leaving me for scones?” 

“It’s scones?!” Dan asked, his eyes widening.

Phil nodded. “That was always my birthday breakfast.”

“Then, yes, I’m leaving you for scones,” he replied, turning the doorknob. “Don’t fall back asleep. Your birthday isn’t allowed to be wasted.”

 

The day was spent with the entire Lester family. 

After breakfast, everyone sat in the living room and watched movies until lunch.

For lunch, everyone fixed themselves some sandwiches, after promising Kathryn they wouldn’t be too full to go out for dinner.

Later on in the afternoon, they went to an escape room, which was Martyn and Cornelia’s gift to Phil. They all agreed in the end that the real gift was Kathryn screaming when she couldn’t get over laser beams in time and Nigel running back to “save her.” Dan was pretty sure he had never laughed so hard in his life.

They went out to dinner afterward. Dan and Phil sat side by side, and Phil couldn’t help himself if he reached over halfway through and took Dan’s hand in his. It didn’t matter to either of them that they had to use their non-dominant hand to eat. All that mattered to them was that they were together, and happy.

When they got back to the house, it was time for cake and presents.

His parents got him some clothes, along with movies and video games they remembered him having before but leaving behind when he left Kevin.

He opened Dan’s present last. 

“Hopefully you’ll like it. I think it’s nice,” Dan said, handing him the gift.

“I’m sure I’ll love it.”

He opened it up, finding a picture frame inside. Engraved on the frame was  _ Happy 3 Million! _ and the photograph was a screenshot from Phil's channel when he first started. There was only one video uploaded, and he had under 20 subscribers.

“This is incredible,” he said with a smile. “I- How did you get a screenshot of this?”

Dan shrugged. “I have my ways. You needed something special for the milestone.”

“We celebrated the day I got to three million. You didn’t have to do all this.”

“The two of you celebrated at home?” Cornelia asked.

Phil nodded. “I came home to a cake and confetti everywhere and we played Mario Kart with party hats on.”

“You two are actually the biggest nerds in the world,” Martyn said, earning him a shove on the shoulder from Cornelia.

“I think that’s very sweet.”

“Me too,” Phil agreed. “Thank you, Dan.”

“You’re welcome, Phil.”

 

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Dan and Phil headed into Phil’s room to have their new nightly ritual of talking, kissing, and falling asleep.

A few minutes into the kissing part, Dan pulled away.

“What’s the matter?” Phil asked.

“Nothing,” Dan replied quickly. “I just forgot something. I’ll be right back.”

Before Phil had a chance to question him, Dan was gone. 

Phil laid back on the bed, taking a deep breath, and thinking about the last couple of days.

He honestly hadn’t expected to kiss Dan on this trip. It was something he just felt the need to do in that moment. 

He was pretty sure it was one of the best decisions of his life. 

The best part was that it didn’t make anything awkward between them. It wasn’t that they were suddenly different, or that they couldn’t be best friends anymore because they were also something more.

They were the same, with the lovely addition of being able to kiss, and hold hands, and feel that burning feeling in their chest when they looked at each other without having to repress it.

Phil kind of felt like he was floating. And maybe that was ridiculous. Maybe that feeling wouldn’t last forever. But he was enjoying it while it did.

Dan opening the door and coming back into the room brought Phil out of his thoughts.

“What’s that?” He asked, sitting up when he saw a wrapped gift in Dan’s hand.

“It’s your other gift. I didn’t want to give it to you in front of everyone.”

Dan sat down on the bed and handed the gift to Phil.

“You didn’t have to get me anything else,” Phil said, already unwrapping it.

“It’s not much. Just something little.”

Inside of a little box, Phil pulled out a silver keychain. 

_ It’s the courage to continue that counts  _ was inscribed on it in black writing.

“I know it’s cheesy,” Dan said when Phil continued staring down at it, “but I thought you might like to put it with your keys. Um, I just… I know it’s hard sometimes, after all you’ve been through, and I want- I wanted you to have a reminder that you’re strong and you do have courage. Like I said, it’s cheesy, but we’re cheesy, so-”

Phil cut him off with a kiss. It was so fast that Dan let out a little “humph” sound before he realized what was happening.

Phil brought a hand up to his cheek, briefly deepening the kiss before he pulled away.

“Damn,” Dan said, otherwise speechless.

Phil smiled. “I love it,” he said softly, rubbing his thumb over Dan’s cheek before sitting back down. “Thank you.”

“I’ll get you a new one every day if that’s what I get,” Dan replied, causing Phil to throw his head back with a laugh.

“You can have that without any gifts at all, Howell,” Phil said cheekily, putting his gift on the nightstand beside him before moving around to lay under the covers.

“Are you flirting with me, Lester?” Dan asked. He crawled over to the other side of the bed, getting under the covers himself. He turned off the lamp and moved closer to Phil, wrapping him up in his arms.

“Maybe,” Phil replied. “Are you accepting my flirtation?”

Dan couldn’t help but let out a snort. “I was until you asked if I was accepting your flirtation.”

They snuggled closer under the covers, even tangling their legs together for extra warmth and comfort. “Did you have a good birthday?” Dan asked.

Phil took a deep breath, then closed his eyes as he listened to the soothing sound of Dan’s heartbeat. “Best one yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure this chapter gave me cavities! I hope you all enjoyed. Let me know in the comments!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	23. Mutual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **SPOILERS**
> 
> Warning for those who need it:
> 
> There's a dream sequence in the beginning. Nothing graphic, but there is some name calling. It ends when italics does.  
> There are also mentions of sex, including sexual abuse, throughout the chapter.

_ The room surrounding them was dark.  _

_ Not just dark. _

_ Black. _

_ There was nothing around them. A black void wherever Phil turned. _

_ He was sitting on a chair, Kevin sitting opposite him. A round, wooden table was the only thing separating them. _

_ Kevin smiled at him. It wasn’t a warm smile. Wasn’t a happy one, or even a sad one.  _

_ It was evil.  _

_ “I knew it,” he said, leaning forward to place his hands on the table. “I always knew you’d run off with the first man that came your way. The first man that took a second look at you. I always said you were a whore. You denied it, but I knew.” _

_ Phil tried to speak, but he couldn’t. He’d open his mouth, but no words would come out. He couldn’t even scream. Couldn’t cry. _

_ “You really think it’ll last? I was the first person who ever paid attention to you, Phil! The first person who ever cared. And it wasn’t until Dan came along that you even had a second person to care. That’s what you do, Phil. You run from person to person that will give you the slightest bit of attention. That’s why you’re  _ AmazingPhil! _ It’s because you know you’re not. Because you can trick the people online who don’t know shit about who you really are.” _

_ Phil shook his head. He tried to close his eyes, tried to look away from Kevin, but he couldn’t. He was frozen in place. _

_ “You can try to run from me, Phil. You can try and run into another man’s arms. You know that’s all you’re doing.” He got up from the table and slowly walked over to Phil. He pushed the table back, causing it to screech on the floor, making Phil flinch at the noise.  _

_ Kevin stood in front of him, then slowly moved forward until he was straddling Phil’s lap.  _

_ He sat down, wrapping his arms around Phil’s shoulders. “I’ll always be here,” he said softly. His voice made Phil feel nauseous. “I’ll always be right here. The weight on your shoulders. The elephant in the room. Right in the back of your mind, waiting for you. No matter where you go, or what you do, I’ll be here.” He rested his forehead against Phil’s, closing his eyes. “You can’t run from me, Phil. You never could.” _

 

Phil jerked awake, his eyes wide and his chest heaving.

He looked around the room until he realized where he was. 

He was in his room. 

He was in his room, in his apartment, with Dan next to him.

He was safe.

He was home.

For some reason, those thoughts didn’t help much. They didn’t help calm his nerves, or take away the sickness in his stomach. 

He reached over and got his glasses off of the nightstand, then slowly got out of bed.

He made sure to be as quiet as possible on his way out of the room, so he wouldn’t wake Dan.

He went into the bathroom, turned on the light and shut the door. He leaned against the door and closed his eyes, taking in long, deep breaths to try and calm himself down.

No matter what he tried, he still felt ill. He knew that feeling too well, and he wished he hadn’t eaten a second serving of fettuccine alfredo tonight because it was all about to come up.

He took the three steps over to the toilet just in time, bending over and throwing up. 

The smell of it made him even more sick.

He flushed the toilet, dry heaving a few times before he knew it was safe to get up.

He rinsed his mouth out with water, then mouthwash, then brushed his teeth, and then used more mouthwash, before he left the bathroom to go out to the lounge.

He knew it was pointless to try and go back to sleep. Sometimes he could after those dreams, but not when he threw up. 

Tonight, he’d be staying in the lounge, watching TV until the sun rose. Watching TV until his body wouldn’t allow him to stay awake any longer.

 

He had been in the lounge for a few hours, watching reruns of Friends, when he heard his bedroom door creak open.

A few seconds later, Dan was sitting down beside him, wrapped up in a blanket. 

“Dreams again?” He asked. He already knew the answer, but he always asked anyway.

Phil nodded. 

“You okay now?”

“Better,” Phil replied simply, still not looking away from the TV.

“Need a drink, or crackers? Anything?”

“I’m okay,” Phil told him, glancing over at him with a small smile. It wasn’t much, but it was the best he could do right now. “You can go back to bed.”

“Too cold without you there,” Dan replied. He held out the blanket with his arm, waiting for Phil to scoot over so they could share it.

Phil took the hint, moving around so he was wrapped up in both Dan’s arms and the blanket. Dan leaned back into the couch as Phil rested his head just below Dan’s shoulder.

“I wish I could fix it,” Dan said, leaning down to place a kiss on top of Phil’s head.

“You do,” Phil replied, already feeling his eyes becoming heavier. “Just by being here, you do.”

 

“The dreams got worse once you and Dan got together, correct?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve seen that happen before. It happens a lot, actually. You two have been together for what, two months now?”

“A little over,” Phil replied.

Heather watched Phil for a moment as he stared down at his pants, picking at a loose thread on the seam. “We talked about this before, Phil,” she said. “Why are you so upset?”

He sighed. “I really thought… I thought that it would stop, after some time passed. I thought that being with him- moving on- I thought it would make everything better.”

“You know it doesn’t work like that,” she said, leaning back in her seat. “You’re not with Dan just to try and fix your past, are you?”

“No!” Phil exclaimed, quickly looking up at her. “God, no! I just… I don’t know.”

“Phil, when good things happen in our lives, it doesn’t immediately erase the bad things. Sometimes it can make the bad things seem less bad, but not always. It’s not like you lost your job and finally found another one. It’s years of physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. Being away from it doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly forget it. It’s how you react. It’s not letting it control you, and continuing to work on getting better. Which is what you’re doing.”

Phil took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He bit at his bottom lip, shaking his leg nervously. “It’s not… Um, it’s not just the dreams,” he admitted, looking away from her again.

“Okay. What else is it?”

“It’s, um, it’s embarrassing.”

“I can guarantee you it’s nothing I haven’t heard before, Phil. And if I haven’t heard it before, you’d never know it.”

He cracked his knuckles against his legs, a habit he had picked up from Dan. “I… It’s, uh, when we… When we get  _ intimate,  _ I- I can’t. Like, I want to, but then when we get close, I can’t.”

“You can’t get an erection?” She asked.

“No! I mean, yes. I mean, I- I can. It’s just when it comes to actually having…” His voice trailed off, as though he were afraid to say the word.

“You can say sex, Phil.”

Phil rolled his tense shoulders, then sat up straighter. “I freak out, when we actually start having sex. We’ve only tried it a few times. Our clothes will be off, or mostly off, but when it comes to actually starting the act of having sex, I can’t. It doesn’t matter if I’m in control, or if he is. The first time, he was on top of me, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, so we stopped. The next two times, I was on top of him and I still freaked out. I was afraid I’d hurt him, even though he kept saying I wouldn’t.”

Heather nodded. “Okay. Well, I can promise you this is not the first time I’ve heard this problem, so please stop worrying about that. It’s also perfectly normal after what you’ve been through.”

“But we’ve been together for a while now, and I trust him completely. That shouldn’t happen, right?”

“It doesn’t mean you don’t trust him, or trust yourself. In the past, from what you’ve told me before, sex wasn’t something pleasurable for you, correct?”

Phil nodded. 

“And the reason?”

“It was never really about me,” Phil said with a shrug. “It was never about when I was in the mood, or how I was feeling. It was just… if he wanted it, he was going to get it. And if I didn’t give it to him, he’d find it somewhere else. Other times… I wasn’t given an option.”

“Do you think you’re rushing into sex because you’re afraid that’s what Dan wants?”

“Well, he has to want it. I mean,  _ I _ want it. I just can’t.”

“I can’t speak for Dan, but it seems to me that he wants  _ you,  _ Phil. Not sex. You. And whatever comes with you. There are plenty of couples out there who never have sex, and they live very happy and healthy lives.”

“I know that,” Phil replied. “Dan’s told me that before. He says he doesn’t care. He tells me that all the time, but  _ I  _ care. I want to be able to be with him, completely. I want to have sex. I want to know what it feels like to have sex with someone who really loves me and who I really love.”

“I understand that,” Heather said. “Why don’t you start out smaller?”

“What do you mean?”

“Mutual masterbation,” she replied simply. “That way you’re both in control of your own bodies. You find out what he likes, he finds out what you like.”

Phil crossed his arms over his chest, wondering why that thought had never crossed his mind.

“I can see it in your eyes,” Heather said with a smile. “I came up with a great idea, and you don’t want to admit it. Please, please, save your applause,” she added, lifting her hands up in surrender.

Phil rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help but smile. “You’re really annoying sometimes.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she replied, waving him off. “You can both send me a thank you note anytime.”

 

“Mutual masterbation, huh?” Dan asked, licking a bit of ketchup off of his finger. They were sitting on the couch, eating dinner with the TV turned down in the background.

“That was her suggestion,” Phil replied.

“Would you want to?”

Phil nodded. “I think so.”

“Me too,” Dan agreed. “Sounds fun. Can’t believe neither of us thought about that before.”

Phil picked a chip up from his plate and took a bite. “That’s what I said.”

“We’ll have to try it,” Dan replied. He looked at Phil, then down at his burger, then back to Phil. “Can we finish eating first though? This burger is really good.”

Phil laughed, shaking his head before leaning over and giving Dan a kiss on the cheek. “I love you,” he said. He felt like his heart was physically swelling up from how much love he felt right now.

Dan smiled at him, his cheeks blushing slightly. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this got written fast! I hope you enjoyed this speedy update. It's my special gift to you all for being so kind!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	24. Socks and Dinner

There’s a pair of socks on the coffee table. 

Dan can’t quit staring at them.

They’re not his socks.

One is green with stripes and the other has a variety of characters from Star Wars.

They’re Phil’s socks.

And they’re on the coffee table.

Dan knows to anyone else, he would seem crazy. The fact that when he saw those socks on the table, his heart swelled up and he got tears in his eyes.

Maybe it _was_ crazy.

He didn’t care.

It wasn’t the first time Phil had left his socks there. He’d done it a few times now over the past few months.

Dan still remembers the first time though. He and Phil had been working on a video together. For the story Phil was telling, he needed to be wearing slippers, so he took his socks off and placed them on the table.

And then he left them there. He left them there the rest of the day, until Dan picked them up the next morning and put them in the laundry basket.

But, first he took a picture. Because the one thing Phil always did was clean up. Nothing was ever left out of place for longer than it needed to be. He cleaned more than anyone Dan had ever seen, and usually did house chores before Dan even had a chance.

But not this time.

This time, possibly for the first time since he was twenty years old, Phil felt comfortable enough to leave something out of place overnight.

Dan could have cried.

In fact, Dan did cry.

That night, when he was taking a shower, he cried the happiest tears he had ever cried in his life.

He never mentioned it to Phil. He was afraid that bringing attention to it would make Phil stop. 

Even all these months later, after happening a handful of times, Dan still didn’t mention it.

He didn’t mention it because it felt like a win every single time. 

It felt like a win against Kevin, and a win against everything Phil had been trained to do over the years.

Even if Dan was always the one to pick them up and put them in the laundry, and even if he did roll his eyes sometimes because the laundry basket was about ten steps away, he didn’t care. He happily picked up the forgotten socks and put them away, and he hoped Phil would continue to leave them there forever.

 

“We could have ordered out tonight,” Dan said, coming into the kitchen and sitting on the counter.

“We’ve ordered out every night this week,” Phil replied, poking a fork into the boiling potatoes.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Phil rolled his eyes, a small smile on his face. “I  _ do  _ actually enjoy cooking, you know.”

“Mm, can’t relate.”

Dan picked up a container of cashews that were beside him on the counter. “Can I help with anything?” He asked, eating some of the cashews.

Phil picked up the pot of potatoes and took them over to the sink, glancing over at Dan as he drained them.

“Hey!” He exclaimed, giving Dan a glare. “Those are for the salad.”

“I promise I won’t be upset if there’s like five less cashews in the salad.”

Phil sighed. Once the potatoes were fully drained, he set the pot down and walked over to Dan.

“I’ll take these,” he said, pulling the container away from Dan as he grabbed out a few more cashews.

“Hey, I’m hungry!” Dan whined.

“Hence me making dinner, Dear,” Phil said, setting the container down out of Dan’s reach.

“So?” Dan asked.

“So, what?”

“Can I help with anything?”

Phil took a deep breath and turned back to Dan. “Daniel-”

“Oh, dear.”

“Don’t ‘oh, dear’ me. You don’t know what I have to say.”

“Oh, I know.”

“Hush. Now, Daniel. You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“But, your cooking skills-”

“I’ve gotten better!” Dan interrupted.

“Yes, your baking has improved. But the last time you helped make dinner the entire apartment complex had to evacuate the building.”

“You start one little fire and everything goes to hell!” Dan replied with a dramatic eye roll.

“It smelled so bad we had to stay in a hotel for a week.”

“I thought we weren’t going to speak of this again?”

Phil crossed his arms. “Your services are best used elsewhere.”

Dan moved his head down slightly, looking up at Phil with a pouty lip and puppy-dog eyes. “Please, can I help?” He asked.

Phil walked over to him, nudging his legs apart until he could fit right between them. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and leaned in, giving him a small kiss on the lips. “You’re not playing fair when you give me that face and you know it.”

Dan smiled. “I know. So, can I help?”

Phil groaned. “Ugh! Fine. But you can’t get by the stove.”

“Deal.”

“Or the oven.”

“Got it.”

“Or anything that produces heat.”

_ “Phil.” _

“Okay, okay. Go to the fridge and get milk, then pour some in a glass.” Phil moved away from Dan, walking over to the stove and stirring the carrots that were cooking in a glaze.

“Are you having me fix our drinks?” Dan asked in an annoyed tone, hopping off the counter.

“No, Danny. You’re going to pour some in the potatoes while you mash them.”

“I get to mash the potatoes?!” Dan asked excitedly.

“Yes. Congratulations.”

“I’ll ignore the sarcasm and say thank you.”

Dan got the milk from the fridge and poured some into a cup, then walked over to the potatoes. He picked up the masher and started working on the potatoes as Phil continued with the rest of the food.

A couple of minutes later, Phil walked over to Dan to see how he was doing.

“Um, Dan?” He began, watching as Dan continued to mash the already very mashed potatoes.

“Yeah?”

“Did you… Um, did you pour all the milk in? Like, straight away?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah. Why?”

Phil picked up a spoon and dipped up some of the potatoes, then let them fall back into the pot. “A little, uh… A little soupy,” he said.

Dan stuck the masher back in, stirring it around. “I thought they seemed a little thinner than usual.” He sighed, letting go of the masher with a groan. “I’m sorry. I literally should never be allowed around unprepared food.”

“It’s okay,” Phil replied. “They’ll still be good.”

“But they won’t be right. I wanted to make the perfect potatoes and now all we have is crappy, sludge potatoes. These are second rate potatoes, Phil. Hell, these make second rate look good.”

Phil smiled. “I’m so in love with you,” he said, causing Dan to stop his whining and look over at him.

“What?” He asked.

“I said I’m in love with you. I just wanted you to know.”

“We- We say ‘I love you’ all the time.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, but I’m  _ in love  _ with you. There’s a difference.”

Dan knew that. He knew there was a difference between the two. That’s why Phil’s words surprised him in the first place.

“I-”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Phil interrupted. “I just had to tell you and I couldn’t-”

Dan cut him off by wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. 

“I’m very, very much in love with you,” Dan said once they pulled away.

“Really?”

“Really.”

This time Phil initiated the kiss, resting his hands on Dan’s hips and moving them around until Dan was pushed back against the counter and Phil was pressed up against him.

He began working on unbuttoning his own shirt while Dan started undoing his pants.

“Phil?” Dan said, breaking away from the kiss.

Phil continued kissing down Dan’s neck, making his way toward Dan's collarbone.

“Hmm?” He hummed.

“Um… Oh, okay.”

“Why are you still wearing a shirt?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know,” Dan replied as Phil pulled it up over his head and threw it to the side, then brought his hands back to Dan’s bare hips.

“You’re skin’s soft,” Phil mumbled as he made his way back to Dan’s collarbone, working on making a mark right at the spot Dan’s shirt collar would be. Where people would never see, but it would be right there. Right on the edge.

“I- Wait, Phil. Smoke!” Dan managed to get out, causing Phil to pull away from him.

“What?!” He exclaimed, quickly turning around. “Oh, shit!”

He rushed over to the stove, turning off the heat and running the carrots over to the sink, pouring water over them.

It was too late, however, and within seconds the fire alarm started to blare.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Phil said over the noise.

Dan couldn’t help but laugh as he walked over to his shirt and picked it up, putting it back on.

“Make yourself decent for the public, Philly,” Dan said, motioning to Phil’s unbuttoned clothes. “You get to explain this one.”

Phil pouted, buttoning everything back up as they headed for the door. 

“Are you sure you’re in love with me?” Phil asked as he opened the door and they began to head downstairs.

“Oh yeah,” Dan replied with a smile. “I’m sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only one chapter left before this fic is complete! I'm going to miss it, but I know it's time to let it go. I hope you all liked this chapter!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	25. Best Days of His Life

“Philip Michael Lester!” Dan called out, drawing out Phil’s last name.

“Daniel James Howell!” Phil called back, mimicking his tone.

“Are you coming in here or not?”

“I’m making popcorn!”

“You and your snacking! I swear to God.”

Phil walked into the room carrying a bowl of popcorn. He set it down on the desk between them before sitting down in his chair. “You love my snacking habits,” he said, picking up a handful of the popcorn and eating it.

“Of course I do. You’re the only person who can keep up with me. But, we’ve got three gaming videos to film today.”

“Well, the popcorn is in celebration,” Phil reasoned.

“In celebration of what?” Dan asked, turning toward the computer to get the game ready.

“One year of DanAndPhilGames-”

“That was last month-”

“And one million followers-”

“That was last week.”

Phil sighed. “Just let me have my popcorn, Howell.”

Dan smiled, reaching into the bowl and taking some out for himself. “Fine, but only because you’re cute… and it’s already done… and I’m hungry too.”

Phil laughed. “Okay, let’s get started.”

 

They’d been together for over two years now.

They had moved into a new apartment, gotten new furniture and decorations. 

They had a started a gaming channel because they had so much fun playing video games together. They also knew that their fans liked to see them together, and it wasn’t like the extra paycheck hurt anything either.

They had opened an online shop for Dan and Phil merchandise, and traveled the world together for conventions.

But for all the new things in their lives, some things had never changed.

They still loved spending every moment together.

Somehow, they never got tired of each other.

Even when they were apart they’d text and call each other. They just loved being with one another, and they never ran out of things to do or say.

Their fans didn’t know they were together. To the public, they were nothing more than best friends. Of course, people wanted them to be together. There were people who believed, without a doubt, that they were a couple, but neither would ever confirm it.

That was something they decided on together. Phil didn’t understand at first. He thought that meant Dan didn’t believe they’d last, but Dan assured him that wasn’t true.

Kevin had wanted everything public. He wanted people to know that Phil was taken. He wanted people to know that he was Kevin’s and he was off limits.

Dan wanted them to have privacy. He didn’t want them to be under the spotlight of being “gay YouTubers” and he didn’t want them to lose opportunities which that branding would cause them to lose. 

Opportunities to host events and awards shows would be out of the question, because everyone wanted “two best friends” but no one wanted “that gay couple.” They both wanted to have those opportunities, and it wouldn’t exist if they were anything more than friends to the public.

Not only was it that, but it was the fact that their lives were so public, it was nice to have something that was just between them. A huge piece of their lives that people could speculate all they wanted about, but they’d never really know.

The ability for hand holding and kissing and saying “I love you” to be intimate acts instead of something that’s videoed and photographed for millions of people to see.

And Phil understood that. Honestly, that’s what he wanted too. It simply took him some time to understand that there were no doubts along with it. 

And now that they had settled into a certain public image, and still had privacy, life was so much easier.

 

“Did you hear our panel sold out for tomorrow?” Dan asked, sitting on the hotel bed as he opened up the pizza boxes. They were in Orlando for a convention and decided to spend the evening in their hotel room instead of at a party with the other YouTubers.

“Really?”

“Mhm. Apparently they had to add more seats.”

Phil brought over their drinks, handing Dan his and setting his own on the nightstand. “I still don’t care for big crowds,” he said, picking up the remote and turning on the TV. “Food Network?”

“Yeah. And you know you have nothing to worry about, right? Like, it’s not a question and answer thing. It’s just us up there, talking.”

Phil smiled over at him. “Yeah, I know. I’ll be fine once I’m up there.”

They got comfortable on the bed, then began to eat as they watched TV.

They’d done this quite a few times over the past couple of years, but it still made Phil think back to the first time.

He had just broken up with Kevin, and was starting his life over. He didn’t even know then if life was worth starting over.

He felt so alone, and like he’d never be able to get better.

Being around Dan was terrifying then. 

It was terrifying because he knew how he felt about him.

It was terrifying because he had blocked Dan’s number and promised to never speak to him again.

It was terrifying because even though years had passed, he could still feel the bruises Kevin had given him because of their texts.

But being around Dan wasn’t terrifying now. 

In fact, it was the least terrifying thing Phil could think of.

Dan was warmth, and comfort, and peace in an otherwise chaotic world.

Even when they fought, Dan and Phil’s life was never filled with turmoil. Arguments rarely lasted a day, and they had made a promise early on to never go to bed angry.

They worked things out the proper way. Never with force. There was never a punch thrown, or a push, or a shove. There was never blood drawn or vicious, unforgivable words spit out through gritted teeth. 

And sex wasn’t used as a weapon. It wasn’t demanded or taken by force. If they were both in the mood, they had sex. If one of them wasn’t, they didn’t. Simple as that.

It was all so easy. Phil had never had that before.

He had never had real happiness in a relationship. 

He was happy. He could actually say he was happy and he wouldn’t be lying.

And, God, that was a good feeling.

“Earth to Phil,” Dan said, waving a hand in front of Phil’s face.

Phil jumped slightly before looking over at him. “Yeah?”

“I was asking if you wanted to watch the next episode or something else?”

“Oh, um, next episode. I like seeing how everything’s made.”

“Okay.” Dan took Phil’s hand and intertwined their fingers, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “You okay?”

Even after all this time, Phil’s heart still swelled when Dan asked how he was doing. 

“Yeah,” he replied with a smile. “I’m okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly cannot thank you all enough for all of your wonderful comments both on here and on tumblr. Some days it's all that helped me get through the day.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this last chapter and the completion of this story. I'm going to miss it so much, but it was time to let it go.
> 
> If you'd like, I'll be starting a new story soon. I've got the first chapter complete and I'm working on the second. It'll be called The Path of Righteousness, so keep a lookout for it!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


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